My favorite Post is Raisin Bran -wait! I take it back! I love Grape-Nuts. I like how deceptive they are. If they could talk (and to me they do) they would say, “I have it all figured out: I can call myself whatever the fuck I want to and it doesn’t matter. I know I kick ass, You know I kick ass. I’m simple, crunchy, and so full of fiber you can build a sod house out of tomorrows duke.” Also, they are expensive; but I think this is only to remind you that they are classy. “You want the good shit? Then you’re gonna have to pay good money for it,” they say. Except this one time I scored the huge box of Grape Nuts for like 2 bucks at Ralphs-woops, I mean Russ’. Shit, been in CA too long. Its all the same, Red Circular Logo, value card. Hmm, kinda like… Post (minus the value card). Ok I figured it out. Post/Ralph’s/Russ’s = The Illuminati / TheFreemasons / OpusDei / Scientology / Skull&Bones / GirlScouts. Conspiracy Theory solved. And it only took 100 posts. You know Russ’s is evil, just look at all of those ss’s. They speak Parseltongue there ya know.

That 2 dollar box of grape nuts lasted me through 3 gallons of milk and for the spring of 2006, I was a force to be reckoned with. Thanks to Grape-nuts. Why the hyphen? “Thats right, I’ve got a hyphen, jealous? what the fuck are you going to do about it?!”

Maybe Grape-Nuts is actually a last name? Like when families of distinction marry and want to carry on both names, cause like I said… classy. Unlike the Corn Crackos (sounds like Grand Island). They’ve got an addiction. The box even says, “Free Sample”. Because the first time is always free, kiddies.