I have this joke, you might not get it, you kinda have to act it out, and its not very funny. Well here goes: “So yeah the other day I was in a bar and there was this guy and, jeez, whats that thing that Japanese people do? You know, where its like cutting your guts open? And its like really painful and shameful and they have to do it because they have no honor? Damn, whats the word… oh yeah, Karaoke! Thats it!” (Please tell me there is someone out there that thinks its funny. I can explain it to you if you need me to.)

Every so often I take the risk of trying a new bar. There are probably thousands in the L.A. area (maybe hundreds). But for some reason 4 of the last 10 bars that I’ve stumbled into have been infected with the social disease of Karaoke. If you know me then you know that I love to perform and have absolutely no shame about making a total ass of myself in front of a room full of drunken strangers. But I’ve always thought that was the kind of thing that you had to work up to until karaoke came along. Besides, I prefer to get paid for it.

I hate Karaoke. I think it killed live music in bars. My parents made their living up until I was 4 years old playing bars, lounges and supper clubs around the Midwest and Canada. They didn’t stop because of Karaoke but a lot of live bands they knew did. Cover bands can be really bad but there is no substitute for live music.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if people adhered to a few simple rules:

1. You are not __________. (insert selected artists name)
   If you aren’t in on the joke, then its not funny. Its sad. Its really, really sad.
2. Don’t take it too seriously.
   Karaoke whores are out there right now. Going from bar to bar for its karaoke night. Tuesday its at one bar. Wednesday its at the next. You could go every night! But should you? NO. Absolutely not. Some of them actually think that they are a)Really good and are making people happy and b)gonna get discovered. Sorry, no. It’s not American Idol, nobody likes you. We can take a vote if you don’t believe me.
3. Not a 2+ person song? Then don’t bring your friends.
   Yeah, I know its totally Nadine’s last night in town but 2 people really shouldn’t be singing “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen. It has never sounded good in the history of music for 2 people to sing the same thing in 2 different keys at different rhythms while they take turns forgetting words. It sounds like shit being forced into both of my ears. That is not where shit goes. 2 people can take on a 1 person song as long as you take turns. Swap verses, share the chorus. Not for beginners or anyone who can’t split a high and low harmony.
4. You are singing to the crowd, not the screen. Stop staring at it!
   Do you have to look at the screen? Maybe you don’t know the song very well? Maybe you shouldn’t be singing it then. You can glance at it, but don’t stare. Haven’t you given a speech or a presentation? To be fair, a lot of famous performers use prompters for their lyrics. (Rolling Stones, Motley Crue.) When you’ve written more albums than you can count it can get kinda hard to remember something you came up with at 3am 20 years ago. And they aren’t staring at it. You should really only have to see the first word in the verse, the rest should connect.
5. More of an observation than a rule but… Karaoke at your wedding reception?
   You probably aren’t ready for a life-long commitment. I’m sorry but it won’t last …and I’m not buying you a gift.
6. Multiple Offenders: Know your limit.
   This fatty last night sang 3 fucking times after I got to the bar; and probably 3 before I got there. Meanwhile some of our friends got the shaft for arriving later. And she sucked. I wanted to ruin her week and tell her she sucked but something stopped me. One more drink in me and they’d be pulling her down from a noose today. If the bar is empty, sure, go crazy, but if people are waiting and there’s a list? Step aside. 2 is the limit. Repeat Songs are also off limits. (This means you asshole who raped White Wedding twice last night!)

In the interest of disclosure I’ll tell you my karaoke habits. I hate karaoke but am not beyond participation. I follow this strict code of conduct (in addition to the rules listed above). I never pick my own songs. I call it Kamikaze Karaoke®. Don’t try to steal it. I came up with it all by myself so back the fuck off my trademark! Feel free to license its use at your next event. I make very few exceptions but I insist on having someone else pick a song for me. So what if I don’t know it, IT’S NOT REAL!

Last night a girl was pointing to “Don’t you want me?” by the Human League, trying to find a friend to sing it with when I decided to step in. I didn’t know her but what should that matter? We killed it as much as that song can be killed and no, I didn’t need the lyrics. The other success of last night was when my buddy Hal picked “Forgot About Dre” and started the song solo. I leapt for the spare mic and picked up the Slim Shady part. That fucking killed almost as much as Hal + Chad’s “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. (R.I.P. Patrick Swayze). See, all in fun, nobody took it seriously and we limited to 2 songs in the 2 ½ hours we were there.

In conclusion (finally), what’s the compromise that can be met between Karaoke and Live Music, you might be asking? Live Karaoke, fool. Shithook on Thursdays at Duffy’s Tavern in Lincoln, Nebraska where a very skilled live band backs up mostly local band alumni, the occasional batchelorette party and karaoke attention whores not good enough to be in bands (I’m callin’ you out “Whole Lotta Love” guy.) The night before I moved away from Lincoln I was pulled onstage by a friend to perform “Folsom Prison Blues”, but the twist was that we were singing the lyrics to The Who’s “Pinball Wizard”. It raped our minds to follow the verse of one and the melody of the other but we pulled it off and it was original. Everybody won that night.

So keep your feet on the ground and stop reaching for those stars. And if you do, reach for the closest one. (2 star limit please)

Really Sad. The Swayze only has 5 weeks to live. We had the time of our lives, and we owe it all to you.

Off to that Roadhouse in the sky.