It’s like he took everything that Warhol ever said about Art but could never actually do and fucking did it.

From Arkitip via popwhore via Design You Trust

By now, everyone has learned that Barack Obama studied under Mr. Miyagi and that he brutally murdered Dr. Andre Delambre (no comment as of yet from Vincent Price’s corpse). God damn, what they say about Chicago politicians being brutal ain’t no lie. Considering the fact that Colbert has been having a nightly segment dedicated to parodying the incident entitled “Murder in the White House” (Jeff Goldblum was on the other night to vomit and then suck up his 2 cents) there’s not much more I can add comedy wise to the situation. However, the best thing about Ninjabama’s actions was PETA getting up in arms about it.

PETA is a lot like the ACLU. At their heart, they are both organizations that mean well and do offer a lot of good. Unfortunately, the people running them are quite possibly the dumbest people on earth. Instead of spending their resources combating actual inhumane treatment of animals that people can agree upon (or in the ACLU’s case, court battles that aren’t insane) they get into the muck of whining about killing fly’s. This is why nobody takes PETA seriously. In fact, the best thing about PETA is that they spend their money on getting athletes and celebrities and granddaughters of revolutionaries to take their clothes off. Am I the only one who doesn’t think an insect is an animal? When I think “animal”, I think “anything not an insect or with roots”. I have this funny picture in my mind of Pharaoh being lectured by PETA as the locusts descend upon Egypt: “Don’t hurt the locusts!!!!!!”

PETA, you’re nothing more than a punchline to bad jokes. Focus your energies on dogs and cats and endangered species. Those are the only animals most Americans give a shit about, anyway.

I was going to do a big post on the Iranian elections and the lunacy taking place both here (Republicans trying to score political points by siding with an Iranian leader, Mousavi, who is about an 8 on the psycho scale instead of the 10 Achmachichibangbang is) and over there but I’m already bored with it. I was hoping Achmaturnyourheadandcough would go down in defeat just for the sheer hilarity of the situation. Now the situation is even better. Obama got incredibly lucky with this particular outcome, which is why he’s being smart and staying out of it. I rarely agree with Pat Buchanan, but he’s nailed it on this one. And it’s driving conservatives nuts :)

I’ve been preparing stuff for tomorrow’s Splattercast. I think it’s going to be a fun show. It’s all about EC comics. Specifically the Vault of Horror, Tales From the Crypt, and The Haunt of Fear from the 50′s. We’ll even be recording some audio versions of the stories in honor of their greatness. I’m looking forward to that. Am I allowed to blog about horror on avanttrash? I feel like the Splattercast listeners might show up with torches and pitchforks…

I know T.J. is big into stalking z-level celebrities (which is why I had to get a restraining order that forces him to be at least three states away from me at all times) so maybe he can hunt down this Leighton Meester monkey chick and rate her footjobs. Mmmm…prehensile feet…..HOT.

Whether or not Twitter is relevant isn’t really the issue. Recently, Republican Senator Chuck Grassley posted this on his twitter page:

“Pres Obama you got nerve while u sightseeing in Paris to tell us”time to deliver” on health care. We still on skedul/even workinWKEND.”

and then this:

“Pres Obama while u sightseeing in Paris u said ‘time to delivr on healthcare’ When you are a “hammer” u think evrything is NAIL I’m no NAIL”

When I came across the article about Grassley’s Twitter whining, it wasn’t the substance of what he wrote that made me laugh (and it’s debatable as to whether any exists), but rather the way in which this guy said it. What we have here is a sitting United States Senator writing as if he were a 12 year old emo girl upset that her boyfriend dumped her. Internet fiends butchering the English language is one thing, but when a 5 term senator does it, not only does said senator look like a retard but it instantly makes whatever legitimate point he or she is trying to make look ridiculous. Is this really what the senate has been reduced to?

Senators are supposed to be the adults of the government. The United States senate, in particular, has one of the greatest histories of oratory of any government body ever. There was a time when people like Daniel Webster and Henry Clay  modeled themselves after Cicero in trying to use coherent sentences to formulate a logic system on which to advance debate.  There is a certain tradition of classiness and respect that comes with holding a senate seat. Senators are supposed to have higher standards for discourse, debate, and oratory.  I don’t want any politician, let alone the freaking senate, trying to cram statements to under 140 characters. I find it stupid when my friends do it. If senators feel the need to try and reach out to younger constituents through Twitter then use it to post a link to the speech you gave on the senate floor about the topic you want them to know about or have your campaign aides use it to let people know when you’re having a town hall or something. Otherwise, you’ll look like Senator Chuck Grassley, a guy who doesn’t appear to be able to pass a third grade spelling exam yet is able to maintain one of the most prestigous roles in the U.S. government. Grassley himself is a big fan of English as the official language, I wonder if he’d also be cool with converting all government and state documents into Twitter speak? That would probably save a lot of paper and thus, a lot of money for the federal goverment. Maybe somebody should post that suggestion on his Twitter page.

A while back, there was a humorous fake Twitter page for Homer’s Odyssey. It was funny precisely because it was so dumb. I’m not a comedy guy, but I’ll do my best 21st century Cicero Twitter post…

“Cons C-sar while u sightseeing in Gaul u said ‘teh die iz cast’ Pomp still on skedul/even workinWKEND 2 stop u. C U N Rome FCKER”

classy :)

Way back when, as Barack and Hillary battled to the teeth for the Democratic nomination, I argued that the election of Barack Obama would, at the very least, have some positive impact on our relations with the Muslim world. At the time, I even argued that it might have more profound consequences that we may never fully appreciate (namely, preventing potential future terrorists by changing the fundamental perspectives  young Muslims have towards America). It’s way too early to tell if any of Obama’s hope and change will stick with the Muslim world but I think it is pretty clear that Obama is changing the Middle East in strange ways. Take the picture above, for example. When was the last time you saw Muslims selling images of an American president comparing him to King Tut? On the eve of Obama’s major speech to the Arab world from Cairo, vendors are celebrating our president as the second coming of one of the most beloved Pharaohs of Ancient Egypt. Maybe that happened with Bush and we just never saw it?  Regardless, the contrast between a Pharaoh and getting shoes thrown at you is pretty stark.

A lot of commentators are attempting to call attention to domestic “Christian terrorism” after the murder of abortion doctor George Tiller and questioning what role and/or responsibility people like Bill O’Reilly play in events such as this. I’m trying to work this issue out in my head. What’s the difference between an act of murder and “assasination”, as left wing commentators are calling Tiller’s death? What actually constitutes a “terrorist”? To be a “terrorist”, do you have to work for an organized group with a clear cut agenda (such as Al Qaeda) or can a lone wolf type person who participates in a loose patchwork of hate spewing message boards, talk radio, and organizations be classified as such?

Rachel Maddow had a pretty illuminating rundown on all of the bombings and murders of abortion clinics and doctors in the past 20 years as well as the online and print culture that breeds the hatred. What do you guys think? Is the right wing anti-abortion extremist movement a terrorist “organization”? Do commentators who use hard rhetoric like O’Reilly bear any responsibility when the people who listen to them go out and murder, especially when the recent past has shown that fanatics are susceptible to that rhetoric? And also, what would be the left-wing equivalent of this? Have there been any domestic left wing fanatical groups in the past 20 years that are on par with the extremist anti-abortion right? My first instinct, honestly, was “Nah, I think ‘terrrorist’ and ‘assasination’ are too hard a label”, but then I can also see why people would think that since there does seem to be a culture loyal to using violence as an end to abortion (and I’m not calling all pro-lifers terrorists. I’m wondering about the extremist ones who act out and praise violence as a means to an end).

Ugh. I start a 5 week session of Spanish on Monday. I shouldn’t be forced to learn another language to graduate from college.

In response to Charlie Rose mentioning that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was intelligent, Karl Rove responded “I know lots of stupid people who went to ivy league schools.” Don’t you hate those Freudian slips?

In the past two weeks,  non-elected conservatives have frothed at the mouth over President Obama’s nomination of Sotomayor. They’ve questioned her intelligence, manufactured a War on Empathy campaign, repeatedly called her a racist, got all self-righteous about her “temperament” (yeah, because Scalia is such a warm, fuzzy teddybear *rolls eyes*) and derided her nomination as nothing more than an affirmative action pick. Pat Buchanan was especially vocal on this last point. He pointed out that the fact that Obama went with not only a female, but a Hispanic proves (!) that she is a product of that evil liberal plot to keep white males down! I was trying to understand Pat Buchanan’s argument but just like any hysterical right winger, trying to do so only ends in a headache. After all, if you are arguing that Sotomayor only got picked because she is hispanic and female as a result of affirmative action, then your underlying implication, whether you explicitly state it or not (and most of these idiots don’t because they want to keep their jobs), is that a white male just as qualified is inherently superior a candidate. Because if both are equal then there would be no reason for Buchanan to cry “Affirmative Action!” in the first place and whine about it. This is why many people think Pat Buchanan is a racist and/or sexist.

And that’s the important point. Nobody is questioning her credentials. By any stretch of the imagination, she’s qualified. It’s not like President Obama is plucking some first year neophite off the streets in order to fill a quota. That didn’t stop Rush Limbaugh from arguing that Sotomayor’s nomination was achieved by “hating white people“. Rush is simply projecting his own racist and xenophobic feelings outwards (and probably wants to hit the oxycontin again since Keith Olbermann eviscerates his spewage every night), but this is the same guy who argued that ACORN, Jeremiah Wright, and Bill Ayers were involved in a decades long plot to make black people hate America. Newt Gingrich is the same guy who stood on his moral soapbox denouncing President Clinton’s amorous ways only to be discovered that he was cheating on his wife at the same time. Buchanan is the same guy who said women were not “endowed by nature” to be able to succeed in capitalism. These guys have no credibility on issues of race and gender. It doesn’t matter to them that Bush 41 praised the empathy of Clarence Thomas. It doesn’t matter to them that Scalia said that courts “make law”. It doesn’t matter to them that Alito said his immigrant background influences him as a judge. Because, ultimately, this isn’t about Sotomayor.

Back in 2003, Charles Krauthammer, a prominent conservative,  wrote this article detailing what he labeled then as Bush Derangement Syndrome: “the acute onset of paranoia in otherwise normal people in reaction to the policies, the presidency — nay — the very existence of George W. Bush.” I think that pretty much sums up how conservatives view Obama and any decision he makes. Nothing will please these people and as a Democrat, I couldn’t be happier. Sotomayor will be confirmed despite all of their huffing and puffing and in the meantime conservatives are left looking like retards with a fractured base and no hope of regaining power in the near future.

But the real sad thing about Rush and Newt is that Obama is playing them like a fiddle. For all of their indignation towards the President, I wonder if they don’t realize that the Sotomayor pick isn’t the battle Obama is preparing for. Sotomayor is just replacing another liberal leaning justice. The makeup of the court isn’t being affected by her nomination. Instead, knowing full well that conservatives will go ape-shit on a Latina woman anyway, wouldn’t Obama be smart by nominating someone who isn’t the “activist judge” that conservatives are making her out to be (and really, conservatives love activist judges…when they do rulings they agree with)? Once the inevitable happens, namely that Americans see Sotomayor is not the vile caricature that conservatives made her out to be, the next Supreme Court opening will give Obama a much stronger hand politically and publicly (“yeah yeah, that’s what those whackos said about Sotomayor!”, for example)  allowing him to, oh, let’s say replace Justice Kennedy with the fire breathing liberal that makes conservatives wet themselves at night, thus finally giving liberals that solid 5-4 court makeup they have longed for. Is this what Obama is doing? I have no idea, but it would be smart from a tactical political perspective and Obama is nothing if not an expert on political timing. Even conservatives agree with that.  It’s often said that a rule in Chicago politics is to let your opponents underestimate you and then destroy them without mercy when the time is right.

If Limbaugh, Hannity, Rove, Cheney and their ilk are correct in their assertions that Obama is nothing but a far left liberal bent on destroying the country, they are sure doing everything in their power to help him out.  Perhaps Karl Rove should rethink his quote about stupid people.

Congratulations, Mr. President.

Interestingly enough, because our home state of Nebraska has a state government that does shit it’s own way (Unicameral Motherfucker!), we’ve broken up our electoral votes so that theoretically the whole state’s electoral votes don’t have to just go to ONE candidate. There is a high probability that he won’t win, but Barack Obama is within 6 – 10% of McDouche in the Omaha and Lincoln based districts (the only inhabitable parts of the state). The remaining Western Nebraska district on the other hand is a cesspool of uneducated bible thumpers. Proving again that the republican candidate is very popular in places where nothing happens but sheep rape.

But you still have to vote! We haven’t officially won this thing yet, peoples! So vote the shit out of that shit on November 4th, yo!

I just wanted to take this opportunity to get overzealously political and endorse the shit out of Barack Obama…

War hero smores hero, John McCain is a weasel-faced, scum-raping piece of shit. I wish that McMelanoma would eat his haggard face and finish the VC’s Job. What we need in America is NOT a rich, white Republican who doesn’t give a FUCK about the middle class. He can’t even count how many houses he has! We need a man who came from the middle class and will be forced to acknowledge the real America! This country is broken from the ground up. And it’s something that can’t be seen from where John McCain and Mitt Romney sit.

Where does this asshole get off making a career milking sympathy off of people who think that being tortured buys you patroitism. Last I checked DYING TO PROTECT YOUR COUNTRY does that. McCorpse was just a shitty soldier for getting caught. Why does torture buy you a free pass to say dumbass shit like ‘we should stay in Iraq another 10 years’. Why? So we can add to the 4,140 soldiers we have lost OVER NOTHING. Or we can alienate any friends we have left and plunge even further into debt and recession to advance the WEAPONS and OIL industries. (Who donate graciously to BOTH parties.)

We lost Iraq. Just like Vietnam, we shouldn’t have been there. The Republicans fucked us again and made their friends rich in the process. The Democrats fell for the patriotism trick and went along for the ride until the public figured out it was bullshit. So now we’re fucked. Time to put our tail between our legs AND GO THE FUCK HOME! Our money is needed HERE! In our abandoned public education system, In our insurance and pharmecutical lobby raped healthcare system and most importantly in our own ailing ENVIRONMENT.

I say we kick those old fucks out! It’s time for CHANGE!

BARACK OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT!

…and maybe in 2012 we don’t have to elect ANYONE controlled by a political party.

Native son of Chicago, Comedian Bernie Mac died this morning from Pneumonia after dealing with a nasty bout of Sarcoidosis (scary shit). (Chicago Tribune Announcement) He was only 50. Besides how young he was it’s sad that the last news items on the Mac before he died were over some offhand Obama comments which were mostly just taken too seriously. It’s Humor, People. I know we have to save the country and all but remember that Comedians are here to make our lives better (except for maybe Andy Dick). J/K.