If you come visit me in Chicago, I’ll probably feel obligated to take you for some classic deep-dish Chicago style pizza. But if you care about me at all, you’ll let me skip over the typical touristy crap, and take you straight to Kuma’s. The name may be Japanese, but this place is straight up American comfort food. Actually, the word ‘Kuma’ means ‘bear’ in Japan, which is where the spot’s namesake (the restaurant owner’s 8 year-old Akita) originated.

Kuma’s Corner is a dark, cozy, cave-like place, with an atmosphere that made a freak like me feel right at home the minute I first walked in. There where paintings of half-naked women with top hats and whips, the Blues Brothers movie was playing on the flat screens, and of course, heavy metal music was booming over the speakers.

Oh yeah, did I mention, every burger (giant, 1/2 pound monsters that would make a vegetarian tremble and weep at the sight of them) is named after a heavy metal band? That’s right, you can have an Iron Maiden, a Judas Priest, or even a Goblin Cock (if you dare). My first time, I had the Black Sabbath-blackening spice, chili, pepper jack, and red onion on a pretzel bread bun. It was a veritable meat party in my mouth (interpret that however you wish). ‘Multiple orgasms of the mouth’, I believe was my comment to my roommate. I didn’t even want to wash my hands when I got home, they smelled so heavenly. We’ve made a vow to never get the same thing twice, until we can check them all off the list.

This place is definitely packed on the weekends, or after any local metal or punk show in the area, but it is always worth the wait. In the summer, they have outdoor seating, and if you get bored waiting for a table (which I doubt is possible), chill at the bar and order a drink (I recommend the Mother Puncher or the Angel of Death).

Long story short, if you happen to be in Chicago, do yourself a favor and forget about Gino’s or Giordano’s. Get on a Belmont bus and hit up Kuma’s. And bring me with. It’ll knock your dick in the dirt.