For those of you that enjoy “extreme relaxation”, your day has come. Serious. This is a real product on the market. That one could actually purchase.
Drank is apparently the latest “lifestyle” beverage to hit the market. Considered the anti-energy drink, it combines Valerian Root, Rose Hips, and Melatonin to “slow your roll” after a hectic day. It also promises to sharpen your attention at the same time. For reals. And it’s chock-full of sugar, much like its energy-drink counterpoints. Sensing a conflict in the product information?
Part of the inspiration for this ridiculous beverage comes from Purple Drank, a recreational drug of choice for some, a mere cough suppressant for others. Woah, my roll has definitely slowed.
Look for this carbonated clusterfuck in liquor stores in the near future. I bet it goes great with vodka…
It sounds like Iraq here in Hollywood tonight. I’m sitting on my balcony and staring at a smoky, red sunset. It’s beautiful. The weather is perfect. Who could possibly ask for more than what we have right now?
But what do we really have?
As each little explosion and extravagantly detailed fireworks displays echo across the Southland I have to think that the better percentage of those explosions have absolutely nothing to do with America. So let me get this straight…
We shoot off fireworks today to celebrate our independence… which we spend the rest of the year throwing away and taking total advantage of. We shell out millions of our devalued dollars to buy explosives from China so we can fund their abusive totalitarian government? I have to think that the guy shooting bottle rockets off his balcony the next building over probably can’t name the 50 states and hasn’t been to more than 3 of them. Is this how he uses his freedom? Does he have nothing better to spend his money on? I think that in order to purchase fireworks there should be a RIGOROUS battery of questions about America. If you fail, no fireworks for you. Most importantly there should be an essay portion that asks the simple question, “Are you free?”
With out of control gas prices pushing record profits to Bush’s friends in the oil industry, we are no longer free to travel across the country to see the REAL beauty of America. It’s become too expensive to fly or drive anywhere beautiful that doesn’t have a mall. Have you ever driven through Colorado, Oregon or Utah, its insane how fucking beautiful they are! And in my case even if i could afford to travel (which really I can’t), like most Americans I am only allowed a week of vacation time from my prison of a job. For the record, most European countries allow 5 or more weeks of paid vacation. And they would have paid for the college that got me into my current position as well. Oh yeah, and healthcare would have been included. Because that’s what truly free countries do for their citizens when THEY are the ones in control of their governments. I am a graphic designer, I stare at a screen all day and yet my job doesn’t have a vision plan. You should see my lovely teeth though!
Let’s be honest, Corporations own America. Lobbyists control the lawmakers that should be listening to us. Putting OUR interests first. The only way they will hear us is if we vote for candidates who will put the citizens before the pharmaceutical, tobacco, and weapons industries. Our priorities should be the health and education of our citizens. Not giving us cigarettes to keep us sick, drugs to keep us alive and smoking and guns to finish the job. We need to show our elected officials that if they don’t listen to US instead of $$$, then we will fucking destroy them. (um, figuratively remove their power?)
When we don’t vote, they don’t hear us, and America… you haven’t been voting. And as long as guns are legal, we shouldn’t be using them on each other. We should be using them on anyone who feels they are above following the Constitution. Because that’s what it says we are supposed to do.
I’m going to call this a Weekly Trashing even though I’m not really complaining about anything. I just haven’t done one in a while. But I have something to bitch about anyway, just hold on.
I bought a nice TV recently. I’ve never owned anything besides a shitty tube TV ever. I didnt even own a television for the first year I lived here in L.A. I figured, “Why get one when I can watch everything online?” But then I got my SNES and NES sent out here (Zelda ain’t gonna save herself ya know). Be Jealous, when was the last time you played Starfox anyway? I picked it up the other day and killed the shit in 20 minutes. How is it I can I remember where every power up is on a game I played 15 years ago but can’t remember simple things at work sometimes? *shakes fist at sky*
So part of my magical new TV in its autoprogramming glory found all of these MAGICAL digital channels. My remote has a decimal point on it! What else has been hiding from my periphery? It’s like when you find out that everyone you know orders a slice of cheese on their apple pie! Sounds crazy but its true and its as if the whole world is in on the conspiracy.
So you know I’m not totally hopeless, I’d heard of digital radio before; I just didn’t know about all of these magic channels. Some of them seem kinda JV. If only this opened TV up to Pump Up The Volume style pirate stations! But alas, we’re totally in a police state. Authorities have no heart for creativity. They want to teach you to be resourceful but once you figure out their little system they put you away. Specific example: some kids in Ontario, CA got busted recently for hacking into their schools computer system and changing their grades (WarGames?). Dude, if you’re smart enough to break your school’s security then that should be your pass from high school. What worldly knowledge to you need to know beyond that?
I only watch TV one night of the week. I dont really have to watch it at all anymore thanks to Hulu. But if I’m at home, and its Sunday night then I’m watching The Simpsons, Family Guy, et all. So the worst ending to the week comes on after American Dad in the form of Los Angeles’ nightly news. In the meager 8 minutes i let FOX LA stay on in the background there were 4 violent stories, mostly involving the police and their incompetence. The best/worst one involving the Long Beach Police tasering and shooting a 125 lb. terminally ill lung cancer patient with mental illness. Of course the eyewitness testimony was completely different than the police spokesperson. It seems that the cop accidentally popped the guy tasered on the ground and the police made up a bullshit story that they guy had retard strength and withstood batons and tasers to grab a policeman’s nightstick and they had to take him down. In what fucking fantasy world are tasers ineffective? If you have muscles and nerves then they are going to fuck you up because thats what electricity does to you. Are they hiring out-of-work screenwriters as police spokesmen now?
Have you ever seen the 1988 John Carpenter classic They Live starring Rowdy Roddy Piper? It’s amazing! In the story Roddy finds these glasses that filter out what the media is telling you to its base element. For example, a Mcdonalds billboard would just say EAT or CONSUME and politicians are just telling you to OBEY. (Yes that’s where Sheperd Fairy’s mark came from…and they also see aliens in their true form). So what I see for that short period of time before I shut the tv off in disgust is that:
Your police are violent and will fucking shoot you and get paid leave and are never wrong so do what they say. Also, don’t leave the house, here are some car and food commercials. You’ll be safe if you have this car and won’t have to be a responsible driver. This fast food will make you a closer, more happy family; no home prepared meal can. Go into debt to afford things that are newer because that makes them better and that will make you a better person. Here are some tips to save a nickel or a dime off of a 3 dollar purchase as long as you don’t pay attention to how much of your income your many loan payments are. *click*
There are upwards of 17 million people in the Los Angeles-Riverside-Long Beach area. Of course crazy shit is going to happen but should I be watching a completely unbalanced “report” of it? There is no community catharsis or instructions on what you can do about having terrible public servants. There is no advice on how you can make your own community stronger. They are telling you that the viewing public doesn’t want to see that anyway. They’d show that stuff but they’d lose raitings and they’d lose sponsors. It’s bullshit and I’m not going to watch a second of it anymore, ever. I don’t see who it helps for that to be out in front of anybody if it doesn’t accomplish anything. The citizens of the Long Beach community should have beaten those officers critically with their own clubs and tasers and the anchors should have been the people to give them the order. “I don’t know about you Suzi but if some fucking redneck asshole cops killed my unarmed dying family member, I would beat the shit out of them and park their squad car on their throats.”
On top of that its been hot as fuck here. It’s summer, there are going to be a lot of crazy things happening and I know the news will only be painting a more desperate story. I know I sound like a hippie here but where is the Peace and Love, man? I though weed was legal in this motherfucker? And we can marry whomever the fuck we want! Lets fire the cops and fucking celebrate! Gah, its hot… I need a shower.
They overbooked the audience for the pilot taping of Bob & David’s new show “David’s Situation” so lucky you, AvantTrash is the first site to review it.
It’s not very funny, sorry. The first scene that is. Sure, pilots are messy, rough, and usually need a LOT of tweaking. In this case I think they’d need to revamp the show altogether. But this snap judgment is only in regards to the FIRST SCENE which we watched 3 TIMES via Closed Circuit TV from JUST OUTSIDE OF THE STUDIO because they overbooked the audience by about 40 people. So after waiting in line for like an hour at CBS they guide us to this craft services room with a 20-inch TV of the show being taped next door. Fucking Lame.
The show’s main angle seemed to be a 4th wall breaking mockery of sitcoms, delivered a bit half-assed with sitcom cliches that have already been parodied a hundred times. Any post-modernism intended seemed to swallowed up by it’s lack of originality. Harsh, I know but it seems to be well worn territory (remember Garry Shandling’s Sitcom?). So could this indictment be because we were bitter about not getting into the actual taping? Not really. I am a HUGE fan of Mr.Show who has sung its praises and done my part to indoctrinate everyone I know about it for more than a decade, and the only thing I could think about while leaving the studio was “my how they have fallen”.
To spoil it for you the plot of the mock sitcom is that David is done with the Hollywood life and moves to “middle America” to write for an in-flight magazine and becomes roommates with stereotypical hippie Matt Besser and a flag waving old guy played by nobody. (Bob Odenkirk is featured in a very short sidebit)
Hippie Matt: “Did you know that every time you hug someone it releases positive ions into the atmosphere?” David: “Did you know that every time you hug a hippie you kill a practical thought?”
It had a few laughs but overall wasn’t what any of the 20 or so of us watching would call funny. The highpoint of what we saw was an intro delivered as David would in his standup where he blasts Jeremy Piven and the Hollywood Scene. “And I knew that it was too much when I saw that Jeremy Piven’s dog was wearing the same Von Dutch hat as me.” We didn’t stay for any of the other scenes (they killed the feed in between scenes and we’d already waited enough today) but outside of the studio on our way out we saw B.J. Porter, Mo Collins (featured in the first scene) and Jerry Minor. Before the show when we were parking the car we saw Janeane Garofalo walking to the studio, but can’t be sure she’s in the show or not (probably not).
Btw, David, are you done with standup? I think you are due for more. The inevitable failure of this pilot just might give him the opportunity to do so.
The scene did get a little better the more they worked through it so there is a slight possibility that with A LOT more work it could be passable but I don’t think we will be seeing a Bob & David lump of coal turned into a comedy diamond anytime soon.
Certain songs should be protected against being covered. Not by a bar band, not in karaoke, not at Live Aid, NOT EVER!
Drunken Stepfather posted this live video of Madonna’s “Hung Up” and noted that she fucks up at 1:50 because she is a SHITTY guitar player but I decided to watch it anyway because I was curious at to whether Madonna is actually getting better at guitar…she isn’t. She is constantly looking at her hands and worst of all she doesn’t move around AT ALL when she’s playing. I thought she was a dancer? And I also watched because almost ANY girl looks better when she’s playing a Les Paul. She never really could sing so its a good thing she’s finally trying to validate her “artistic” existence with some musician cred. Thats why I play guitar anyway. So I was watching this video and her absolutely horrid guitar skills and it got to about 4:33 they break into the riff from PANTERA’s “A New Level” off of A Vulgar Display of Power! I know its kind of a generic riff for Pantera but that is exactly the riff, is that legal? It shouldn’t be unless it turned gays and teenage girls into Pantera fans. I was just having a conversation with my co-author here about how people shouldn’t be allowed to cover Michael Jackson or Madonna and I think in this case Madonna shouldn’t be allowed to cover Pantera. Not even that 1 simple riff. I’m also jealous because I really want a black Les Paul Standard and thats what she is pretending to play.
While we are on the subject of covers, allow me to turn you on to one of the best podcasts ever. Its called Coverville and it comes from a guy named Brian Ibbott in Colorado and he does like 3 shows a week and they are nothing but covers. Some are absolutely amazing. Some support my argument of “thou shalt not cover” but its worth subscribing to. Where else are you going to hear an hour of Hall & Oates covers?
And now, to wipe your brain clean of any of that anglophilic albino’s recent musical abortion… fucking PANTERA! (Moscow ca.’91. solo @ 3 mins)
I’ve been in Los Angeles for 1 year, 2 months, 12 days and 5 hours now and I have a very small group of friends to show for my time here. I have come to the conclusion that I must be a total asshole with absolutely no social skills whatsoever otherwise I’d actually be doing something at 11pm on a Friday night. Its not that I didn’t have plans. Someone asked me if I wanted to meet them at a bar. Knowing that people flake like mad around here I made backup plans to meet someone else at the same bar JUST IN CASE person #1 flaked.
I understand that sometimes it can’t be avoided. Sometimes you get REALLY tired or something, it was hot as hell today so if you were outside you are probably destroyed right now. I did some balcony gardening and had to put shoes on because my feet were melting. So I could see calling in flake for that… sometimes. I can also see that if you’ve been in traffic all day (which is like slow moving prison) that you don’t want to drive around and things are really spread out around here (20 minutes to everywhere my ass!) so I can see not wanting to drive… but even the distance flake has its limits… like the fact that I ALWAYS HAVE TO DRIVE.
Well I’m sick of it. I must have no friends at all. Usually I drive and never complain about doing so. Then when it comes to going out and I ask if people want to carpool… they don’t. Awesome, not only are people being assholes to me we can fuck up the environment together! I feel special.
I had a nice Lazy Saturday or Caturday (because I get to be as lazy as Zero). I watched movies [Wristcutters: A Love Story(2006) EuroTrip(2004) and Cutie Honey(2004)] and still managed to make eggs for breakfast, clean up my apartment, repot a plant, do the dishes, wash the cat, make cheesy broccoli and cod for dinner and play guitar all day. So it was all good and productive and I expected a nice night out… that i very much need and deserve considering I WORKED ALL THE WAY THROUGH LAST WEEKEND. But sure enough I started getting messages saying… “Sorry we tired, another time”, no problem I thought, Thats why I made a backup plan yesterday, so I texted my backup and… “Sorry, take a rain check?” Well, I thought this was the raincheck. Seems it never rains in southern California.
I propose a limitation on flaking. You get 2 per month. Seriously, is there no standard anymore? I have a DRASTIC problem with trusting in what others say or KEEPING plans. I don’t claim to NEVER flake but I do claim A VERY LOW FLAKE RATIO. Maybe its just because I have nothing better to do…see no friends.
Everytime I go out, I have a great time. I drink (surprisingly in moderation lately), I dance, I make merriment. So its pretty hard to make friends when I never make it out of the apartment. The double edge of Hollywood is that there are so many people here, so much to do; yet almost everyone you meet is a total flake. (Looking out for #1 much?)
If you plan on moving out here, don’t stay somewhere trustworthy like the midwest for too long. You’ll only be disappointed in the flakedness of others.
I’d like to see you choke yourself out. Just hold your throat until it goes dark. There are a few of your co-workers standing around, they’ll catch you. Then I’ll buy this car.
I drove all the way out to Santa Monica today to check out Volkswagens. Apparently there is a limit on their appreciation of BRAND LOYALTY. Because my car is a 1995 Jetta, it doesn’t qualify and they weren’t going to hook me up with the discount. Does that make me any less loyal than someone who bought a 2001? I think not.
I really want to buy a new car but I can’t see paying $250 a month for 4 years ON A LEASE as worth it. I drove some cars that I really liked, but they would be $400 a month (It’s not to be, my sweet GTI). So, no new car for me …yet. I don’t so much have a problem with the money as I have a problem with driving the same car for 4 years when it’s not the one I wanted. I almost bought a black 4 door Rabbit, but I decided to wait a bit.
I knew today wasn’t the day (even though i’ve got some bank) so I totally fucked with the dealers just to see how low they would go and observe how they fight for a deal. What started out as a conversation about a $300/mo payment went all the way down to $200 on my way out the door. It was vicious. And I’m ballsy enough that I might walk in 3 months later (when they are trying to unload the 08’s) and ask for the same. Every little thing you tell a dealer, they use. I was wearing a Go-Go’s shirt so they tried to sell me Rock and Roll. Just to try to escape I told them that my industry is fickle and we could all be out of a job soon and they tried to tell me that, “You can’t go through life living in fear.” True that, VW.
So actually in the middle of the deal one of the other salesman (who was pretty honest for a dealer) told me that in a couple months they will be trying to get rid of the 08 stock and they’ll get cheap again. So i’ll just have to wait for that. But they put up these sucker deals to attract customers ($199/mo, no money down, blah blah blah) and then they try to squeeze an extra hundred out of you per month. It might not seem shady but when you figure thats $1200 more a year (equivalent to 10 student loan payments or just over 1 months rent) then you really have to ask of their integrity. Why can’t they just say, “This is how much this car is, its the cheapest we can do it. You want it?” I know the answer, it’s because of Chumps. I wasn’t going to be one of them, not today at least.
But I still need a better car. I’ll be the chump when my 95 86’s itself on the 101. Oh well, they weren’t going to give me much for it anyway.
Before I went to college, I worked at a Ford dealership and met some shady, fucked up salesmen. They looked down on the people who service the cars and thought they were so great because they sold them. You know what, dude, the cars could sell themselves. You’re just paid to fuck the buyers out of a little extra monies. Because of that I approach all of them with my knife out. Better safe than sorry when you deal with people who make their living off the monthly struggle of others.
But it sure would be nice to roll around in something in L.A. that doesn’t occasionally st-st-stutter.
Be sure to cut this one’s head off. Because if 2-gun Chuck ever comes back from the grave he’ll be armed; and that would make a very dangerous zombie.
I’ve seen websites eulogizing the 84-year-old actor as a beacon of “liberty” but I think thats pretty fucked up. I’m all for us as a society having guns, but there are fucking limits. Most Republicans SHOULDN’T have the right to own guns, they aren’t going to use them if their government needs to be taken down anyway. And isn’t that the reason its in the Bill of Rights anyway? These NRA psychos are the assholes who put the current government into power. Thanks a lot Charlton Heston. douche. I’m going to start the Guns for Liberals™ program. Our motto, “The Left To Bear Arms”. Fuck I’m Clever.
So he was a good actor up until 30 years ago, its sad that we can’t remember that because him being a soulless looney gun homo has overshadowed any achievement in film… except in Bowling For Columbine. Oh sweet nectar, if you haven’t seen this movie then go out now and rent it, download it, borrow it from a liberal friend because it is amazing portrait of our gun crazed society and American hypocrisies in general. At the end Charlton Heston is confronted by Michael Moore with a photo of a kid that died in direct result of the gun-douchery that Heston promotes. There is no answer for what you say in that situation so old Moses-balls gets up and walks away. Good thing he was too stupid to know who Michael Moore was. He was probably just happy that someone was talking to him.
…is Acid. It’s the fucking truth. If you’ve been there then you know and if you don’t then its just too bad you didn’t get to rub your brain up against God’s beard like we did. I’m sure you weren’t doing anything better with your early 20’s when it would have been the best time for you to do it, too. But it’s never too late, you should go get some now. Its a lovely day after all. And it’s like my good friend A*** said, “It’s funny that they are all over at the church learning about God, when we’re over here experiencing it.”
Here is an amazing comic about LSD in the style of Jack T. Chick Publications which have scientifically* been proven as the most reasonable and effective manner to indoctrinate someone on the dangers of indulging in anything ever. What better way to teach people that they are hellbound than with a poorly drawn comic you pick up randomly off the sidewalk or haphazardly placed upon bags of dog food in grocery stores. I used to work graveyard shift at a grocery store and would find these all the time. I tried to collect them all. My favorite is still about shriners and freemasons worshipping the devil and fezzes being red because they were dipped in the flowing blood of christians.
I’ve never heard a real argument against LSD. Theres the bullshit about people jumping off of balconies because they thought they could fly. Well maybe they subconciously wanted to commit suicide anyway? Besides, nobody can prove that ever happened. There are quite a few cases that prove Alcohol to be a factor in people falling off buldings and balconies at colleges all around the country. The other thing people say is that “you’ll go crazy”, yeah maybe if you eat a whole sheet of it. As if you couldn’t die from drinking a whole bottle of Everclear.
Having a good experience is all about set and setting. If you do the proper dose and take it with knowlegable people that you love and trust with your life in a safe and comfortable environment then you’ll have one of the best, most memorable experiences of your life. You will see the true beauty of your life and the world around you, you will hear music with your entire body, you will see how meaningless the bullshit you surround yourself with really is (your job, your debts, your pointless fears). And it will be a hell of a lot more REAL than a trip to Disneyland.** Want more info? Consult the end all, be all of drug experimentation safety sites that is Erowid.org.
Have a good conversation with your cat everybody!
*science has been scientifically been proven the fastest way to hell according to Jack T. Chick.
** please don’t mix LSD with Disneyland or any other public expositions.
I have this joke, you might not get it, you kinda have to act it out, and its not very funny. Well here goes: “So yeah the other day I was in a bar and there was this guy and, jeez, whats that thing that Japanese people do? You know, where its like cutting your guts open? And its like really painful and shameful and they have to do it because they have no honor? Damn, whats the word… oh yeah, Karaoke! Thats it!” (Please tell me there is someone out there that thinks its funny. I can explain it to you if you need me to.)
Every so often I take the risk of trying a new bar. There are probably thousands in the L.A. area (maybe hundreds). But for some reason 4 of the last 10 bars that I’ve stumbled into have been infected with the social disease of Karaoke. If you know me then you know that I love to perform and have absolutely no shame about making a total ass of myself in front of a room full of drunken strangers. But I’ve always thought that was the kind of thing that you had to work up to until karaoke came along. Besides, I prefer to get paid for it.
I hate Karaoke. I think it killed live music in bars. My parents made their living up until I was 4 years old playing bars, lounges and supper clubs around the Midwest and Canada. They didn’t stop because of Karaoke but a lot of live bands they knew did. Cover bands can be really bad but there is no substitute for live music.
I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if people adhered to a few simple rules:
You are not __________. (insert selected artists name)
If you aren’t in on the joke, then its not funny. Its sad. Its really, really sad.
Don’t take it too seriously.
Karaoke whores are out there right now. Going from bar to bar for its karaoke night. Tuesday its at one bar. Wednesday its at the next. You could go every night! But should you? NO. Absolutely not. Some of them actually think that they are a)Really good and are making people happy and b)gonna get discovered. Sorry, no. It’s not American Idol, nobody likes you. We can take a vote if you don’t believe me.
Not a 2+ person song? Then don’t bring your friends.
Yeah, I know its totally Nadine’s last night in town but 2 people really shouldn’t be singing “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen. It has never sounded good in the history of music for 2 people to sing the same thing in 2 different keys at different rhythms while they take turns forgetting words. It sounds like shit being forced into both of my ears. That is not where shit goes. 2 people can take on a 1 person song as long as you take turns. Swap verses, share the chorus. Not for beginners or anyone who can’t split a high and low harmony.
You are singing to the crowd, not the screen. Stop staring at it!
Do you have to look at the screen? Maybe you don’t know the song very well? Maybe you shouldn’t be singing it then. You can glance at it, but don’t stare. Haven’t you given a speech or a presentation? To be fair, a lot of famous performers use prompters for their lyrics. (Rolling Stones, Motley Crue.) When you’ve written more albums than you can count it can get kinda hard to remember something you came up with at 3am 20 years ago. And they aren’t staring at it. You should really only have to see the first word in the verse, the rest should connect.
More of an observation than a rule but… Karaoke at your wedding reception?
You probably aren’t ready for a life-long commitment. I’m sorry but it won’t last …and I’m not buying you a gift.
Multiple Offenders: Know your limit.
This fatty last night sang 3 fucking times after I got to the bar; and probably 3 before I got there. Meanwhile some of our friends got the shaft for arriving later. And she sucked. I wanted to ruin her week and tell her she sucked but something stopped me. One more drink in me and they’d be pulling her down from a noose today. If the bar is empty, sure, go crazy, but if people are waiting and there’s a list? Step aside. 2 is the limit. Repeat Songs are also off limits. (This means you asshole who raped White Wedding twice last night!)
In the interest of disclosure I’ll tell you my karaoke habits. I hate karaoke but am not beyond participation. I follow this strict code of conduct (in addition to the rules listed above). I never pick my own songs. I call it Kamikaze Karaoke®. Don’t try to steal it. I came up with it all by myself so back the fuck off my trademark! Feel free to license its use at your next event. I make very few exceptions but I insist on having someone else pick a song for me. So what if I don’t know it, IT’S NOT REAL!
Last night a girl was pointing to “Don’t you want me?” by the Human League, trying to find a friend to sing it with when I decided to step in. I didn’t know her but what should that matter? We killed it as much as that song can be killed and no, I didn’t need the lyrics. The other success of last night was when my buddy Hal picked “Forgot About Dre” and started the song solo. I leapt for the spare mic and picked up the Slim Shady part. That fucking killed almost as much as Hal + Chad’s “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. (R.I.P. Patrick Swayze). See, all in fun, nobody took it seriously and we limited to 2 songs in the 2 ½ hours we were there.
In conclusion (finally), what’s the compromise that can be met between Karaoke and Live Music, you might be asking? Live Karaoke, fool. Shithook on Thursdays at Duffy’s Tavern in Lincoln, Nebraska where a very skilled live band backs up mostly local band alumni, the occasional batchelorette party and karaoke attention whores not good enough to be in bands (I’m callin’ you out “Whole Lotta Love” guy.) The night before I moved away from Lincoln I was pulled onstage by a friend to perform “Folsom Prison Blues”, but the twist was that we were singing the lyrics to The Who’s “Pinball Wizard”. It raped our minds to follow the verse of one and the melody of the other but we pulled it off and it was original. Everybody won that night.
So keep your feet on the ground and stop reaching for those stars. And if you do, reach for the closest one. (2 star limit please)
But why don’t we as hard working (some of us), voting (some of us) , tax-paying (some of us) citizens have the right to choose whether a relatively harmless plant is illegal or not? What would result be if we as a society were able to vote on that? I mean, California has obviously voted it legal for medicinal purposes (because we’re cool), yet it remains illegal on a federal level. Denver recently voted to legalize marijuana and the vote was 54-46% in favor. And everyone knows that kids don’t vote. So this must have been responsible adults willing to let people make their own decisions about what they put into their bodies. The other 46% can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. But Denver is a pretty good representation for the US in general. The city is fairly liberal (i’d go so far as to use the term “Laid-back”), yet Colorado as a whole is a conservative state. That represents the US to a T. Conservative in the middle and thinking on the coasts. So how do we get this on a ballot? Let’s let the voters decide! The evidence for it’s legalization is certainly there. Especially if you compare it to alcohol.
I love booze. And I don’t wish it to be illegal, but Americans are fucking morons when it comes to handling its liquor. Like how many people lately have told me that they have been a victim of drunk drivers? (4 so far this year) I personally have had 2 vehicles DESTROYED by drunk drivers. My first car when I was 16 was a piece of shit (naturally), and was rear-ended by a pair of drunk drivers. That car could drive all night on only a 1/4 tank of gas (which was just under $1 a gallon back then; oh, it makes me moist thinking about it). Also, the first car that I bought on my own, paid off a loan of $7,000 for, drove 130,000 miles and babied for 7 years died exactly as I’d predicted it would. I told my friends, “One day, a drunk driver is going to plow through this car and total it, and I will be nowhere near it.” And sure enough I’m 100 miles away from school visiting home and i get a call at 2am from my best friend Marker telling me that my car parked in front of the house is dead and some fucking underage kid drove through it. The kid was drunk and all I got for my totalled car was $2,200 from his insurance company.
The truth is that there are 3 million crimes committed in the US every year are ALCOHOL related. Every half hour someone in America is killed by a drunk driver (17,602 in 2006). And where are the marijuana fatalities? Its impossible to overdose and die from weed and yet somehow 1 in 7 drug prisoners is in the pokey for Marijuana. Who were these people hurting? Its not like people were getting robbed so a junkie could feed his pot habit, ya know?
All that the anti-marijuana side has is that “It’s a gateway drug, it leads to worse things”. Well, no asshole, its just the first drug that people do, after alcohol of course. If someone is an addict then they are so before they do ANY drugs. Not many people jump straight into Cocaine and Heroin.
I have an uncle Mike. (But don’t we all?) He had the record for most DUI convictions in my hometown. (I think it was over 8). Thats disgustingly impressive. Every few months our family would hear about him getting arrested and we knew what it was for; one time he even drove his car into “The Old Town Boot Barn” on 4th street. Funny, yes. But stupid. One time he almost died and i visited him in the ICU, full of tubes, cut to shit. Something had gone in and out of his eye socket nearly blinding him. He switched to Meth sometime in the late 90’s. He is in a constant cycle of Addiction, Arrest, and Recovery. Once he gets released from Jail he is back on the pipe and subsequently arrested. My grandpa (from another family) is a former Sheriff who works with Trustees in the prison and says that Mike is a hard worker and good guy when he is in jail. But then he gets out and inevitably fucks up. Because he is an addict. Pot didn’t do that to him.
One time in 2001 I was living in an AMAZING house with MY BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD (and one crazy guy). And Uncle Mike found out where I lived and came to visit. He was fried. He was only 45 at the time but looked like he was 60. Missing teath, bald, yet none of his 3 brothers were. He looked like my Grandma, 66 did when she died. He was disgusting. And people are trying to tell us that Marijuana is the same kind of drug as Meth, Coke and Heroin? Show me who’s face I can spit in for trying to tell me that kind of BULLSHIT.
Right now good people are getting arrested for growing PLANTS! They are getting locked up for shit that grows naturally upon the earth. Pot doesn’t ruin lives. Stupid, oppressive, pointless fucking laws do.
Well i’ve been told that I did pretty well on my predictions. I only wish that I was 2 blocks away from here figuring out where the real after party is. I killed a bottle of 2 Buck Chuck Chardonnay tonight watching what the booze is telling me is the best/most multicultural Oscars in a long time. Good Show, how good was Jon Stewart. Take that MTV for cancelling his show! (seelast week’s Trashing). Answers in Green mean I was fucking right. And apparently now an Orange ribbon means to close Gitmo. A black ribbon should mean “Lets hang this administration by their own small intestines”. I’m wearing that one right now.
SO LETS SEE HOW GOOD I AM!
Performance by an actor in a leading role
Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood” -I got this one right. No competition though really.
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Javier Bardem in “No Country for Old Men”-Correcto. Vato Bueno. El Creep-o Haircutto.
Performance by an actress in a leading role
I guess you can’t trust an instinct that came from an R-Rated dream. Sorry Laura Linney.
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
I had Cate Blanchette pegged for the consulation prize of best supporting but Tilta Swinton grabbed the award for best creepily thin british woman playing an american this year.
Best animated feature film of the year
“Ratatouille” -Correct again. Sorry Aqua Teens.
Achievement in art direction
Sweeney Todd took it. I had the Golden Compass. I didn’t see the film, I’m guessing it had creepy Tim Burton-esque things.
Achievement in cinematography
“There Will Be Blood”- Correct.
Achievement in costume design
“Elizabeth: in the Golden Age”- How silly of me.
Achievement in directing
“No Country for Old Men” -I’m going to use my parents distain as the mile marker in any good film. They told me that they saw Fool’s Gold over Juno this weekend.
Best documentary feature
I kinda knew that “Taxi to the Dark Side” would take it but I figured that 4 movies about war and Iraq and one about healthcare that the dark horse would win. But the dark horse couldn’t afford his health insurance and had to be put down.
Achievement in film editing
Stupid Bourne Ultimatum.
Best foreign language film of the year
“The Counterfeiters” Austria -Good Posters, Trust your graphic designer.
Achievement in makeup
So making an attractive French Woman look like an attractive French woman is apparently harder than making a man with tentacles for a beard.
Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
“Atonement” Dario Marianelli -Yeah, typewriters should be in every emo band too.
Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
“Falling Slowly” from “Once” Music and Lyric by Glen Hansard and: Marketa Irglova -I only listened to 30 seconds of that song and I pegged it for best. Too bad the music industry is dead or i’d have an A&R career.
Best motion picture of the year
“No Country for Old Men” A Scott Rudin/Mike Zoss Production: Scott Rudin, Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Producers -Hooray for Snuff Films!
Achievement in sound editing
Curse you Matt Damon for taking another win from the Transformers!
Achievement in visual effects
Melodie thinks that this might help convince them to make another Golden Compass movie. I hope so, too.
Adapted screenplay
No Country Grabbed this one too. I kinda think at this point that P.T. Anderson got the shaft tonight. No love for the valley.
Original screenplay
“Juno”, Written by Diablo Cody -I’m actually really tired of all the attention that has been brought to her being a stripper. It was in Minnesota, she was still wearing a parka, so it’s not the same thing. But I’m glad I was right about this one too. But now there is so much more pressure for her to follow it up really big. I don’t wish that upon anyone.
I knew it would be a big day for the Coen Bros. And they totally deserve it. I did pretty well and I hope I won my office pool (I already won the Super Bowl pool on blind luck). I know I really rip into some stuff and seem really bitter but I think tonights Oscars were the best I’ve seen in a long fucking time. Maybe next year I’ll get to go to some parties. You can email me if you have the hook up.
Does anyone remember when MTV was really, really good. I mean, its fucking WORTHLESS now, but thats been common knowledge for nearly a decade. I think what made MTV brilliant “back-in-the-day” (I hate that term almost as much as “Old School”) was all of the fucked up/off the wall/surreal/nonsensical stuff that is now common place in places like [Adult Swim] and to an extent Comedy Central. I’ll rattle some of it off and as I do keep in mind that none of these things exist any longer so they are now a reason why mTV eats a big bag of assholes:
Liquid Television: the bastion of Sick and Twisted Animation’s Revival which was basically [Adult Swim]. It birthed Beavis and Butthead, Æon Flux, MTV’s Oddities The Head, and was later born into Cartoon Sushi. There is so much creativity collected into this series that you can’t turn on the tv without seeing a descendant in motion graphics that every network now uses or commercials trying to out-weird each other. Without this show there would be no Daria, King of the Hill, Mtv’s Oddities The Maxx, The Brothers Grunt (You don’t know what the fuck i’m talking about), Ren and Stimpy…
The Bumpers: “We’ve got Crab Legs, aaaah” Thankfully, YouTube is full of these old idents and promos. Bite Sized Brilliance. “I just blew my nose into the MTV logo, ya wanna see? … Well I didn’t want to show it to you anyway!”
The Characters: Aside from the VJs who were all pretty rad until Simon Rex and Idalis showed up. (But for some reason I like Simon Rex now.) Donal Logue and Toby Huss’ (genius!) characters still sit in little corners of my brain singing to each other. On Friday I was leaving a bar and a girl was karao-killing Alanis Morrissete’s “Ironic” and as always, it made me think of Jimmy the Cab Driver. Oddly enough, 10 minutes later I walk into the liquor store next to Spaceland and “Ironic” was playing there as well, i shit you not. “It’s like going crazy, when you’re already nuts.” Its pretty much the reason I decided to post this. And isn’t it ironic, dont you think?
The Sets: Watch this Alternative Nation clip of Kennedy and Tori Amos. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the backgrounds. Very “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” style of production design. I seriously wanted to live there. (Trivial Knowledge Diarrhea: Rob Zombie was a production designer for Pee-Wee)
The Shows: This is going to sound strange but until “The Real World” showed up, MTV had SCRIPTED ENTERTAINMENT! Egads. So this is another of those “so I was leaving a bar the other day” stories but… I met this guy named Chip the other day and when I hear the name Chip I think about the MTV show Austin Stories. I know, you’ve never heard of it. But through the pure coincidence of living in L.A. the guy I was talking to actually was THAT GUY from the show. Beyond that The Jon Stewart Show (yeah it was great, you missed it), Apartment 2F, The State, Remote Control, Idiot Savants were also too good to live. And I wont talk total shit about the real world, the original concept was great but it could only really work for 1 season. After that it seems they cast the same show over and over until it dissolved into a house full of drunken cunts and douchebags.
I know I must be forgetting tons but I think you get my point. I was glued to a TV set growing up and am now unable to connect with humanity. -No, wait, the point I was trying to make is there needs to be a place for creative entertainment like what MTV had to offer in the 80s up to the mid-90s. Society is really missing out on there not being an MTV classic channel right now. And no, I didn’t forget. MTV used to play Music Videos, then M2 used to play music videos, then MTV2 used to play videos. Well you know what? Video Killed the Video Star when MTV and the music industry stopped listening to the audience and tried to tell them what they should like. In a way, their plan seems to be working, but then again thats why we are stuck with American Idol.
She can’t play an instrument, her performances turn to shit, she has no stage presence, she’s a goddamned junkie, and it seems that her whole album was Mark Ronson (Because it sounds exactly the same as the 50 other soul-regurgitated anglo-turds he produced last year*). So why did this bitch win so many awards? I think Leslie Feist should deathmatch her for the grammys she rightfully deserved. Watch out, Feist! She could be on PCP with the strength of 10 emaciated models! Here’s the video of Wino smoking crack in case you haven’t seen it. I hope they throw that dried up hack in prison and force her to listen to her vomit-inducingly unironic song until she snuffs it.
I stopped watching the Grammys a few years ago. I should say rather, that I stopped beliving that they mean anything. They really don’t.** The industry is dead (thank god) and it seems that only Major Label Artists get any props for the music of 2007. Well, what the fuck? Cassadaga came out last year and all it won was for BEST PACKAGING? (It is pretty fucking sweet if you haven’s seen it.) But the point I’m making is that there are Hundreds of AMAZING bands that made some amazing music last year and some worthless assholes in the Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences are trying to tell you that Amy Winehouse made the best achievements in music last year. Go Die.
I’m not trying to be pessimistic but I hung out with too many musicians last year that treated it all too much like a job. It’s not. Its better than a job, its what you are! Be professional but HAVE FUN! Thats the reason that you got into it in the first place, right? If not then STOP DOING IT! I was fortunate enough that I also hung out with plenty of musicians that worked their asses off, made great music, put everything they had financially, emotionally and physically into their music and they got little to no recognition outside of Pitchfork.com. I guess more importantly is that they have a connection to THE FANS and people who came to see them live. And thats what’s really important. Awards are ridiculous; the next time you hear about one, spit on the ground.
I don’t even care that the death of the music industry has snuffed my dream of designing album artwork for a living. At least I’m still doing packaging that millions of people see and I’ll still be alive with a career next year (hopefully). Hey Amy, here’s Renfro’s dealers’ number, give him a call when you come to L.A.
*Lily Allen you’re excused because you are still adorable.
For those of you that enjoy “extreme relaxation”, your day has come. Serious. This is a real product on the market. That one could actually purchase.
Look for this carbonated clusterfuck in liquor stores in the near future. I bet it goes great with vodka…
, 
