For those of you that enjoy “extreme relaxation”, your day has come. Serious. This is a real product on the market. That one could actually purchase.
Drank is apparently the latest “lifestyle” beverage to hit the market. Considered the anti-energy drink, it combines Valerian Root, Rose Hips, and Melatonin to “slow your roll” after a hectic day. It also promises to sharpen your attention at the same time. For reals. And it’s chock-full of sugar, much like its energy-drink counterpoints. Sensing a conflict in the product information?
Part of the inspiration for this ridiculous beverage comes from Purple Drank, a recreational drug of choice for some, a mere cough suppressant for others. Woah, my roll has definitely slowed.
Look for this carbonated clusterfuck in liquor stores in the near future. I bet it goes great with vodka…
A group of retards have posted a video on the typically super handy site Instructables showing us the dark side of the lasers (besides destroying Alderan). The uberstupid bodymod of Branding has moved from Future Primitive Hippies to the able hands of Bored Nerds. Funny, my dermotologist has ads for Laser Tattoo Removal, but there is no way to remove these.
Kids, don’t do this. Your skin just wants to give you a full body hug, don’t go burning it like you used to burn ants.
Does this remind anybody else of the tattoo scene in Starship Troopers?
It sounds like Iraq here in Hollywood tonight. I’m sitting on my balcony and staring at a smoky, red sunset. It’s beautiful. The weather is perfect. Who could possibly ask for more than what we have right now?
But what do we really have?
As each little explosion and extravagantly detailed fireworks displays echo across the Southland I have to think that the better percentage of those explosions have absolutely nothing to do with America. So let me get this straight…
We shoot off fireworks today to celebrate our independence… which we spend the rest of the year throwing away and taking total advantage of. We shell out millions of our devalued dollars to buy explosives from China so we can fund their abusive totalitarian government? I have to think that the guy shooting bottle rockets off his balcony the next building over probably can’t name the 50 states and hasn’t been to more than 3 of them. Is this how he uses his freedom? Does he have nothing better to spend his money on? I think that in order to purchase fireworks there should be a RIGOROUS battery of questions about America. If you fail, no fireworks for you. Most importantly there should be an essay portion that asks the simple question, “Are you free?”
With out of control gas prices pushing record profits to Bush’s friends in the oil industry, we are no longer free to travel across the country to see the REAL beauty of America. It’s become too expensive to fly or drive anywhere beautiful that doesn’t have a mall. Have you ever driven through Colorado, Oregon or Utah, its insane how fucking beautiful they are! And in my case even if i could afford to travel (which really I can’t), like most Americans I am only allowed a week of vacation time from my prison of a job. For the record, most European countries allow 5 or more weeks of paid vacation. And they would have paid for the college that got me into my current position as well. Oh yeah, and healthcare would have been included. Because that’s what truly free countries do for their citizens when THEY are the ones in control of their governments. I am a graphic designer, I stare at a screen all day and yet my job doesn’t have a vision plan. You should see my lovely teeth though!
Let’s be honest, Corporations own America. Lobbyists control the lawmakers that should be listening to us. Putting OUR interests first. The only way they will hear us is if we vote for candidates who will put the citizens before the pharmaceutical, tobacco, and weapons industries. Our priorities should be the health and education of our citizens. Not giving us cigarettes to keep us sick, drugs to keep us alive and smoking and guns to finish the job. We need to show our elected officials that if they don’t listen to US instead of $$$, then we will fucking destroy them. (um, figuratively remove their power?)
When we don’t vote, they don’t hear us, and America… you haven’t been voting. And as long as guns are legal, we shouldn’t be using them on each other. We should be using them on anyone who feels they are above following the Constitution. Because that’s what it says we are supposed to do.
Most people I ask these days are at least vaguely familiar with either David Sedaris or his younger sister, Amy. Those who are more fans of David’s work know Amy as his crazy and wildly entertaining sister who tortured their father by wearing half a fat suit home for the holidays, co-wrote plays with him (as The Talent Family), and was his overall accomplice in playing practical jokes on their friends and family.
I knew of Amy before David, from catching her as the amoral ex-con/junkie/prostitute Jerri Blank on Strangers With Candy. I was immediately captivated by the freakshow that is Flatpoint High School, home of the Concrete Donkey. I was also amazed by how pretty Amy Sedaris is without the fatsuit/makeup/schlumpy look. The show is in the format of the beloved after-school special, each episode ending with a lesson learned, often times the wrong one. For example, in an episode about eating disorders, Jerri learns that it’s OK to be anorexic because then people will pay attention to you. In the episode “Who Wants Cake?” (possibly my favorite), after much research and advice-seeking, Jerri discerns that it’s okay to snitch on the suspected retarded girl in class, because “if provoked, she could fly into a rage with the strength of an ape and no remorse, not even a bullet could bring her down”.
Oh lawdy, this show is highly offensive and politically incorrect, which is why I watch it. No one is safe from insult, whether Jerri is writing in her “dirty Jew diary”, or constantly comparing to her Filpino friend, Orlando to a monkey (see below). The writers of SWC (Paul Dinello, Stephen Colbert, and Amy) relish in the act of Schadenfreude, pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune-”Laughter through the tears,” in the words of Amy. Here are some of the show’s finer gems:
-”It’s unthinkable, the atrocities that the Native Americans committed against the buffalo. No one is certain what exactly the Native Americans did to the poor creatures, but whatever it was, it caused the buffalo to become so depressed, that when the white men came, the buffalo committed suicide by jumping in front of the white men’s muskets.”
-”Orlando, you can’t be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn’t sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.”
-”Greeks are just Jews without money!”
-”Let’s go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back.”
-”You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed…really hard.”
One of the primary inspirations for the show, and for the main character was a 1970 documentary called “The Trip Back”, which featured a 50-year-old former junkie whore named Florrie Fisher lecturing a group of high school students about the perils of drug use. And yes, any resemblance of Fisher to Jerri Blank is intentional.
The film version premiered at Sundance in 2005, as a sort of ‘prequel’ to the TV show. The plot was sloppy, production was delayed multiple times, and the budget appeared to be teeny-weeny, but most SWC devotees (myself included) still enjoyed it.
This show was grotesquely hilarious and deliciously offensive, and its run was cut way too short. Apparently Comedy Central was disappointed with its less than South Park stellar ratings, even though it quickly built a cult following, whose fans included the likes of Janeane Garofalo, Winona Ryder, and David Cross (who all made guest appearances on the show). It’s a bit like the car crash that you can’t take your eyes off of…if the car was full of handicapped albino dwarfs that also happened to be white supremacists with eating disorders. I now leave you with these wise words…
“Packing a Musket” by Jerri Blank.
When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you’re a call girl.
When you walk ’til you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you’re a street whore.
When they’re beggin’ you please to get down on your knees near their groinage, excusa me, but you see, don’t you touch where they pee without coinage.
This video just reminded me to change my party affiliation back to Independent (I registered Democrat only for the Primary). I think joining either team guarantees that you are rolling over to take a corporate sponsored dildo up the ass. I can’t vote neither so at least I’ll vote for the one who talks about helping the environment, women’s rights and marriage equality; even if they never really do anything about it.
It sits on the charging dock all night, then dies on my way to work when I put it on shuffle. Or it just plain freezes until it’s connected to a power source again. What an asshole. I’ve had it for a few years, so I’m not exactly surprised that it’s nearing its end. The idea of not having one terrifies me in ways even I don’t understand. It’s like a security blanket, and it’s a great excuse to ignore people, plusI really enjoy having a soundtrack to my life. But cripes, I’m not sure if I have an extra few hundred to shell out for a new one. intr0vert says I should wait until the next generation iPhone comes out.
But the thought of my iPod completely giving up before then is enough to give me nightmares.
I just sold my Zune mp3 player. For practically nothing. Granted, my mom won it in a drawing, so I shouldn’t complain. I’d even consider using it if I still had a PC. I don’t quite understand the negative stigma attached to the Zune-I know it’s no iPod, but I didn’t mind it when I still used it.
This is definitely not high up on my concerns/priorities list, survival being at the top of course. But it certainly is the icing on the shitcake that is my life these days. Wah, right? If my life soundtrack was on, it’d be playing Travis’ “Why does it always rain on me?”.
I think Ellen should have punched that geriatric fuckhead in his puckered ferret face when she had the chance. Maybe she could have at least verbally reduced him to the sniveling, pathetic dinosaur turd that he is.
Ellen had Senator John McLiverspot on her show and the discussion of Gay Marriage inevitably came up and McDouchebag actually had the shriveled balls to maintain anything but eye contact and “respectfully disagree” with her in saying that MARRIAGE is only a contractual agreement and not real unless it is between a man and a woman. Marriage must be totally sacred for a divorced cocksucker like McCain?
This asshole makes me want to puke. You lose your war veteran sympathy when you are a prick like that. He’s the asshole who has said he wants to stay in the war for 100 years if thats what it takes. Pretty fucking pathetic when you consider that it’s been revealed that the catalyst for Vietnam was also false. This means that his friends were killed and he was tortured for NOTHING just like all of the dead soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan fighting for this IMAGINARY “War on Terror”. I hope his bus crashes into a ditch full of AIDS.
Hillary can ride shotgun. Get a clue, bitch, we’re just not that into you.
I only watch TV one night of the week. I dont really have to watch it at all anymore thanks to Hulu. But if I’m at home, and its Sunday night then I’m watching The Simpsons, Family Guy, et all. So the worst ending to the week comes on after American Dad in the form of Los Angeles’ nightly news. In the meager 8 minutes i let FOX LA stay on in the background there were 4 violent stories, mostly involving the police and their incompetence. The best/worst one involving the Long Beach Police tasering and shooting a 125 lb. terminally ill lung cancer patient with mental illness. Of course the eyewitness testimony was completely different than the police spokesperson. It seems that the cop accidentally popped the guy tasered on the ground and the police made up a bullshit story that they guy had retard strength and withstood batons and tasers to grab a policeman’s nightstick and they had to take him down. In what fucking fantasy world are tasers ineffective? If you have muscles and nerves then they are going to fuck you up because thats what electricity does to you. Are they hiring out-of-work screenwriters as police spokesmen now?
Have you ever seen the 1988 John Carpenter classic They Live starring Rowdy Roddy Piper? It’s amazing! In the story Roddy finds these glasses that filter out what the media is telling you to its base element. For example, a Mcdonalds billboard would just say EAT or CONSUME and politicians are just telling you to OBEY. (Yes that’s where Sheperd Fairy’s mark came from…and they also see aliens in their true form). So what I see for that short period of time before I shut the tv off in disgust is that:
Your police are violent and will fucking shoot you and get paid leave and are never wrong so do what they say. Also, don’t leave the house, here are some car and food commercials. You’ll be safe if you have this car and won’t have to be a responsible driver. This fast food will make you a closer, more happy family; no home prepared meal can. Go into debt to afford things that are newer because that makes them better and that will make you a better person. Here are some tips to save a nickel or a dime off of a 3 dollar purchase as long as you don’t pay attention to how much of your income your many loan payments are. *click*
There are upwards of 17 million people in the Los Angeles-Riverside-Long Beach area. Of course crazy shit is going to happen but should I be watching a completely unbalanced “report” of it? There is no community catharsis or instructions on what you can do about having terrible public servants. There is no advice on how you can make your own community stronger. They are telling you that the viewing public doesn’t want to see that anyway. They’d show that stuff but they’d lose raitings and they’d lose sponsors. It’s bullshit and I’m not going to watch a second of it anymore, ever. I don’t see who it helps for that to be out in front of anybody if it doesn’t accomplish anything. The citizens of the Long Beach community should have beaten those officers critically with their own clubs and tasers and the anchors should have been the people to give them the order. “I don’t know about you Suzi but if some fucking redneck asshole cops killed my unarmed dying family member, I would beat the shit out of them and park their squad car on their throats.”
On top of that its been hot as fuck here. It’s summer, there are going to be a lot of crazy things happening and I know the news will only be painting a more desperate story. I know I sound like a hippie here but where is the Peace and Love, man? I though weed was legal in this motherfucker? And we can marry whomever the fuck we want! Lets fire the cops and fucking celebrate! Gah, its hot… I need a shower.
This is a response commented on DeadLantern.com in regards to the parts of “David’s Situation” that we’d missed:
I agree the first scene was a little slow, but you should have stuck around to give an accurate review. Although, in your defense, I’m not sure I would have stayed in an adjascent room either. We got in, but arrived at 5pm to make sure we made it in for the 7pm start. It was absolutely packed and for those of us that got in we were not disappointed.
Some of what you missed: John Ennis and Zach Galifianakis in a fucking hilarious parody of “To Catch a Predator” (BJ did a great job as Chris Hanson). A second stand up set by David even better than the first. A “round table” discussion with the cast and Andy Dick who appeared in a mock video relating to the story of the episode. The mock video may have been the highlight of a great night.
Janeane Garafalo was not in the show, but was on the set with a long list of great comedy minds (Patton Oswalt, Jerry Minor, Michael Blieden, Brian Posehn were among those I saw).
Based on the reaction of the audience I can’t imagine this show will not see more episodes. Bob and David delivered as I had hoped. It was great to see them together again. Don’t judge the show by the first scene. It is not at all indicative of the show. Lump of coal? Hardly. A diamond that could use a little polishing, but a diamond none the less. If you’re a fan of Bob and David you will be a fan of David’s Situation. Anyone else see it?
So my review was premature and perhaps they saved themselves in the rest of the show. HBO doesn’t put out shitty products so I guess they know what they were doing. Sad we missed the rest, sounds a lot better than the first scene. And fuck those fucking fuckers in production that made no mention of over-booking the show, completely ABANDONED the 40 people who got left out and worst of all MADE US WAIT IN A FUCKING LINE FOR AN HOUR before all that shit happened. They should have told us we weren’t getting in within 10 minutes of our being there! For that, fuck those assholes. I’m going to pirate the shit out of this show if it makes it on the air. We probably would have stuck around had they not cut the cameras in between scenes. If we could have watched the details while they were resetting then we might have stayed a little longer. Still, fuck them for not telling us about it being overbooked. When i’d replied to the confirmation email with an angry comment the AUTO-REPLY mentioned that it would be over booked and to arrive early as opposed to the 6pm time listed. Who the fuck would that help if they had to reply to the confirmation message? Only people who had to cancel would have responded to that message. Stupid.
They overbooked the audience for the pilot taping of Bob & David’s new show “David’s Situation” so lucky you, AvantTrash is the first site to review it.
It’s not very funny, sorry. The first scene that is. Sure, pilots are messy, rough, and usually need a LOT of tweaking. In this case I think they’d need to revamp the show altogether. But this snap judgment is only in regards to the FIRST SCENE which we watched 3 TIMES via Closed Circuit TV from JUST OUTSIDE OF THE STUDIO because they overbooked the audience by about 40 people. So after waiting in line for like an hour at CBS they guide us to this craft services room with a 20-inch TV of the show being taped next door. Fucking Lame.
The show’s main angle seemed to be a 4th wall breaking mockery of sitcoms, delivered a bit half-assed with sitcom cliches that have already been parodied a hundred times. Any post-modernism intended seemed to swallowed up by it’s lack of originality. Harsh, I know but it seems to be well worn territory (remember Garry Shandling’s Sitcom?). So could this indictment be because we were bitter about not getting into the actual taping? Not really. I am a HUGE fan of Mr.Show who has sung its praises and done my part to indoctrinate everyone I know about it for more than a decade, and the only thing I could think about while leaving the studio was “my how they have fallen”.
To spoil it for you the plot of the mock sitcom is that David is done with the Hollywood life and moves to “middle America” to write for an in-flight magazine and becomes roommates with stereotypical hippie Matt Besser and a flag waving old guy played by nobody. (Bob Odenkirk is featured in a very short sidebit)
Hippie Matt: “Did you know that every time you hug someone it releases positive ions into the atmosphere?” David: “Did you know that every time you hug a hippie you kill a practical thought?”
It had a few laughs but overall wasn’t what any of the 20 or so of us watching would call funny. The highpoint of what we saw was an intro delivered as David would in his standup where he blasts Jeremy Piven and the Hollywood Scene. “And I knew that it was too much when I saw that Jeremy Piven’s dog was wearing the same Von Dutch hat as me.” We didn’t stay for any of the other scenes (they killed the feed in between scenes and we’d already waited enough today) but outside of the studio on our way out we saw B.J. Porter, Mo Collins (featured in the first scene) and Jerry Minor. Before the show when we were parking the car we saw Janeane Garofalo walking to the studio, but can’t be sure she’s in the show or not (probably not).
Btw, David, are you done with standup? I think you are due for more. The inevitable failure of this pilot just might give him the opportunity to do so.
The scene did get a little better the more they worked through it so there is a slight possibility that with A LOT more work it could be passable but I don’t think we will be seeing a Bob & David lump of coal turned into a comedy diamond anytime soon.
I was at Sundance last year a few people we all atwitter about the movie “Teeth“, so i’m watching it now and its kinda boring, a little slow, but only half way through. At the part I’m at now she’s doing a web search for Vagina Dentata so I figured I’d do the same (at the least there will be some crazy tentacle hentai or something as a consolation prize). The first and last thing I found was a page selling The RapeX which is A BARBED FEMALE CONDOM TO THWART AND IDENTIFY RAPISTS. I guess you just put the thing in your hoo-hah and let your short skirt and a bad neighborhood do the rest. (Just make sure you don’t have it on inside out)
The next time I have consensual sex even, I will be checking. Nothing personal ladies, safety first.
I’m totally sickened that I’m even writing about this. Then again, I am pretty sick. And quite frankly, after the VaginaCam post, I needed a bit of fluff. Oooh, Miley Cyrus and her jailbait-y goodness! Her poor parents, they seem to be rivaling the Lohans in the “selling out our kids at the risk of their dignity/sanity for a buck” contest. Actually, I don’t think said picture is really worth all the controversy.
Now, the risque ones she took of her and her friends that have been popping up on the internet left and right-those are naughty. In all fairness, what 15 year old girl didn’t take naughty pics with her friends? (or was that just me?) But then again, I wasn’t Disney’s cash cow at the time.
Many people in the public eye felt the need to weigh in on the situation-Bill O’Reilly, Ellen, the ladies from The View…I didn’t give a shit until Stephen Colbert said his piece on it. Oh Stephen Colbert, never again will you win a gem of a role like the closeted history teacher on Strangers With Candy. I miss that show. Best after-school special ever. Anywhoo, this pretty much sums up how I feel about it:
The cliffsnote’s version of Colbert’s viewpoint: Who gives a shit? Am I right? I guess it’s a little hypocritical that I am writing about it, a fault of mine, I admit it. But the poor girl, being a teenager is hard enough without the media scrutinizing every move you make, innocent or otherwise. Oh wait, she’s worth a billion dollars, therefore I am physically unable to have sympathy for her.
Oh yeah, here you go, sickos. You know you want to.
I’ve been in Los Angeles for 1 year, 2 months, 12 days and 5 hours now and I have a very small group of friends to show for my time here. I have come to the conclusion that I must be a total asshole with absolutely no social skills whatsoever otherwise I’d actually be doing something at 11pm on a Friday night. Its not that I didn’t have plans. Someone asked me if I wanted to meet them at a bar. Knowing that people flake like mad around here I made backup plans to meet someone else at the same bar JUST IN CASE person #1 flaked.
I understand that sometimes it can’t be avoided. Sometimes you get REALLY tired or something, it was hot as hell today so if you were outside you are probably destroyed right now. I did some balcony gardening and had to put shoes on because my feet were melting. So I could see calling in flake for that… sometimes. I can also see that if you’ve been in traffic all day (which is like slow moving prison) that you don’t want to drive around and things are really spread out around here (20 minutes to everywhere my ass!) so I can see not wanting to drive… but even the distance flake has its limits… like the fact that I ALWAYS HAVE TO DRIVE.
Well I’m sick of it. I must have no friends at all. Usually I drive and never complain about doing so. Then when it comes to going out and I ask if people want to carpool… they don’t. Awesome, not only are people being assholes to me we can fuck up the environment together! I feel special.
I had a nice Lazy Saturday or Caturday (because I get to be as lazy as Zero). I watched movies [Wristcutters: A Love Story(2006) EuroTrip(2004) and Cutie Honey(2004)] and still managed to make eggs for breakfast, clean up my apartment, repot a plant, do the dishes, wash the cat, make cheesy broccoli and cod for dinner and play guitar all day. So it was all good and productive and I expected a nice night out… that i very much need and deserve considering I WORKED ALL THE WAY THROUGH LAST WEEKEND. But sure enough I started getting messages saying… “Sorry we tired, another time”, no problem I thought, Thats why I made a backup plan yesterday, so I texted my backup and… “Sorry, take a rain check?” Well, I thought this was the raincheck. Seems it never rains in southern California.
I propose a limitation on flaking. You get 2 per month. Seriously, is there no standard anymore? I have a DRASTIC problem with trusting in what others say or KEEPING plans. I don’t claim to NEVER flake but I do claim A VERY LOW FLAKE RATIO. Maybe its just because I have nothing better to do…see no friends.
Everytime I go out, I have a great time. I drink (surprisingly in moderation lately), I dance, I make merriment. So its pretty hard to make friends when I never make it out of the apartment. The double edge of Hollywood is that there are so many people here, so much to do; yet almost everyone you meet is a total flake. (Looking out for #1 much?)
If you plan on moving out here, don’t stay somewhere trustworthy like the midwest for too long. You’ll only be disappointed in the flakedness of others.
I haven’t been posting all that much lately because I’ve been really busy at work. Lame I know. We worked through last weekend and I nearly went crazy on Monday but we finished the 2nd round of Comps (Different proposed versions of the artwork used for COMParison) for the complete boxed set of HBO’s Amazing Series The Wire.
At the beginning of this week it felt as if I was going stir-crazy from work; time had slowed to a crawl and each moment was complete agony. I just wanted a big womb to crawl into and sleep for a week. But I trudged through and we finished it and sent it off to New York last night so we’ll hear back next week sometime on who’s comp they are going with. But mine fucking rules. We also sent in comps for a movie produced by Tyrannasaurus Banks called The Clique. Its about vapid, conniving, spoiled rich tweenage lobotomies on the east coast who get anything they want. Its almost exactly like Heathers and Mean Girls… but its 15-17 year old melodrama for 13 year olds. Kinda weird how we can go from designing for THE ABSOLUTE BEST POLICE DRAMA EVER to total fluff.
Speaking of fluff, we have been doing a lot of work for a gay network. At first we were only designing their ads but another company we do work for bought a bunch of their movies to distribute (its a gaynopoly I tell ya) now we are designing their key art (the original artwork for posters and dvd covers) for something like 10 films. All of the movies are like PG-13 gay. Whats the point? It might as well be straight if you aren’t swinging wieners around. All thats left of these movies are ridiculous plots, bad acting and obviously very tiny budgets. I think they should just start making porn. The movie I had to screen today “starred” Tracey Gold from Growing Pains and a hot straight girl who played a lesbian on The L Word (and she was in Jason Goes to Hell I think). The plot was ludicrous and involved a boy genius who predicts sunspots that will wipe out technology and break down life as we know it… and his hot lesbian strip club bouncer mom. And Tracey Gold kisses a girl at the end, a slight peck, no tongue, less than a second. It was so not gay that it was gay. The biggest plot hole was how a single parent who worked at a strip club could afford a brand new Ford Explorer and own her own home in Los Angeles. And a full sized train passing Hollywood and Highland and crashing into Union Station. Sunspots. The last one we worked on was actually worse. It was based on an Edgar Allan Poe story (none that I’d ever heard of though), it was about a house that was alive and claimed buff manservants in order to stay in one piece. And of course it only had man-kissing, sensuous rubbing nowhere erogenous and the dudes would undo their pants and leave their wangs in… but they’d pull down the back of their underwear! Are there really dudes out there getting hot to this stuff? Being queer must give you an amazing imagination! It must be like drinking a bottle of cough syrup or something. No wonder all of those trannies on Santa Monica Blvd look like they are having such a good time.
Hippie New Year everybody. I missed 4:20 today. Cause I was working… on a Sunday. I’m in California, it should be a state holiday. This makes weed nun very unhappy.
Here is a link to a previous Weekly Trashing about Pot. I’ll spoil it for you. It should be legal.
If Erotic Falconry didn’t get you sweaty enough. Here is some Erotic Dentistry. So sexy it eliminates 99.9% of the germs that cause the gum disease gingivitis. I’m totally switching back to Aquafresh.
My favorite Post is Raisin Bran -wait! I take it back! I love Grape-Nuts. I like how deceptive they are. If they could talk (and to me they do) they would say, “I have it all figured out: I can call myself whatever the fuck I want to and it doesn’t matter. I know I kick ass, You know I kick ass. I’m simple, crunchy, and so full of fiber you can build a sod house out of tomorrows duke.” Also, they are expensive; but I think this is only to remind you that they are classy. “You want the good shit? Then you’re gonna have to pay good money for it,” they say. Except this one time I scored the huge box of Grape Nuts for like 2 bucks at Ralphs-woops, I mean Russ’. Shit, been in CA too long. Its all the same, Red Circular Logo, value card. Hmm, kinda like… Post (minus the value card). Ok I figured it out. Post/Ralph’s/Russ’s = The Illuminati / TheFreemasons / OpusDei / Scientology / Skull&Bones / GirlScouts. Conspiracy Theory solved. And it only took 100 posts. You know Russ’s is evil, just look at all of those ss’s. They speak Parseltongue there ya know.
That 2 dollar box of grape nuts lasted me through 3 gallons of milk and for the spring of 2006, I was a force to be reckoned with. Thanks to Grape-nuts. Why the hyphen? “Thats right, I’ve got a hyphen, jealous? what the fuck are you going to do about it?!”
Maybe Grape-Nuts is actually a last name? Like when families of distinction marry and want to carry on both names, cause like I said… classy. Unlike the Corn Crackos (sounds like Grand Island). They’ve got an addiction. The box even says, “Free Sample”. Because the first time is always free, kiddies.
Congrats to Jay-Z. Way to barely step up to the marriage thing. Barely claiming to be in a relationship? Yeah, I’ve been there. I can understand if you want to keep it private because it isn’t anyones business but your own. I dig. But dude, you’re 11 years older than your girlfriend. She makes as much, if not more than you. She has dumps like a truck and is the least trashy hooch you will ever find. Suck it up buddy, you’re almost 40 and she’s almost talented. You can tell us if you’re together. It’s ok, we already know.
So yeah this is kind of a bullshit post (the 99th bullshit post yall!). I’m just gonna start venting cause I’ve been looking really hard at my situation lately and things seem really great but at the same time I’m feeling completely strangled. This kind of thing is really dangerous to say considering anyone could read this (like co-workers and bosses) but oh well. I’m not dropping names.
I know we’ve been slacking on the posts. Mostly my fault. I blame general busy-ness and malaise after a criminally way too long day at work. After I get done I just don’t want to do anything. Seriously, am i a fucking immigrant here? I work 9am-8pm regularly. Past that even. Sure sometimes i wander in closer to 9:30 am but so what. I deserve that extra snooze mashing. I figured it out and that 55 hours a week (+/- 5 or so) is only paying me $9.30 an hour after taxes! I have a college degree goddamnit! I have great fucking ideas! I can write clever copylines like a motherfucker! My concepts are fucking tight!
And because I live in Hollywood half of my income goes to Rent. I know, that’s my fault. Its like buying cable when you aren’t at home to use it. I don’t even get to see all the fun things going on around here because I am working too hard to afford it. I figured it out and I’m losing. The whole winning vs. losing thing I mean. And I figured out that I’m really losing my self-esteem. I’m learning a lot doing this work but its just so fucking thankless. Its like the whole time I’m there it’s over my head that I SHOULD BE DOING MORE; or that THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO COULD DO YOUR JOB AND YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE IT. But sometimes like today when I’m cutting elf bodies apart to make DVD sleeves for Fred Claus and frankenstein-ing a cover together I have to stop for a second and just stare at a few pixels on the screen and think that the arm of the little person in Fred Claus is probably doing better than I am.
The other thing I worked on this week was a Gay ad. No really, it was an ad for a gay soap opera that might or might not go in a gay magazine. Actually it will go in like a half-dozen if they choose mine (1-in-3 chance). And a lot of my crap has been getting chosen at work lately. And when I brag about that kind of thing people ask me, “Do you get paid more if your work sells a lot?” Um, no… it doesn’t work that way. -or- “If they pick your thing do you get some kind of bonus?” Well no, sometimes its kind of a group effort or sometimes they don’t pick my stuff. But i’ve been keeping an unofficial total lately and i’m at about 60-80%. Which is a very good average for this kind of thing. So… I’m losing.
I was fucking around on April Fool’s when I said it was time for a change but sometimes I don’t know how much I was joking about that. If this is how everyone’s career works in Graphic Design, then maybe I don’t want to do Graphic Design. I have friends at other studios now who have better pay, more perks, slightly better hours and are in nicer parts of town (closer to where I live at least). But I know my situation could be A LOT worse. I know people who drive 2 hours a day to get to and from work. I can usually get to work in 10 minutes. Which is amazing. And it could be worse if I would have taken the first job I interviewed for at Liquid Generation where I wouldnt even be making what I do now. (and strangely my job would be doing what i kinda do with this blog).
Despite what I am grateful for, I REFUSE to spend the best years of my life in an office. Is that where inspiration comes from? Are all of my talents being utilized? Is my creativity being rewarded? No, unfortunately not.
I’ve almost been at my job a year. I’m not getting paid much more than when I started and I can honestly say that my hours have on a regular basis kept me from having/making/spending time with friends (what few friends I’ve had time to make here). I’ve missed too many gorgeous sunny southern California days to meet ridiculous deadlines so studios can turn enough of a profit screwing us creatives in the ass to afford to pay over-stroked egos like Tom Cruise multi-million dollar salaries to make shitty uncreative films.
So yeah, I’m stuck. Last night there was an Earthquake in my dream. Maybe that means that the Axe is going to fall and everything I enjoy about life is going to break down. Well maybe in the long run it will be for the better. Or maybe money will start pouring from the San Andreas Fault by way of a life-changing opportunity. This is still the land of dreams right?
BTW, stop having kids, stop sending them to Los Angeles. We’re full, go somewhere else. You’ve got nothing to contribute. We have enough actors, thank you.
Now if you’ll excuse me there is a bum fight going on somewhere behind my apartment. I have to go to the balcony and watch. Might as well get my money’s worth in this neighborhood.
For those of you that enjoy “extreme relaxation”, your day has come. Serious. This is a real product on the market. That one could actually purchase.
Look for this carbonated clusterfuck in liquor stores in the near future. I bet it goes great with vodka…
I knew of Amy before David, from catching her as the amoral ex-con/junkie/prostitute Jerri Blank on 
