My favorite Post is Raisin Bran -wait! I take it back! I love Grape-Nuts. I like how deceptive they are. If they could talk (and to me they do) they would say, “I have it all figured out: I can call myself whatever the fuck I want to and it doesn’t matter. I know I kick ass, You know I kick ass. I’m simple, crunchy, and so full of fiber you can build a sod house out of tomorrows duke.” Also, they are expensive; but I think this is only to remind you that they are classy. “You want the good shit? Then you’re gonna have to pay good money for it,” they say. Except this one time I scored the huge box of Grape Nuts for like 2 bucks at Ralphs-woops, I mean Russ’. Shit, been in CA too long. Its all the same, Red Circular Logo, value card. Hmm, kinda like… Post (minus the value card). Ok I figured it out. Post/Ralph’s/Russ’s = The Illuminati / TheFreemasons / OpusDei / Scientology / Skull&Bones / GirlScouts. Conspiracy Theory solved. And it only took 100 posts. You know Russ’s is evil, just look at all of those ss’s. They speak Parseltongue there ya know.
That 2 dollar box of grape nuts lasted me through 3 gallons of milk and for the spring of 2006, I was a force to be reckoned with. Thanks to Grape-nuts. Why the hyphen? “Thats right, I’ve got a hyphen, jealous? what the fuck are you going to do about it?!”
Maybe Grape-Nuts is actually a last name? Like when families of distinction marry and want to carry on both names, cause like I said… classy. Unlike the Corn Crackos (sounds like Grand Island). They’ve got an addiction. The box even says, “Free Sample”. Because the first time is always free, kiddies.
Congrats to Jay-Z. Way to barely step up to the marriage thing. Barely claiming to be in a relationship? Yeah, I’ve been there. I can understand if you want to keep it private because it isn’t anyones business but your own. I dig. But dude, you’re 11 years older than your girlfriend. She makes as much, if not more than you. She has dumps like a truck and is the least trashy hooch you will ever find. Suck it up buddy, you’re almost 40 and she’s almost talented. You can tell us if you’re together. It’s ok, we already know.
So yeah this is kind of a bullshit post (the 99th bullshit post yall!). I’m just gonna start venting cause I’ve been looking really hard at my situation lately and things seem really great but at the same time I’m feeling completely strangled. This kind of thing is really dangerous to say considering anyone could read this (like co-workers and bosses) but oh well. I’m not dropping names.
I know we’ve been slacking on the posts. Mostly my fault. I blame general busy-ness and malaise after a criminally way too long day at work. After I get done I just don’t want to do anything. Seriously, am i a fucking immigrant here? I work 9am-8pm regularly. Past that even. Sure sometimes i wander in closer to 9:30 am but so what. I deserve that extra snooze mashing. I figured it out and that 55 hours a week (+/- 5 or so) is only paying me $9.30 an hour after taxes! I have a college degree goddamnit! I have great fucking ideas! I can write clever copylines like a motherfucker! My concepts are fucking tight!
And because I live in Hollywood half of my income goes to Rent. I know, that’s my fault. Its like buying cable when you aren’t at home to use it. I don’t even get to see all the fun things going on around here because I am working too hard to afford it. I figured it out and I’m losing. The whole winning vs. losing thing I mean. And I figured out that I’m really losing my self-esteem. I’m learning a lot doing this work but its just so fucking thankless. Its like the whole time I’m there it’s over my head that I SHOULD BE DOING MORE; or that THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO COULD DO YOUR JOB AND YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE IT. But sometimes like today when I’m cutting elf bodies apart to make DVD sleeves for Fred Claus and frankenstein-ing a cover together I have to stop for a second and just stare at a few pixels on the screen and think that the arm of the little person in Fred Claus is probably doing better than I am.
The other thing I worked on this week was a Gay ad. No really, it was an ad for a gay soap opera that might or might not go in a gay magazine. Actually it will go in like a half-dozen if they choose mine (1-in-3 chance). And a lot of my crap has been getting chosen at work lately. And when I brag about that kind of thing people ask me, “Do you get paid more if your work sells a lot?” Um, no… it doesn’t work that way. -or- “If they pick your thing do you get some kind of bonus?” Well no, sometimes its kind of a group effort or sometimes they don’t pick my stuff. But i’ve been keeping an unofficial total lately and i’m at about 60-80%. Which is a very good average for this kind of thing. So… I’m losing.
I was fucking around on April Fool’s when I said it was time for a change but sometimes I don’t know how much I was joking about that. If this is how everyone’s career works in Graphic Design, then maybe I don’t want to do Graphic Design. I have friends at other studios now who have better pay, more perks, slightly better hours and are in nicer parts of town (closer to where I live at least). But I know my situation could be A LOT worse. I know people who drive 2 hours a day to get to and from work. I can usually get to work in 10 minutes. Which is amazing. And it could be worse if I would have taken the first job I interviewed for at Liquid Generation where I wouldnt even be making what I do now. (and strangely my job would be doing what i kinda do with this blog).
Despite what I am grateful for, I REFUSE to spend the best years of my life in an office. Is that where inspiration comes from? Are all of my talents being utilized? Is my creativity being rewarded? No, unfortunately not.
I’ve almost been at my job a year. I’m not getting paid much more than when I started and I can honestly say that my hours have on a regular basis kept me from having/making/spending time with friends (what few friends I’ve had time to make here). I’ve missed too many gorgeous sunny southern California days to meet ridiculous deadlines so studios can turn enough of a profit screwing us creatives in the ass to afford to pay over-stroked egos like Tom Cruise multi-million dollar salaries to make shitty uncreative films.
So yeah, I’m stuck. Last night there was an Earthquake in my dream. Maybe that means that the Axe is going to fall and everything I enjoy about life is going to break down. Well maybe in the long run it will be for the better. Or maybe money will start pouring from the San Andreas Fault by way of a life-changing opportunity. This is still the land of dreams right?
BTW, stop having kids, stop sending them to Los Angeles. We’re full, go somewhere else. You’ve got nothing to contribute. We have enough actors, thank you.
Now if you’ll excuse me there is a bum fight going on somewhere behind my apartment. I have to go to the balcony and watch. Might as well get my money’s worth in this neighborhood.
I’m not quitting my job, I’d almost never move back to Nebraska unless I had a ton of money that I could escape anytime I please, and it would be nearly impossible at this juncture to do freelance on a fulltime basis.
And I probably wouldn’t kill a Wal-Mart patron… the Walton family on the other hand…
Ok i’ve finally had enough of this full time thing. Working 9 to 7 just isn’t worth it anymore; so at exactly 3:33pm today I am going to march into my bosses office and demand a 15% raise (which still makes me too poor to buy a new car) or I’m ‘onna skate, ya heard? Soo, fulltime freelance designer I shall be probably from heretoforafter! I think I might also pick up some extra work as an Extra. I think waiting around on a set for 3 hours will be better than staring at a screen for 10. And it will give me time to get out there and actually meet people! I’ve been in L.A. for a year and a month and 17 days now and have a pretty short list of people to call and say, “whats up!?” to on a Friday night. And I’ve actually begun work on my design portfolio site (believe it or not!) and will be soliciting art directing/consulting jobs in the Home Entertainment/Independent Film/Small-Medium Sized Music Label/Alt-Retail Clothing Design Fields. Surely someone needs a crazy like me to think up nutty ideas for them. Also I’ll get to use my Marketing/Promotions skillz that I developed in the music scenes around Lincoln and Grand Island and on campus with [adult swim]. I’m also thinking i’ll find out which studios keep an in-house art departments. It would suck (for me) to work for a network like Animal Planet but the guys that design for [adult swim] in atlanta have a pretty cool fucking job. Not everything I do right now is rad like The Wire or Blade Runner (that i’m working on right now). Some of the movies (like Otis) suck the devils nutsack. But I suppose I’ll be eating a hefty helping of bullshit now that I’m on the lam. (Lamb? L.A.M.B.?)
And if I finally fall on my ass I can always move back to NE and unplug my brain for a while. Maybe even use the Art portion of my Art Degree. I haven’t painted in forever! Sometimes (way too often) I just feel like doing NOTHING and just waiting for my brain to catch up. Maybe I’ll finally seek a bit of psychiatric assistance for the half-dozen little things that seem to keep me from being able to connect to other human beings. I don’t think I have social anxiety disorder or anything, just kind of a disdain for the average Wal-Mart customer. It’s bordering on bloodlust. I may just need a sacrifice. If I take out just one little sheep then I will probably feel a little better. I’ll just look for someone obese by choice, reading Left Behind, Watching Bill O’Reilly, Littering and buying Larry the Cable Guy DVDs with foodstamps. (Achoo!) So Nebraska is probably the best place for that. 400 miles of plenty of places to lose a body and I can’t imagine the police handle that kind of thing all of the time.
…is Acid. It’s the fucking truth. If you’ve been there then you know and if you don’t then its just too bad you didn’t get to rub your brain up against God’s beard like we did. I’m sure you weren’t doing anything better with your early 20’s when it would have been the best time for you to do it, too. But it’s never too late, you should go get some now. Its a lovely day after all. And it’s like my good friend A*** said, “It’s funny that they are all over at the church learning about God, when we’re over here experiencing it.”
Here is an amazing comic about LSD in the style of Jack T. Chick Publications which have scientifically* been proven as the most reasonable and effective manner to indoctrinate someone on the dangers of indulging in anything ever. What better way to teach people that they are hellbound than with a poorly drawn comic you pick up randomly off the sidewalk or haphazardly placed upon bags of dog food in grocery stores. I used to work graveyard shift at a grocery store and would find these all the time. I tried to collect them all. My favorite is still about shriners and freemasons worshipping the devil and fezzes being red because they were dipped in the flowing blood of christians.
I’ve never heard a real argument against LSD. Theres the bullshit about people jumping off of balconies because they thought they could fly. Well maybe they subconciously wanted to commit suicide anyway? Besides, nobody can prove that ever happened. There are quite a few cases that prove Alcohol to be a factor in people falling off buldings and balconies at colleges all around the country. The other thing people say is that “you’ll go crazy”, yeah maybe if you eat a whole sheet of it. As if you couldn’t die from drinking a whole bottle of Everclear.
Having a good experience is all about set and setting. If you do the proper dose and take it with knowlegable people that you love and trust with your life in a safe and comfortable environment then you’ll have one of the best, most memorable experiences of your life. You will see the true beauty of your life and the world around you, you will hear music with your entire body, you will see how meaningless the bullshit you surround yourself with really is (your job, your debts, your pointless fears). And it will be a hell of a lot more REAL than a trip to Disneyland.** Want more info? Consult the end all, be all of drug experimentation safety sites that is Erowid.org.
Have a good conversation with your cat everybody!
*science has been scientifically been proven the fastest way to hell according to Jack T. Chick.
** please don’t mix LSD with Disneyland or any other public expositions.
Perhaps the only shameful thing about this encounter is that when explaining it to people who I met I have to actually act it out. But I think my Eagle Eye was out considering I wasn’t even thinking when I asked the guy if he was in fact the lad from this commercial. But then again, who else could it be?
I don’t feel the need to perpetuate the distraction surrounding this video but it is a student film that uses all of the boring SFW plot from a 70’s “golden age” porno FILM intercut with scenes of destruction and the atrocities caused by our government in the Middle East since the 50s. The kid probably got in trouble for using the harmless innuendo laden film that just happened to be from a porno. Yes, I believe that 9/11 was an inside job and that our “leaders” are due to be held responsible for their crimes against humanity. I want to see it broadcast and public display when that happens. (Mussolini style). I restate this weekly and if you don’t like it then you can fuck right off.
Its been a Long Weekend. It’s fairly safe to say that I packed the most between 7:30 Friday when I got off work through 5am Monday morning when I went to sleep that I possibly could. I absolutely destroyed myself and feel great. Well, I felt pretty good this morning at least. Then work kicked my ass again. :sigh:
I managed to drink probably a gallon of whiskey. I’m not bragging, I’m just telling you thats whats up. I didn’t try to do so, I just went out every night. I was a little sluggish Sunday morning but no hangovers! Friday I hit the strip, I hadn’t in a while and was by no means disappointed. Rainbow, Barney’s Beanery and some sushi bar near the Viper Room (irony?) that had snake venom shots. It was this “vodka” that tasted like sake (it might’ve just been sake) and it had a whole dead snake in it. The sushi bartender had to pour it through a filter as to avoid filling the drink with scales. And the night ended well enough for me to not make it home until the following afternoon. Saturday I went to breakfast and actually got some excercise in the afternoon and topped it off with lots more drinking at On the Rox, Free drinks at another Sushi Restaurant and finally the Snake Pit. Sunday’s slow start allowed me to not get much cleaning done in my apartment and then surprise², I went out and drank. I hit up Cinespace and checked out a band that I’d seen a couple times before and have to say their show has improved quite a bit. 3 free Kentucky Breakfasts in the VIP area later and the night ended in conversations about Tony Danza and the Joe Dirt script in Greco’s Pizza. On top of that I watched Blade Runner, The Decline of Western Civilization and finished the Program design for Hastings High’s production of “Honk!” So yeah. Now I’m tired. And I’ve spared you the rigorous and juicy details. Somehow, I want to once again be paid for doing what I’ve done this weekend.
So on the job front I have to announce that an Ad that I designed will be making its way into Playboy, Rue Morgue and Fangoria next month (or the month after, I’m not sure). I said this before when I had a Sex In The City ad (not in the horror mags) that got shot down 5 minutes before I was going to upload the Mechanical. I announced it and then It didn’t happen. I counted my chickens before they hatched and the eggs were full of snakes. But this time. I don’t care. The Ad they chose was once again mine (with elements borrowed from one of the Key Art Comps) but it has the STUPIDEST quote as the headline so I’m not taking full credit. I still wrote a bit of copy in it and I’ve toiled too many hours on it so I guess now I’m kinda proud of it. Even if it looks fucking cheesy. Oh well, the movie that It’s for is cheesy, too.
To wrap this up I wanted to share with you a bit of a moral dilemma that presented itself to me at the end Zombie Jesus Day as I was arriving at Cinespace. I was crossing Hollywood Blvd at Ivar and I noticed these 3 loud cunts dropping N-bombs while 2 of the 3 were white. A second later I notice them starting to assault the man who was walking behind them. He was in his 70s. They roughed him up a bit, he pushed one in the face somewhat and they knocked off his hat and probably stole it. It was sad. I turned around to help him and looked at the hipsters in front of the club and none of them seemed to share my need to help the poor bastard. I also realized that these 3 hoodrats could probably stomp me (but not if I had another dude helping) and I was also fearful that these cunts would call the cops and say that WE assaulted them. So like an asshole I stayed out of it. As I walked into the club the door guy(6′5″ 225 lbs.) said, “Only in Hollywood, right?”. “I guess” I said, wondering why he didnt abandon his post to help (there was someone else there that could have watched the door).
So I pose this question to you. What would you do in the same situation?
Leave a comment.
AliUptown is now technically AliHumboldtPark. Doesn’t roll off the tongue quite like the former. Anywho, I’ve since moved into my new apartment, and am “borrowing” internet. My arms are too
tired to even type, so this’ll be a short one.
The movie “Humboldt Park” is finishing up production in Chicago. In case you didn’t know, everyone is in that damn movie. Freddy Rodriquez was totally in Neiman Marcus a few weeks ago, and yes, he’s quite lucky I didn’t club him and drag him back to a fitting room to have my way with his petite self. I’m still mad I didn’t catch any filming of “The Dark Knight” here this summer.
I was just picking meeting a friend at a place so we could go to another bar and boom, more Celebustalking. It was 2 weeks ago that I met Will Sasso. Debora Wilson came into my office two days later. I met Bobby Lee last friday…
…and Nicole Sullivan tonight. I still think Michael McDonald is next.
The Janitor from Scrubs was there too …but I don’t watch that show. Must not have had it on in my frat.
And it just dawned on me that I met Joan Of Arc! I admire her commitment to community service. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about then I pity you and know that someday soon you will figure it out and thank me with every fibre of your being, note that I spelled it fibre and not fiber because if you use the queens English it becomes classier and euros are worth more than dollars so that makes it a more worthy gift.) Pinky Out.
Thats kind of weird right? Last night I met Bobby Lee at the Comedy Store. I knew he would probably be there though so thats kind of cheating (but not the reason for going there). A new friend (she still has that new friend smell) introduced me to him and he either said I was pretty or handsome, i can’t remember, i tee-hee’d. A few minutes later he grabbed my man-boob and asked if that was ok. Of course it’s ok. You’re semi-famous, you’re allowed.
Ok Michael McDonald, you’re next. (not the one from the Doobie Brothers.)
Its a terrible feeling sometimes. You wake up, you look through your text messages and someone doesn’t want to be your friend anymore. You may say to yourself, “my god, what have I done?” And then you sort through your outgoing text messages. Driving isn’t the hard part of getting drunk, putting that phone away is. (BTW, Don’t Drink and Drive)
In honor of St.Patrick’s Day, Gizmodo is having its 4th annual Drunk Dialing Competition. The person who calls in with the funniest message wins $1000 in ads on their site (and if you had a site or a business that would mean something). I nominate Deejay Scharton for drunken toastmaster. One can never hear the words “Cooter” and “Vagina” too many times in a night. Usually in varied sequences.
I hear that Guinness is trying to make St.Pat’s a national holiday. Good Luck to them, the 1/4 of me that’s Irish salutes you and welcomes that day off. Actually it might be an empty gesture; my boss doesn’t give us many holidays off and probably doesn’t have much Irish in him. And it would probably be a better idea to take the day AFTER St.Pat’s off.
It’s kinda good to know that someone is trying to make a holiday of a day that has disintegrated into a another reason to get drunk and for mobs of d00dz to get girls in bars to flash their cans. Apparently Mardi Gras isn’t enough anymore. You might call me chauvinistic but if you really wanted to take away the power of the gesture then maybe we shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it when tits find their way into mainstream media. Look at Europe, they hardly notice that type of thing. Just a thought.
Here’s a question to leave you with, What’s the worst drunk dial you’ve made or recieved? Drop a comment.
Today I was working on an Ad that might make it into Playboy. If you’ll remember, this happened a month ago when I had a Sex in the City DVD Ad that was chosen by their art directors, went through revisions, approved to release, went all the way to Mechanical (which means it was prepped to deliver to the printer) and just as I was going to upload it, HBO killed it. They don’t give us a reason when they do that stuff beyond our estimation that they don’t have it in their budget to do so. Wack. So I was bummed because of course I told everyone to watch for it and counted my chickens before they were hatched and also because I would have actually been proud of the Ad. I received all of these messages saying, “Congratulations!” and all for nothing. The Ad I was working on today is up against 5 other ones and I don’t think I have a real shot. The concept is pretty good but I actually hope it doesn’t make it because tagline they gave us is a lie. Their tagline is, “It’s Juno for the horror set”. Some asshole in marketing came up with it. Its not true because the movie we are making the ad for sucks, a lot. Piece of shit. Seriously. They had us read the script before they even started filming and i nearly pissed myself being incredulous. I thought, “There’s no way a script this bad will actually get made!” But sure enough, I screened the movie yesterday and it was verbatim. Christ. So many good horror scripts out there (Hello, Ali and I struck gold with Dormstalker?) and they have to make that piece of dung.
I’m not going to tell you what the movie is or which studio is putting it out (Straight to DVD of course) because I’d probably get in trouble. But needless to say it is NOT in any way, shape or form “Juno for the Horror set”. There are no pregnant teenagers in it, there are no A-List Actors in it, It is not an Academy Award-winning script written by a former stripper in Minnesota, it will never play in an arthouse theatre, it will never play in a multi-plex, the female star is not the next big thing (she was on Growing Pains) and it will not lead to the rise in sales of orange tic tacs. If this film were reviewed on a Horror site such as DeadLantern.com, it would recieve a 3 out of 10 for looking semi-professionally done for a horror movie on DV Cam with massive points deducted for not being bloody enough nor giving the audience nearly enough of an interesting plot to suspend their bloody disbelief. (And Deejay would deduct points for not showing tits)
Gah. If they pick my design and keep ANY of that Tagline then I am going to barf on my keyboard for knowing that the first large circulation consumer Ad of mine to be released would be for a movie that bad. And so you know, the tagline from the Sex in the City Ad beat out 4 designs was all mine. It was certainly better than “It’s Juno for the Horror Set”.
The other terrible thing that happened today is that I just now finished the screener for Fred Claus. Thats right. I’m working on the DVD design for Fred Claus. I hate working on Christmas films. ESPECIALLY IN MARCH! Can’t I enjoy my Lenten season without Jesus or Santa Claus?
(Hey Ali, I think they filmed some of Fred Claus by where you work. I’m totally sneaking your apartment into the design.)
I have been going to this site Instructables.com for a little over a year now. On it you will find step-by-step instructions and videos for building, fixing, wiring, soldering, modding, and fine tuning just about anything imaginable. Want to build a robot that makes you coffee in the morning, go there and figure it out. And just recently stumbled upon WonderHowTo.com which is pretty close to the same thing but whereas Instructables is more about things you can make, wonder how to has instructional videos on absolutely ANYTHING! Of course I knew what it would lead to. The most popular instructional videos are all about sex. (But my favorite in that regard being the one about telling a hooker from a cop) But what i’ve been nutting on lately are the videos of how to swindle people. Not that I would mind you, but its good to know in case i’m ever a fugitive or destitute. It seems that most of the Con videos come from a british tv show (which means a shittier, watered down and overly funded version will be on American TV within a year). Ah, truly we have reached the information age.
Sometimes I just want to learn everything that will fit into my brain. Unfortunately I have had to displace a good deal of peoples names. So if you run into me on the street, don’t be offended if I forget your name again, Mom.
I have this joke, you might not get it, you kinda have to act it out, and its not very funny. Well here goes: “So yeah the other day I was in a bar and there was this guy and, jeez, whats that thing that Japanese people do? You know, where its like cutting your guts open? And its like really painful and shameful and they have to do it because they have no honor? Damn, whats the word… oh yeah, Karaoke! Thats it!” (Please tell me there is someone out there that thinks its funny. I can explain it to you if you need me to.)
Every so often I take the risk of trying a new bar. There are probably thousands in the L.A. area (maybe hundreds). But for some reason 4 of the last 10 bars that I’ve stumbled into have been infected with the social disease of Karaoke. If you know me then you know that I love to perform and have absolutely no shame about making a total ass of myself in front of a room full of drunken strangers. But I’ve always thought that was the kind of thing that you had to work up to until karaoke came along. Besides, I prefer to get paid for it.
I hate Karaoke. I think it killed live music in bars. My parents made their living up until I was 4 years old playing bars, lounges and supper clubs around the Midwest and Canada. They didn’t stop because of Karaoke but a lot of live bands they knew did. Cover bands can be really bad but there is no substitute for live music.
I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if people adhered to a few simple rules:
You are not __________. (insert selected artists name)
If you aren’t in on the joke, then its not funny. Its sad. Its really, really sad.
Don’t take it too seriously.
Karaoke whores are out there right now. Going from bar to bar for its karaoke night. Tuesday its at one bar. Wednesday its at the next. You could go every night! But should you? NO. Absolutely not. Some of them actually think that they are a)Really good and are making people happy and b)gonna get discovered. Sorry, no. It’s not American Idol, nobody likes you. We can take a vote if you don’t believe me.
Not a 2+ person song? Then don’t bring your friends.
Yeah, I know its totally Nadine’s last night in town but 2 people really shouldn’t be singing “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen. It has never sounded good in the history of music for 2 people to sing the same thing in 2 different keys at different rhythms while they take turns forgetting words. It sounds like shit being forced into both of my ears. That is not where shit goes. 2 people can take on a 1 person song as long as you take turns. Swap verses, share the chorus. Not for beginners or anyone who can’t split a high and low harmony.
You are singing to the crowd, not the screen. Stop staring at it!
Do you have to look at the screen? Maybe you don’t know the song very well? Maybe you shouldn’t be singing it then. You can glance at it, but don’t stare. Haven’t you given a speech or a presentation? To be fair, a lot of famous performers use prompters for their lyrics. (Rolling Stones, Motley Crue.) When you’ve written more albums than you can count it can get kinda hard to remember something you came up with at 3am 20 years ago. And they aren’t staring at it. You should really only have to see the first word in the verse, the rest should connect.
More of an observation than a rule but… Karaoke at your wedding reception?
You probably aren’t ready for a life-long commitment. I’m sorry but it won’t last …and I’m not buying you a gift.
Multiple Offenders: Know your limit.
This fatty last night sang 3 fucking times after I got to the bar; and probably 3 before I got there. Meanwhile some of our friends got the shaft for arriving later. And she sucked. I wanted to ruin her week and tell her she sucked but something stopped me. One more drink in me and they’d be pulling her down from a noose today. If the bar is empty, sure, go crazy, but if people are waiting and there’s a list? Step aside. 2 is the limit. Repeat Songs are also off limits. (This means you asshole who raped White Wedding twice last night!)
In the interest of disclosure I’ll tell you my karaoke habits. I hate karaoke but am not beyond participation. I follow this strict code of conduct (in addition to the rules listed above). I never pick my own songs. I call it Kamikaze Karaoke®. Don’t try to steal it. I came up with it all by myself so back the fuck off my trademark! Feel free to license its use at your next event. I make very few exceptions but I insist on having someone else pick a song for me. So what if I don’t know it, IT’S NOT REAL!
Last night a girl was pointing to “Don’t you want me?” by the Human League, trying to find a friend to sing it with when I decided to step in. I didn’t know her but what should that matter? We killed it as much as that song can be killed and no, I didn’t need the lyrics. The other success of last night was when my buddy Hal picked “Forgot About Dre” and started the song solo. I leapt for the spare mic and picked up the Slim Shady part. That fucking killed almost as much as Hal + Chad’s “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. (R.I.P. Patrick Swayze). See, all in fun, nobody took it seriously and we limited to 2 songs in the 2 ½ hours we were there.
In conclusion (finally), what’s the compromise that can be met between Karaoke and Live Music, you might be asking? Live Karaoke, fool. Shithook on Thursdays at Duffy’s Tavern in Lincoln, Nebraska where a very skilled live band backs up mostly local band alumni, the occasional batchelorette party and karaoke attention whores not good enough to be in bands (I’m callin’ you out “Whole Lotta Love” guy.) The night before I moved away from Lincoln I was pulled onstage by a friend to perform “Folsom Prison Blues”, but the twist was that we were singing the lyrics to The Who’s “Pinball Wizard”. It raped our minds to follow the verse of one and the melody of the other but we pulled it off and it was original. Everybody won that night.
So keep your feet on the ground and stop reaching for those stars. And if you do, reach for the closest one. (2 star limit please)
On NPR this week they interviewed Nobel Prize-winning Economist Joseph Stiglitz who wrote a book about the projected overall cost of this pointless, endless war. On the conservative side it will cost 3 trillion dollars. This is money we should be spending IN AMERICA on schools and healthcare and social security. Why do the nuts always off the people speaking out for peace? I say we off the war pigs and we can plea sanity when they take us to court. Was “avenging” the lives of 3,000 Americans worth our future? How were those people in the WTC more important than the soldiers and innocents that have died since then? (probably over a million)
First it was Will Sasso at a premiere on Monday, and i’ll give him that one, I was on his turf. But today I’m just finishing not enjoying my lunch at work when loud and very black gospel singing explodes from the conference room. Our boss had let a friend “a mover and shaker” named B.J. use our conference room to conduct a meeting of sorts. The first thing I said was, “Good Lawd there Whitney, whats goin’ on in the conference room?” And the people come out of the conference room and across the office I see a woman with Red-braided dreads down to the middle of her back and it’s Debra Wilson. I squint to be sure and she recognizes my recognition and we exchange waves. My boss was talking to her and didn’t even know who she was. Apparently she was pitching a show idea to B.J. or vice versa. I didn’t get to see her sleeves.
intr0vertZero (11:54:59 PM): in echo park it smells like tijuana, in chinatown its all fishy, is that what Bangkok smells like? Sxxxxxxxxxx (12:11:57 AM): Yes Sxxxxxxxxxx (12:12:04 AM): it’s all the vaginas Sxxxxxxxxxx (12:12:16 AM): that are for sale intr0vertZero (12:28:09 AM): like prostitutes or do they eat those too?
My favorite Post is Raisin Bran -wait! I take it back! I love Grape-Nuts. I like how deceptive they are. If they could talk (and to me they do) they would say, “I have it all figured out: I can call myself whatever the fuck I want to and it doesn’t matter. I know I kick ass, You know I kick ass. I’m simple, crunchy, and so full of fiber you can build a sod house out of tomorrows duke.” Also, they are expensive; but I think this is only to remind you that they are classy. “You want the good shit? Then you’re gonna have to pay good money for it,” they say. Except this one time I scored the huge box of Grape Nuts for like 2 bucks at Ralphs-woops, I mean Russ’. Shit, been in CA too long. Its all the same, Red Circular Logo, value card. Hmm, kinda like… Post (minus the value card). Ok I figured it out. Post/Ralph’s/Russ’s = The Illuminati / TheFreemasons / OpusDei / Scientology / Skull&Bones / GirlScouts. Conspiracy Theory solved. And it only took 100 posts. You know Russ’s is evil, just look at all of those ss’s. They speak Parseltongue there ya know.
