For those of you that enjoy “extreme relaxation”, your day has come. Serious. This is a real product on the market. That one could actually purchase.

Drank is apparently the latest “lifestyle” beverage to hit the market. Considered the anti-energy drink, it combines Valerian Root, Rose Hips, and Melatonin to “slow your roll” after a hectic day. It also promises to sharpen your attention at the same time. For reals. And it’s chock-full of sugar, much like its energy-drink counterpoints. Sensing a conflict in the product information?

 Part of the inspiration for this ridiculous beverage comes from Purple Drank, a recreational drug of choice for some, a mere cough suppressant for others. Woah, my roll has definitely slowed.

Look for this carbonated clusterfuck in liquor stores in the near future. I bet it goes great with vodka…

Awww, isn’t that precious?

(Don’t drink cough syrup.)

There is NOTHING hotter than female musicians. Actresses are pretty hot but really they are just paid liars, fakers. And they’re almost all crazy. Maybe they lack a true sense of self so its easier for them to become other people. But musicians create something far more beautiful and universal! Most of actresses beauty comes from makeup, CGI effects and the occasional prosthesis. But a musicians beauty comes from their soul. (deep, I know).

But, whilst young popstar/trainwreck-in-training Britney Spears was physically peaking at the 2000 VMA’s, her pop predecessors were aging themselves to their current perfection. So I present to you, AvantTrash’s 6 Female Musicians that have gotten Hotter with age:

Have you seen Alanis Morrisette lately? The music has still dropped south of the listenable scale but she finally found the right hair color and is more gorgeous at 34 than 21 when Jagged Little Pill came out. (And hopefully has the same theatre habits). What prompted this list is this video from Howard Stern that features the Canuck talking about Ryan Reynolds, Promiscuous Sex and a foray into Lesbianism. (random fact: In the script for Dogma. Her line as God when asked the meaning of life was supposed to be, “One Word… Plastics.” Bonus Points if you get the homage.)

About to go back on the market and 50 in August is Madonna, although totally nuts, an African baby thief, still without vocal talent and a bad imitation of a guitar player is still “one tasty piece of bitch“. Sometimes she gets too buff for her frame, sometimes she looks transparent and I can see her vaney face (they don’t get much sun in England) but I think that Yid Yoga and Kaballah Karate Stuff is doing wonders on that amazing body she’s always had. I would hit it and so would you because at the end of the day she has encyclopedias of SEX in that ever wrinkling dome of hers. But lady, you can fix your teeth. You don’t have to look like the Brits. We have orthodontic technology now and it’s not plastic surgery. Even that Alien-Raper Tom Cruise tried to fix that mouth full of 2×4’s he wraps around David Miscavages little Hubbard. (That was a gross one, even for me, I know.)

Assuming you are old enough or retro-minded enough to remember young Kylie Minogue, awkward and tiny in her “Locomotion” days; you are assuredly pleased at the gorgeous Provacatuer this 40-year-old beauty has become. Something ‘I can’t get out of my head‘ is that side-baring curtain she was sporting in her infamous 2001’s video, looking like a sexy Jedi. Since then she has put out an asstounding amount of records, toured constantly, and even beaten breast cancer. But I can’t for the life of me put my finger in on what makes her so hot?

Former schoolteacher, Jingle Writer and Bad-era Michael Jackson backup singer Sheryl Crow has also kicked breast cancer’s sorry ass recently and came out of it more physically perfect than when she went in. She’s also probably outsold everyone else on the list. I’m willing to forgive her “Soak Up the Sun” and “The First Cut is the Deepest” infringements because her new record is decent protest music and her first 3 records are fucking chronic. At 46-years-old she still sounds the way she did when she broke out with Tuesday Night Music Club in her late 20’s. This photo of her “getting back” at John Mayer is proof that physically she probably hasn’t lost much either. She’s recently adopted a son and seems to live completely on her own terms on a farm outside of Nashville. Not bad for a girl from Missouri.

Despite recent beach photos on trashy blogs that I won’t name, the other Canadian songstress (not so fast Ann Murray) Sarah McLachlan is still at the top of my crush list. Better than Chocolate (in joke). She claims that she never found her true voice or really felt comfortable with her looks until she was nearly 30 (and got that sexy short haircut). The 40-year-old queen of Lilith Fair had me “Fallin” for the video of her writhing around in a bathtub. Her lyrics floor me, She is unbelievably talented as a musician and songwriter, she dedicated a huge deal of time to social causes and world relief, Surfacing is one of the best records ever made and she looks exactly like my co-conspirator AliUptown give or take a few freckles. And apparently her music lifted Darryl “D.M.C.” McDaniels out of depression.

I was raised around country music. My parents toured the midwest playing supper clubs and honky tonks and for some reason back then they let us kids hang around alcoholics in loud, smokey bars. But during all of that time I never heard of Emmylou Harris until I was a teenager. Even now I’m not terribly familiar with her older work, mostly collaborations with Mark Knopfler and Indie’s such as Bright Eyes that seem to worship at this Silver Fox’s feet. Is she the Steve Martin type who prematurely greyed? Because It seems to work for her. I’m sure she’s had some work done or some good airbrush artists have been on her photos because at 61-years-old is still hot enough to let me put her in this list without seeming like a GILF hunter.

Judge if you will but I propose a 25-year-old MINIMUM on success for women. Maybe then our society will figure out what is really hot and not swallow the load that douchey TMZ/PEREZ/Celebtarded Gossip Magazines are trying to sell them. The country has an extreme case of agism and ideal look dismorphia and I think these chicks are the cure.

Don’t take “chicks” the wrong way. Jesus, so sensitive.

Lawsuits, lawsuits, lawsuits. You know I love ‘em. So…apparently McDonald’s has a Happy Meal toy that wears a red hat similar to Devo’s flower-pot-looking hat in the video for “Whip It”. Obviously, the fast-food chain was ‘inspired’ by the band. Some might say a little too inspired. What clinches it is the toy’s name: New Wave Nigel. Sounds cool, right? Not to bassist Gerald Casale, who informed the Australian Associated press that they are in the midst of a lawsuit. He states that the doll is a “Devo rip-off, and the red hat is exactly the red hat that I designed, and it’s copyrighted and trademarked.” Ouch.

The Happy Meal figurine is part of an “American Idol” themed set-each doll a different music genre: Disco Dave, Country Clay, Rockin’ Riley, Soulful Selma…you get the idea. The irony was not lost on Casale that a band that satirized mass culture was now being embraced by two of the biggest fixtures of the mainstream: McDonald’s and “American Idol.”

“We don’t like McDonald’s, and we don’t like ‘American Idol,’ so we’re doubly offended.”

See the offending doll for yourself:

Shit. George Carlin has passed. Comedian, Philosopher, Enemy of Censorship - This is how George Carlin should be remembered.

Piss. This morning on Indie 103.1 comedian Patton Oswalt said not to be sad for the loss of George Carlin because he would have hated people crying over his death instead of celebrating his life. I think we profane loudmouths have a lot to thank Mr.Carlin for. Carlin, Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce were perhaps the 3 most important people to ever take on the conventions of “Decency” and what is considered “Profanity”. Because of them we have freedom in media and this here internets to say whatever the Fuck we want.

Cunt.

Cocksucker. In his 5 decades of comedy he produced 23 albums, won 4 grammys and wrote 3 bestsellers. If you haven’t checked out his 14 HBO specials, I recommend you do so.

Motherfucker. He and my Dad have the same birthday…the day after mine. And for fucks sake, he was Rufus.

Tits.

“Be Excellent To Each Other… Party On Dudes.”

I knew this entire dance in middle school. The chick to Aaliyah’s right is Fatima Robinson, the choreographer. This video made me want to wear green lipstick. Man, I loved MTV then-if for no other reason than all the dancing in videos. That was ten years ago, wowza.

The song is listed as the 387th on the ‘The 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born‘. Whatever that means.

I have a sad Mac. I fucked up the screen, and it’s getting a “not covered under warranty” repair. So that’s why I’ve been sans-posting. I am expecting an email from the Republic Tigers soon, I caught them at Ribfest Chicago last weekend-review/interview/story to follow soon.

Anywho, the July 08 issue of Elle Magazine is incredible, and whilst killing time at my soul-crushing job, I stumbled across a mini-article about Ketamine.

Apparently it is now on the list of recreational drugs that shows promise as a remedy for mood disorders. With testing, it is proving to be a potential treatment for depression, more specifically, overcoming one of the greatest obstacles in treating depression: the ‘crucial lag time before medication takes effect’. That period is considered particularly high-risk for suicide. Most antidepressants can take weeks to kick in and take effect (while sometimes not working at all), while ketamine takes hours.

According to an experimental trial published in the Archives of General Psychiatry, 71% of subjects had a significant reduction in their symptoms after an infusion of ketamine. I’m interested to see any follow-up research on this theory. Apparently, those crazy club kids were on to something. I’m gonna go watch Party Monster.

…as long as they are cute and can dance.

NOW MAKE THEM DO THE “STRONGER, FASTER” DANCE!

Have you been to celebtags.com yet? It seems like a social experiment of sorts where you type in the first thing that comes to your head when you see a celebrities photo and it puts the answers into a TAG CLOUD where the most common phrases get LARGER. The largest word for Anjelina Jolie is HOT of course. The largest for Johnny Depp is COOL…naturally. But can you guess what the most common for Michael Jackson is? I said Lady but you can go figure it out for yourself…

Wootie woo! Its time for another AvantTrash contest! This time we have teamed up with Filter Magazine to bring you into the world of The Republic Tigers! Hailing from Kansas City, the Tigers emerged from the ashes of Golden Republic and have been adding steam to their buzz train with a performance last Thursday on Letterman and an upcoming tour with Nada Surf! AliUptown herself of this very blog will be catching them June 8th at Ribfest in Chicago we suggest you do the same should they meander into your areas*.

Here is your chance to pick up their lovely new album Keep Color** as well as an awesome DAKINE Messenger Bag. This isn’t Target stuff, this is fancy bag you want to throw your iPods, Obama Buttons and Moleskine SketchBooks in and strap to your bagless vegan/indie/hipster butt.

There will be 2 winners for this contest:
- First Prize gets and autographed copy of the CD Keep Color along with a Republic Tigers T-Shirt.
- Grand Prize takes a copy of Keep Color as well as the DAKINE Medic Street Series over-the-shoulder travel bag, a favorite of The Republic Tigers. It retails for $60 if that makes you want to win it even more.

So get ready to roll up your right pant leg and ride your fixie down to the Pure Luck cause here comes the CONTEST!

The last contest was easy, this contest is an education! We want you to be smart enough to put some books into your brand new bag. The Republic Tigers hail from Kansas City, close to our old neck of the woods. And knowing what Midwest pride is all about I have decided to show you 4 pieces of Kansas City Paraphernalia (spellcheck, are you sure thats how thats supposed to look?) and all YOU have to do is NAME WHAT IS PICTURED (click to enlarge) and you’ll be entered to win! Send your answers to contest@avanttrash.com and 2 winners will be drawn and quartered at random after the contests’ end at 11:59pm PST on Sunday, June 1st. Here we go:

1. SUBJECT: ARTS & HUMANITIES

2. SUBJECT: SPORTS

3. SUBJECT: CURRENT EVENTS

4. SUBJECT: HISTORY

BONUS: THE FUTURE

Good Luck and stay tuned for reviews and photos from a long Memorial Day weekend!

—–
*Your geographic areas, not your other areas.
Republic Tigers Tour Dates:
MAY
28 Mt. Pleasant, SC - Village Tavern
29 Chapel Hill, NC - Local 506 w/The Helio Sequence
30 Athens, GA - Center Stage Theatre #
31 Jacksonville, FL - Jack Rabbits #
JUNE
1 Orlando, FL - The Social #
2 Miami, FL - Studio A #
3 St. Petersburg, FL - State Theatre #
5 Nashville, TN - Mercy Lounge #
6 Memphis, TN - TBA #
7 St. Louis, MO - Bluebird #
8 Chicago, IL - Ribfest Chicago #
9 Indianapolis, IN - The Music Mill #
10 Columbus, OH - The Basement #
11 Cleveland, OH - Beachland Ballroom & Tavern #
# w/ Nada Surf

**As heard on KCRW’s Morning Becomes Eclectic, Grey’s Anatomy, Gossip Girl and wherever modern alternative rock radio knows whats good for them.

Geez yo, I haven’t posted here in forev! Not since intr0vert’s/my joint postings (and by joint I mean me throwing in my two cents while napping on the couch as he typed) during my visit to Hollywood. Speaking of, I thought maybe some of yous (anyone?) would be interested to know about my goings on in the city of angels and dirtbags.

intr0vert was an excellent tour guide and host, my experience wouldn’t have been half as enriched if he hadn’t been my guide. I must admit, when he made the trip to Chicago for my birthday, I probably wasn’t the best tour guide-I’d only been there 7 months and didn’t have my tour guide/public transportation chops up to par yet. (I’ll do better next time, I promise!)

Let me share with you a few misguided misconceptions I had about L.A.:

-You can’t smoke anywhere in L.A.

Mostly I got this idea from Sex & the City, when Carrie goes to L.A. to meet with a production company , and is prevented from smoking wherever she goes, even on the outside deck of her hotel room. (”I have an addiction sir!”) I guess I also had this impression because of the whole Hollywood health/physical appearance obsession that I read about in the news on Perez all the time. I was surprised that a few places we went to had smoking rooms, some were not even open air. Chicago is not down with that shit. You can’t even smoke in outdoor seating areas here. Anywho-doesn’t really affect me, just an observation.

-Nobody walks in L.A.

Again, another thing I’ve heard through the grapevine of pop culture media. I was assuming that since everyone drives in L.A., that nobody walks. Not so, my friends. Oh, we drove almost everywhere…but then we parked 10 blocks away. Parking in L.A. is just as bad as most parts of Chicago. Any parking you find here is either permit parking only or will cost you $50. Not a big deal, I don’t ever wanna be the girl that bitches about how far away the car is, but it did limit my cute shoe options. You see, its a delicate ratio. Typically as the cuteness of the shoe goes up, its comfort level goes down.

On a side note: I also thought that there was no worthwhile public transportation there. I met an actual human being that took a bus to work everyday. Even intr0vert was considering trying the train out as a daily commute. And my experiences on the subway were fairly pleasant. Although, I’m not sure the idea of an underground train on a fault line sits well with me. I’m just sayin.

-Everyone in L.A. is beautiful and glamorous (thanks to Fergie, I can spell that word now).

Oh, there were plenty of beautiful people there. But there were a lot of really unspecial people there, too. The air in Hollywood was thick with ego, which didn’t surprise me so much. What surprised me was that I was expecting the clothes to make the man a little more. Actually, the woman. The chicks there seemed to fall into two categories: The strapless tube dress complete with hooker shoes (do hookers call them ‘work shoes’?) and makeup applied with a paintball gun, or cutesy, hipster chicks. I’m typically the type of girl that prefers to be overdressed, rather than under dressed. And don’t get me wrong, I wear a lot of makeup. A drag queenish amount. On a daily basis.

So…famous people. I was promised by intr0vert at least three sightings. The first was only half a sighting, as it was just Jael from America’s Next Top Model a couple seasons ago. She was a hot tranny mess on Hollywood, trashy outfit, crazy pink furry hat, and I’m sure was operating on one or more psychiatric drugs. We also saw Janeane Garafalo walking in Studio City and Vincent Kartheiser (from Angel-I’m a vampire nerd, remember?) at the Magic Castle. Some others too, I can’t remember. Some dude from a teen movie bummed me a smoke. Good shit, huh?

I will have to make this a to-be-continued post. Even though it was like two weeks ago. Lots happened, and I’m sure people are riveted by my recounts of my vacation. Long story short (too late!), Hollywood did not disappoint. More soon, I promise.

Oooooh…tight. As simple as this is I think it trumps the douche-owned Han Solo Carbonite desk. It looks awesome (very well crafted), can be used as very much needed storage for NESessories (i just made that up) and perhaps best of all, IT IS A FUNCTIONAL CONTROLLER! Snap!

Ok I got one more. It holds all of your NESessities. (hire me)

via Unplggd

I’m totally sickened that I’m even writing about this. Then again, I am pretty sick. And quite frankly, after the VaginaCam post, I needed a bit of fluff. Oooh, Miley Cyrus and her jailbait-y goodness! Her poor parents, they seem to be rivaling the Lohans in the “selling out our kids at the risk of their dignity/sanity for a buck” contest. Actually, I don’t think said picture is really worth all the controversy.

Now, the risque ones she took of her and her friends that have been popping up on the internet left and right-those are naughty. In all fairness, what 15 year old girl didn’t take naughty pics with her friends? (or was that just me?) But then again, I wasn’t Disney’s cash cow at the time.

Many people in the public eye felt the need to weigh in on the situation-Bill O’Reilly, Ellen, the ladies from The View…I didn’t give a shit until Stephen Colbert said his piece on it. Oh Stephen Colbert, never again will you win a gem of a role like the closeted history teacher on Strangers With Candy. I miss that show. Best after-school special ever. Anywhoo, this pretty much sums up how I feel about it:

The cliffsnote’s version of Colbert’s viewpoint: Who gives a shit? Am I right? I guess it’s a little hypocritical that I am writing about it, a fault of mine, I admit it. But the poor girl, being a teenager is hard enough without the media scrutinizing every move you make, innocent or otherwise. Oh wait, she’s worth a billion dollars, therefore I am physically unable to have sympathy for her.

Oh yeah, here you go, sickos. You know you want to.

Ah, youth.

Technology, man. It must be the future. Here’s a nintendo shunk down to the size of a NES cartridge. Click the image for the google translation. Those crazy French-Japanese.

via [Unplggd]

Take 7 minutes out of your day and watch this adorable shit.

There’s no pride in the world like watching your 4-year old drop in like a big boy. That’s it-my kids are gonna have a guitar in one hand and a skateboard in the other. Straight outta the womb. Screw that. They can use my uterus as a half pipe.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what kind of parent I might be. Kinda weird, but my brother Jason just had his 4th, and my brother T.C. is about to have his 1st, so yeah, it’s on my mind a little more than usual. But that’s all, I have no clock ticking in my head or my fallopian tubes or anything. For a long time, I didn’t think I wanted kids. Now I think I only do in that vain “I wanna see a little version of myself running around someday” type of way.

I myself was kinda force-fed a lot of extracurricular activities starting in grade school. It could be pretty awful at times, but I also think I’m kinda better off for it. So I don’t know what kind of parent I’d be. Mine did a pretty good job, but then again, they had like 8 chances to practice getting it right before they got around to me. I’m actually pretty lucky that I have my parents to use as an example, a lot of people I know have at least one parent who are an example of how NOT to parent.

So here’s what I want in life:

-I want people to have to complete and pass an IQ test before being allowed to breed. (That kid is BACK on the escalator!)

-I want to be the ‘cool mom’, the one that all the neighborhood kids like and treat more like a friend than a parent, the one that some of the other parents are maybe a little freaked out by.

-I don’t, don’t DON’T wanna fuck my kid up.

My kids are screwed.

Here’s an 18 minute documentary about “The Amen Sample” from The Winston’s “Amen, Brother/Color Him Father” 45. Amazing how far you can stretch 6 seconds of a nearly 40-year-old drum breakdown.

It’s gonna knock my dick in the dirt.

Only in this video is Hillary able to fuck Obama, here in the real world, its the other way around. Just the thought of 2 bitter rivals going at it is pretty hot though, right? All of that anger and tension from over a year of arguing, debating, lying and ass-kissing wiped clean in a few quick thrusts. (Thats how I roll) Maybe it would inspire other enemies to put down their guns and turn out the lights. Why be fighting when we could be fucking? I think we need to get Israel and Palestine together with an empty warehouse full of Ecstasy. It should all fall into place after that.

I thought this was just a case of hypersensitivity when I first heard about this. But after seeing these pictures side by side, I think the jig might be up.

Thoughts?

Perhaps the only shameful thing about this encounter is that when explaining it to people who I met I have to actually act it out. But I think my Eagle Eye was out considering I wasn’t even thinking when I asked the guy if he was in fact the lad from this commercial. But then again, who else could it be?

Thanks to Shannon for posting this on her myspace. I feel the need to use my bully pulpit to redistribute this video to anyone who will watch it.

Kid Does His War on Terror School Project using Porn (Clean) from Arman Noory on Vimeo.

I don’t feel the need to perpetuate the distraction surrounding this video but it is a student film that uses all of the boring SFW plot from a 70’s “golden age” porno FILM intercut with scenes of destruction and the atrocities caused by our government in the Middle East since the 50s. The kid probably got in trouble for using the harmless innuendo laden film that just happened to be from a porno. Yes, I believe that 9/11 was an inside job and that our “leaders” are due to be held responsible for their crimes against humanity. I want to see it broadcast and public display when that happens. (Mussolini style). I restate this weekly and if you don’t like it then you can fuck right off.