For those of you that enjoy “extreme relaxation”, your day has come. Serious. This is a real product on the market. That one could actually purchase.

Drank is apparently the latest “lifestyle” beverage to hit the market. Considered the anti-energy drink, it combines Valerian Root, Rose Hips, and Melatonin to “slow your roll” after a hectic day. It also promises to sharpen your attention at the same time. For reals. And it’s chock-full of sugar, much like its energy-drink counterpoints. Sensing a conflict in the product information?

 Part of the inspiration for this ridiculous beverage comes from Purple Drank, a recreational drug of choice for some, a mere cough suppressant for others. Woah, my roll has definitely slowed.

Look for this carbonated clusterfuck in liquor stores in the near future. I bet it goes great with vodka…

Awww, isn’t that precious?

(Don’t drink cough syrup.)

Lawsuits, lawsuits, lawsuits. You know I love ‘em. So…apparently McDonald’s has a Happy Meal toy that wears a red hat similar to Devo’s flower-pot-looking hat in the video for “Whip It”. Obviously, the fast-food chain was ‘inspired’ by the band. Some might say a little too inspired. What clinches it is the toy’s name: New Wave Nigel. Sounds cool, right? Not to bassist Gerald Casale, who informed the Australian Associated press that they are in the midst of a lawsuit. He states that the doll is a “Devo rip-off, and the red hat is exactly the red hat that I designed, and it’s copyrighted and trademarked.” Ouch.

The Happy Meal figurine is part of an “American Idol” themed set-each doll a different music genre: Disco Dave, Country Clay, Rockin’ Riley, Soulful Selma…you get the idea. The irony was not lost on Casale that a band that satirized mass culture was now being embraced by two of the biggest fixtures of the mainstream: McDonald’s and “American Idol.”

“We don’t like McDonald’s, and we don’t like ‘American Idol,’ so we’re doubly offended.”

See the offending doll for yourself:

So my roommate and I ventured off to the Northwest Side (represent) to eat us some ribs and watch us some bands. The Republic Tigers were the first band of the day, and most people were still wandering into the area, the grills were just starting to fire up, good smells and good sounds were soon to follow. Of course, the second the music started, the sky opened up, and Heaven had a good cry. Sprinkles soon turned to tsunami rainfall within minutes. We sought shelter under the tarp where the makeshift sound booth was, while others stood in the pouring rain, their umbrellas making a laughable attempt to keep them dry. See the wetness?

Considering all the PA speakers were covered in blue tarps, and the weather was on the verge of apocalyptic, the sound quality was impressive. The band themselves rocked on, every now and then edging further and further away from the stage front to avoid the inevitable flooding. After about 15 minutes, it was deemed a lost cause and unfortunately, that was the end of the show.

They definitely have an indie-rock flair, but there’s something delicate amidst the rock. There’s a nice contrast between the soft acoustic sounds, and almost 80s-ish keyboard sounds, and that’s what made them so appealing. They definitely kept the attention of the crowd, which was everyone and anyone. They did come down and take time to meet everyone afterwards, very personable (and attractive) dudes.

I managed to stay mostly dry and have a good time. Although I can’t say much for the ribs (or the 6 dollar funnel cake), the band was definitely worth the trip. I wish they could have finished their set, or better yet, had a later time slot, and therefore a much bigger audience to impress.

*sidenote: In the picture, the two girls in the orange Republic Tigers t-shirts couldn’t have been older than 14, and absolutely gushed over the guys. It was sickeningly adorable. One of them flew into Chicago from Tallahassee to see them, after stumbling across them on XM radio a month prior. Now that’s a fan.

Here’s a quick email interview I did with the Republic Tigers before the show, questions answered by Kenn Jankowski, lead vocals/keys/guitar guy:

Avanttrash: Tell me about your influences in music.

Kenn Jankowski: We have many individual influences. But collectively, I’d say we all really love most of the “headphone” bands, like the Flaming Lips and Blonde Redhead. It’s not enough for bands to have beautiful recordings though. We mainly enjoy the ones that have obvious threads of classical influence within the chord flow and melody.

AT: What is the Kansas City music scene like? How does it differ from what you’ve seen in other cities while touring?

KJ: Massively supportive. If you don’t like our band, but you explain to me what kind of music you do like, I can introduce you to a Kansas City band that meets your demands. I see trends within cities, when we travel - it usually seems like 80% of any given city’s music all sounds similar. Where as, Kansas City has Ssion, In The Pines, Namelessnumberheadman, Deep Thinkers, The Rich Boys, Roman Numerals, Ghosty, Ad Astra Per Aspera, Be/Non, Olympic Size, Paper Cities, Beautiful Bodies, Vedera, Bacon Shoe, and American Catastrophe just to name a few.

AT: How does being from the Midwest influence your sound?

KJ: Occasional twangy pronunciation. That’s about it.

AT: Any old bands? What do you bring from those past experiences to Republic Tigers?

KJ: He who smelt it, dealt it.

AT: What’s next after Ribfest?

KJ: Finishing out the tour with Nada Surf - Indianapolis, Columbus, and Cleveland. Then we go home for a few weeks and play a benefit show in KC on June 28th at Crosstown Station. West coast touring after that. Not really sure beyond.

Moral of the story: Good guys, good music, catch them if they come to your area. Pray for sunshine.

I’m going to call this a Weekly Trashing even though I’m not really complaining about anything. I just haven’t done one in a while. But I have something to bitch about anyway, just hold on.

I bought a nice TV recently. I’ve never owned anything besides a shitty tube TV ever. I didnt even own a television for the first year I lived here in L.A. I figured, “Why get one when I can watch everything online?” But then I got my SNES and NES sent out here (Zelda ain’t gonna save herself ya know). Be Jealous, when was the last time you played Starfox anyway? I picked it up the other day and killed the shit in 20 minutes. How  is it I can I remember where every power up is on a game I played 15 years ago but can’t remember simple things at work sometimes? *shakes fist at sky*

So part of my magical new TV in its autoprogramming glory found all of these MAGICAL digital channels. My remote has a decimal point on it! What else has been hiding from my periphery? It’s like when you find out that everyone you know orders a slice of cheese on their apple pie! Sounds crazy but its true and its as if the whole world is in on the conspiracy.

So you know I’m not totally hopeless, I’d heard of digital radio before; I just didn’t know about all of these magic channels. Some of them seem kinda JV. If only this opened TV up to Pump Up The Volume style pirate stations! But alas, we’re totally in a police state. Authorities have no heart for creativity. They want to teach you to be resourceful but once you figure out their little system they put you away. Specific example: some kids in Ontario, CA got busted recently for hacking into their schools computer system and changing their grades (WarGames?). Dude, if you’re smart enough to break your school’s security then that should be your pass from high school. What worldly knowledge to you need to know beyond that?

IT guys are loaded. Teachers make shit.

I haven’t done a food post in a while. So after seeing Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s in the far away land of Echo Park tonight (Thanks for the ride back Shawn, Ollie and Brad) I made it back to Hollywood to catch a rare acoustic performance by The Used. And after a drinking a couple PBR’s at a nearby party to forget that last event I stopped by a hotdog purveyor just north of cherokee (or some shit) to be sure to try every shitty hot dog vendor in Hollywood. I tried arab Jay’s Hot Dog tonight and they don’t even come close to the little latino ladies’ wieners. And it took forever! So now you know. Or just go to Pink’s. At 3am its not that long of a line as the bar rush will have died down.

Or just drink a glass of water and go the fuck to bed like you probably should.

3 Reviews, Photos and a Contest coming in the next couple days.

Geez yo, I haven’t posted here in forev! Not since intr0vert’s/my joint postings (and by joint I mean me throwing in my two cents while napping on the couch as he typed) during my visit to Hollywood. Speaking of, I thought maybe some of yous (anyone?) would be interested to know about my goings on in the city of angels and dirtbags.

intr0vert was an excellent tour guide and host, my experience wouldn’t have been half as enriched if he hadn’t been my guide. I must admit, when he made the trip to Chicago for my birthday, I probably wasn’t the best tour guide-I’d only been there 7 months and didn’t have my tour guide/public transportation chops up to par yet. (I’ll do better next time, I promise!)

Let me share with you a few misguided misconceptions I had about L.A.:

-You can’t smoke anywhere in L.A.

Mostly I got this idea from Sex & the City, when Carrie goes to L.A. to meet with a production company , and is prevented from smoking wherever she goes, even on the outside deck of her hotel room. (”I have an addiction sir!”) I guess I also had this impression because of the whole Hollywood health/physical appearance obsession that I read about in the news on Perez all the time. I was surprised that a few places we went to had smoking rooms, some were not even open air. Chicago is not down with that shit. You can’t even smoke in outdoor seating areas here. Anywho-doesn’t really affect me, just an observation.

-Nobody walks in L.A.

Again, another thing I’ve heard through the grapevine of pop culture media. I was assuming that since everyone drives in L.A., that nobody walks. Not so, my friends. Oh, we drove almost everywhere…but then we parked 10 blocks away. Parking in L.A. is just as bad as most parts of Chicago. Any parking you find here is either permit parking only or will cost you $50. Not a big deal, I don’t ever wanna be the girl that bitches about how far away the car is, but it did limit my cute shoe options. You see, its a delicate ratio. Typically as the cuteness of the shoe goes up, its comfort level goes down.

On a side note: I also thought that there was no worthwhile public transportation there. I met an actual human being that took a bus to work everyday. Even intr0vert was considering trying the train out as a daily commute. And my experiences on the subway were fairly pleasant. Although, I’m not sure the idea of an underground train on a fault line sits well with me. I’m just sayin.

-Everyone in L.A. is beautiful and glamorous (thanks to Fergie, I can spell that word now).

Oh, there were plenty of beautiful people there. But there were a lot of really unspecial people there, too. The air in Hollywood was thick with ego, which didn’t surprise me so much. What surprised me was that I was expecting the clothes to make the man a little more. Actually, the woman. The chicks there seemed to fall into two categories: The strapless tube dress complete with hooker shoes (do hookers call them ‘work shoes’?) and makeup applied with a paintball gun, or cutesy, hipster chicks. I’m typically the type of girl that prefers to be overdressed, rather than under dressed. And don’t get me wrong, I wear a lot of makeup. A drag queenish amount. On a daily basis.

So…famous people. I was promised by intr0vert at least three sightings. The first was only half a sighting, as it was just Jael from America’s Next Top Model a couple seasons ago. She was a hot tranny mess on Hollywood, trashy outfit, crazy pink furry hat, and I’m sure was operating on one or more psychiatric drugs. We also saw Janeane Garafalo walking in Studio City and Vincent Kartheiser (from Angel-I’m a vampire nerd, remember?) at the Magic Castle. Some others too, I can’t remember. Some dude from a teen movie bummed me a smoke. Good shit, huh?

I will have to make this a to-be-continued post. Even though it was like two weeks ago. Lots happened, and I’m sure people are riveted by my recounts of my vacation. Long story short (too late!), Hollywood did not disappoint. More soon, I promise.

AliUptown is in town from Chicago this weekend! I’m trying to give her the optimum L.A. experience. She’s having nappy time already, i tuckered her out. Last night we went to Beauty Bar (you’re so great, why are you dying?), Boardner’s (the bar side, not goth night) and finally Tiny’s (where 10 cops walked in and arrested 2 HUGE bikers from the “Mongols” MC. After they passed by I turned to AliUptown and said, “So 10 cops walk into a bar…” and the girl next to me was cool enough to say, “…right!?” and dish the High-5. It was a moment.

So far today we walked by Hollywood & Highland to see the costume freaks and Grauman’s to get our coffee (i live 2 blocks away), we went up Beachwood Cyn by the Hollywood sign, cruised half of Melrose (i finally got a haircut), and had lunch at the Village Idiot. Now its rest time because we are going to CBS in Studio City to check out the taping of the PILOT episode of “David’s Situation” by Mr.Show geniuses Bob Odenkirk and David Cross. Not sure what the plan is for later tonight; maybe Los Feliz, maybe the Strip. I think we’ll hit the beach tomorrow and Silverlake tomorrow night.

Anyone have any suggestions?

It’s coming soon. I can feel it. I’ve noticed more and more that I’m no longer fucking broke. I have debt, sure, but I’m starting to turn into an adult that can go out and buy shit to better my surroundings. I’ve asked myself “what home furnishings and home accessories should I buy?” And god has answered my prayers with one gentle word: KNIVES!!!

God started small by saying, “Hey, how about you have some knives in the kitchen… and how about they be going through a little guy?” That’s when I asked God if he’d ever considered seeing a therapist. To which God replied, “Thats not covered by my health insurance.” “What is?” I responded. And we both chuckled. Then the almighty said unto me, “You know what? I was just fucking around about the little guy with the knives through him idea. Maybe we should just stab a bunch of knives into the wall and hang our coats on them?” To which I replied, “God, I love you.” And God curled up into my lap and started purring (cause he’s really a cat).

Then just because he likes being the guy who names things before people can invent them so he can claim that he had the idea first, God went kinda crazy and just started naming off shit around the house that could be made of knives, (Guy holding a Knife Outline Shadow Shower Curtain*, Knife 3-panel folding Room Divider, Knife Christmas Wreath, Knives for legs Coffee Table, Knife Mirror [drew up about 4 of these], Knife Bookshelf…) I kinda lost interest because it was Wednesday and South Park was on. Then it ended up not being a very good episode cause it kinda feels like the middle of the season so I watched an old one and it was a little better. Then there was a bunch of honking and bad driving outside because there was a show at the Hollywood Bowl a couple blocks away. I found out all of those bad, rude, loud drivers went to see Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige. There are too many J’s in the world. Then God told me about the Earthquake in April of 2009 and I said, “Wait, that hasn’t happened yet!” and he said, “Oh yeah, well nevermind, don’t worry about it, forget I said anything” And my attention span is short, so I did.

*I unfortunately found out this exists but compared to what I had in my head is WAAAAY poorly designed so I’m not even going to link it. and JUST SO YOU KNOW, I did sketches of about everything I mentioned and almost all of which can actually be made with a few quick welds and screws.

If Erotic Falconry didn’t get you sweaty enough. Here is some Erotic Dentistry. So sexy it eliminates 99.9% of the germs that cause the gum disease gingivitis. I’m totally switching back to Aquafresh.

via Animal New York

My favorite Post is Raisin Bran -wait! I take it back! I love Grape-Nuts. I like how deceptive they are. If they could talk (and to me they do) they would say, “I have it all figured out: I can call myself whatever the fuck I want to and it doesn’t matter. I know I kick ass, You know I kick ass. I’m simple, crunchy, and so full of fiber you can build a sod house out of tomorrows duke.” Also, they are expensive; but I think this is only to remind you that they are classy. “You want the good shit? Then you’re gonna have to pay good money for it,” they say. Except this one time I scored the huge box of Grape Nuts for like 2 bucks at Ralphs-woops, I mean Russ’. Shit, been in CA too long. Its all the same, Red Circular Logo, value card. Hmm, kinda like… Post (minus the value card). Ok I figured it out. Post/Ralph’s/Russ’s = The Illuminati / TheFreemasons / OpusDei / Scientology / Skull&Bones / GirlScouts. Conspiracy Theory solved. And it only took 100 posts. You know Russ’s is evil, just look at all of those ss’s. They speak Parseltongue there ya know.

That 2 dollar box of grape nuts lasted me through 3 gallons of milk and for the spring of 2006, I was a force to be reckoned with. Thanks to Grape-nuts. Why the hyphen? “Thats right, I’ve got a hyphen, jealous? what the fuck are you going to do about it?!”

Maybe Grape-Nuts is actually a last name? Like when families of distinction marry and want to carry on both names, cause like I said… classy. Unlike the Corn Crackos (sounds like Grand Island). They’ve got an addiction. The box even says, “Free Sample”. Because the first time is always free, kiddies.

If you come visit me in Chicago, I’ll probably feel obligated to take you for some classic deep-dish Chicago style pizza. But if you care about me at all, you’ll let me skip over the typical touristy crap, and take you straight to Kuma’s. The name may be Japanese, but this place is straight up American comfort food. Actually, the word ‘Kuma’ means ‘bear’ in Japan, which is where the spot’s namesake (the restaurant owner’s 8 year-old Akita) originated.

Kuma’s Corner is a dark, cozy, cave-like place, with an atmosphere that made a freak like me feel right at home the minute I first walked in. There where paintings of half-naked women with top hats and whips, the Blues Brothers movie was playing on the flat screens, and of course, heavy metal music was booming over the speakers.

Oh yeah, did I mention, every burger (giant, 1/2 pound monsters that would make a vegetarian tremble and weep at the sight of them) is named after a heavy metal band? That’s right, you can have an Iron Maiden, a Judas Priest, or even a Goblin Cock (if you dare). My first time, I had the Black Sabbath-blackening spice, chili, pepper jack, and red onion on a pretzel bread bun. It was a veritable meat party in my mouth (interpret that however you wish). ‘Multiple orgasms of the mouth’, I believe was my comment to my roommate. I didn’t even want to wash my hands when I got home, they smelled so heavenly. We’ve made a vow to never get the same thing twice, until we can check them all off the list.

This place is definitely packed on the weekends, or after any local metal or punk show in the area, but it is always worth the wait. In the summer, they have outdoor seating, and if you get bored waiting for a table (which I doubt is possible), chill at the bar and order a drink (I recommend the Mother Puncher or the Angel of Death).

Long story short, if you happen to be in Chicago, do yourself a favor and forget about Gino’s or Giordano’s. Get on a Belmont bus and hit up Kuma’s. And bring me with. It’ll knock your dick in the dirt.