Earlier this summer, McG challenged Michael Bay to a Dick-Off contest to settle once and for all the question of which of the two lousy directors was compensating the least. McG was out of the gate first and single handedly destroyed the Terminator franchise. That’s a good start for McG’s chances. Unfortunately, Michael Bay came along with the eye fuck known as Terminator…er…Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

First, everything you’ve heard about this film doesn’t even begin to explain how fucking awful it actually is. Yes, you will see multiple shots of dogs humping each other. Because I guess that’s “funny”. Yes, you’ll then see a Transformer hump Megan Fox’s leg because that’s even funnier! It makes total sense because the same Transformer calls her “hot” earlier in the movie. I guess Megan Fox is supposed to be so attractive that even robots get off on seeing her. Yep, two Transformers (Skids and Mudflaps) not only speak in ebonics, but have large ears. One even has a gold front tooth and they like to fist bump after they call somebody a “pussy”. Sam Witwicky’s mother eats a pot brownie and decides to jump on people and act out of her mind. Exactly what pot does, I’m told. Sam goes to Transformer heaven for about 10 seconds and Megatron still looks like a total retard. All of that nonsense is in the film and it’s all even worse than what you’ve heard. But that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface.

Only a director as retarded as Michael Bay would think it’s a good idea to make a movie about toys two and a half fucking hours long. This has got to be the most boring action film I’ve ever seen. Getting anally raped with a bowling pin wrapped in rusty barbed wire is probably more pleasurable than sitting through Revenge of the Fallen. This movie is about 5 hours too long. The script is Ed Woodian in its total and complete ineptness. There is no logic to anything that happens in this film. For example, during the first half hour when Sam is, pointlessly, wandering around college, he meets up with this hot chick who wants to get on him. Turns out, the girl is a Terminat….er, Transformer. Yeah, that’s right. The Decepticons can apparently disguise themselves as hot college chicks and then shoot giant metal tongues to kill their prey. How this is even possible and why there was even a Decepticon there in the first place is never explained. If Decepticons can disguise themselves as humans like Terminators, then why are they even fucking around in the first place? Oh, that’s right. Because Michael Bay is a fucktard who enjoys filming CG tentacles coming out of a tight ass.

If you like Autobots, this ain’t the movie for you because they have about 8 seconds of screen time. Skids and Mudflap are always around for uncomfortable racial one-liners. BumbleBee shows up every now and then for even more terribly unfunny comedic relief (how many more fucking times is Michael Bay going to show BumbleBee shooting some liquid out of an orifice?) and to, of course, shoot some Decepticon right before it whacks Sam. Optimus Prime is the only Autobot that gets major face time, and even then he spends most of the movie out of commission. The other Autobots from the first movie only really appear in the background. Optimus Prime explains during narration at the beginning of the film that the Autobots now work with an elite U.S. military strike team to take out the remaining Decepticons. Of course, the human soldiers NEVER do anything. You can’t fucking kill Starscream with a goddamn machine gun, yet there they are in the films final act, holding off a dozen Decepticons in the middle of the fucking desert (way to recycle the same locations from the first film, Bay) basically on their own so that Megan Fox’s push up bra can make her titties bounce around in slow motion. There is not a single Autobot that gets any development whatsoever in this film, but Bay sure feels the need to drop Sam’s annoying as fuck parents into the middle of the battlefield at the end of the movie? Why? Because he’s a fucking terrible director, that’s why.

Not even Bay’s action sequences are decent. First off, because there are so many goddamn Transformers all over the place, you have no clue as to what you’re actually watching. It’s just quick cuts of robots punching each other. Who they are doesn’t matter. It’s just there to be there. Even shakier is the “plot” that centers on some retarded looking Transformer called “The Fallen”. Apparently, he was a Prime and they all visited earth thousands of years ago and built a giant sun destroyer to harvest Energon. He tried to use it to kill all life on Earth, so what did the other Prime’s do? They defeated him (though, of course, didn’t kill him) and decided to all commit suicide to hide a key that powers the sun destroyer which just so happens to be hidden inside the Great Pyramid of Giza. Apparently, archaeologists on Earth were too stupid to find the gigantic fucking laser machine hidden in the middle of it. The Fallen, who is apparently a Sith Lord with Megatron as his apprentice, feels the need to destroy Earth out of spite, I guess. Why The Fallen has taken so long to initiate this plan isn’t explained. Just like Michael Bay has never explained why Megatron looks like a fucking douchebag. Soundwave fans will be happy to know that he’s been hanging out in space violating the holes of satellites to get information. And people that hate Barack Obama will be pleased to know that he is on the side of the Decepticons. You see, when the Decepticons attack, Obama’s reaction is to send a government official to tell Optimus Prime and the Autobots to get off earth so that the government can use diplomacy. Obama’s image is used in the film as The Fallen interrupts a speech to warn earthlings that they’ll all be destroyed unless Sam Witwicky turns himself in. For his part, Shia LaDouche spends his time arguing with Megan Fox over who should say “I love you” first and running away from Decepticons. John Turturro shows up yet again to reveal that he has a giant secret basement in the freezer of his mom’s meat shop that is filled to the brim with papers and Decepticon parts that he somehow stole from the military without them noticing. The stupidity of every scene defies description. I mean, you have to suspend disbelief quite a bit when dealing with a movie about giant robots from outer space, but Revenge of the Fallen just goes so far beyond credulity that it literally looks and feels like the filmmakers didn’t care a bit about making an actual movie but rather just wanted to show lots of CG robots and Megan Fox’s tits.

I could keep going with the trashing of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. This is, literally, the worst big budget genre movie I’ve ever seen. This is below Van Helsing level. It’s a total insult to the intelligence of viewers and doesn’t even succeed on a popcorn-action level. There is nothing in this movie that will make you go “Oh wow, that was pretty cool”. Even the sound design is crap. In many scenes you’ll find yourself seeing more things happening on screen than there are sounds to accommodate them. Sure, most of the Transformer CGI looks great, but that’s what I expect out of movie that costs 500 trillion dollars to make. Even the cartoons had better depth, character development, and story lines than Bay’s latest masturbatory ass dump (oh how cute, Shia LaDouche is writing alien symbols on a Bad Boys II movie poster..you’re so fucking clever, Michael Bay. I’m in awe). Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is one of those base line benchmark movies to judge another human being on. Anybody who tells me they like this movie and that it is good is somebody that has no credibility with life let alone cinema. A blight on cinema is the tamest statement that can be made about this clusterfuck.

Fuck Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

And fuck Michael Bay.

p.s. Where the fuck is Barricade?

Tags: fuck michael bay, mcg michael bay, megan fox, megatron, Michael Bay, michael bay sucks, optimus prime, soundwave, starscream, the fallen, transformers 2, transformers revenge of the fallen, transformers sucks

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 12:10 pm and is filed under Entertainment, Hollywood, Movies, Pop culture, Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.