Weekly Trashing: Jetlagged.
6am flights, Ick. LAX, Double Ick. I didn’t go to sleep last night because the airport shuttle came at 3:30am and the flight that I was going to get a good power nap in there just happened to be 2 goddamned screaming kids. One was named Carson and the other Cadence, I overheard their names being announced to no less than 5 other passengers and both flight attendants, and I had headphones on. What’s with all of the “C” names anyway? A few years ago it was all -ayden names (Hayden, Jayden, Thayden-WTF?) While I’m in the Seinfeld spirit, what’s with all of this procreation? What the fuck have you done that you think you should make more of you!? Cured any diseases lately? Made any lasting artworks? I’m speaking directly to you, boring L.L. Bean and Husker hat wearing couple with your parent jeans. If it was summer I bet you’d be wearing Crocs. Does the world really need more insurance salesmen? Sterilization for all. Children of Men wasn’t a warning, it was a utopia, no kids watching Dora the Explorer at FULL VOLUME to stay distracted. (And yes, MaT, I realize they ripped it off.)
I feel as if the owners of the animals they brought onboard owe me and everyone else within the 4 seat blast zone of their childs screams and germs at least 30-50 bucks for the inconvenience or AT LEAST a general apology. I take that back. Calling them animals is wrong. I would have much preferred to be sat next to a yipping dog. They’ll do less damage to the world and at least you can pet them. I wanted to tell that fucking kid to shut the fuck up so bad. What is the etiquette for this kind of shit? Don’t they have soundproof helmets yet? I saw them on Get Smart and that was the 60′s.
One time I had to give up my window seat to a couple who needed to put a carseat on the plane for some fucking reason (what’s wrong with laps?). So the kid had to be next to the window otherwise we couldn’t have gotten around it to use the restroom or anything. So I gave up my seat, made no stink. And the universe rewarded me with the husband giving me 20 bucks and saying, “Thank you so much, let me buy you lunch in Phoenix.” Thank you very much. Etiquette.
He recognized how much his responsibility had put me out and I didn’t bitch, moan, grumble or even roll my eyes. From now on, that is the test of whether or not you should be allowed to have a child or to take it in public.
So my night in Omaha was a bust. I could have been seeing a show and partying it up with my friends. Alas, not so much. I hung out with friends during the day, rented a car I’m barely using and took a nap at peak drinking hours. And worst of all, bar time is 1am here. I realize it’s only an hour sooner than L.A. but I lost 2 hours with the time change. And when you don’t start drinking until 10 or 11, 2 hours is not enough time to relax and enjoy some adult beverages. And after today a cheap drink is what I very much needed.
But it’s ok. I’m an optomistic guy. It’s already a white Christmas here in Nebraska. Hopefully my tiny rental car will make it to Lincoln. I saw quite a few casualties on the road last night. I think I drive way more cautiously on the snow and ice after living in L.A. But I also realize that on regular dry roads I drive A LOT faster and more aggressively than 95% of Nebraska drivers.
Why did I watch Elf on my first flight? I should have gotten some sleep. Curse you Zooey Deschanel for being the go-to quirky love interest! Oh well, time to reconnect with my preferred hometown of Lincoln.
Wear a condom, people!
Tags: Christmas, Drinking, Elf, Jetlag, Sterilization, Travel, Zooey Deschanel
