I’d like to see you choke yourself out. Just hold your throat until it goes dark. There are a few of your co-workers standing around, they’ll catch you. Then I’ll buy this car.
I drove all the way out to Santa Monica today to check out Volkswagens. Apparently there is a limit on their appreciation of BRAND LOYALTY. Because my car is a 1995 Jetta, it doesn’t qualify and they weren’t going to hook me up with the discount. Does that make me any less loyal than someone who bought a 2001? I think not.
I really want to buy a new car but I can’t see paying $250 a month for 4 years ON A LEASE as worth it. I drove some cars that I really liked, but they would be $400 a month (It’s not to be, my sweet GTI). So, no new car for me …yet. I don’t so much have a problem with the money as I have a problem with driving the same car for 4 years when it’s not the one I wanted. I almost bought a black 4 door Rabbit, but I decided to wait a bit.
I knew today wasn’t the day (even though i’ve got some bank) so I totally fucked with the dealers just to see how low they would go and observe how they fight for a deal. What started out as a conversation about a $300/mo payment went all the way down to $200 on my way out the door. It was vicious. And I’m ballsy enough that I might walk in 3 months later (when they are trying to unload the 08’s) and ask for the same. Every little thing you tell a dealer, they use. I was wearing a Go-Go’s shirt so they tried to sell me Rock and Roll. Just to try to escape I told them that my industry is fickle and we could all be out of a job soon and they tried to tell me that, “You can’t go through life living in fear.” True that, VW.
So actually in the middle of the deal one of the other salesman (who was pretty honest for a dealer) told me that in a couple months they will be trying to get rid of the 08 stock and they’ll get cheap again. So i’ll just have to wait for that. But they put up these sucker deals to attract customers ($199/mo, no money down, blah blah blah) and then they try to squeeze an extra hundred out of you per month. It might not seem shady but when you figure thats $1200 more a year (equivalent to 10 student loan payments or just over 1 months rent) then you really have to ask of their integrity. Why can’t they just say, “This is how much this car is, its the cheapest we can do it. You want it?” I know the answer, it’s because of Chumps. I wasn’t going to be one of them, not today at least.
But I still need a better car. I’ll be the chump when my 95 86’s itself on the 101. Oh well, they weren’t going to give me much for it anyway.
Before I went to college, I worked at a Ford dealership and met some shady, fucked up salesmen. They looked down on the people who service the cars and thought they were so great because they sold them. You know what, dude, the cars could sell themselves. You’re just paid to fuck the buyers out of a little extra monies. Because of that I approach all of them with my knife out. Better safe than sorry when you deal with people who make their living off the monthly struggle of others.
But it sure would be nice to roll around in something in L.A. that doesn’t occasionally st-st-stutter.
My hometown of Grand Island, Nebraska was known for years (and still is I believe) as a METH CAPITOL. For shame? Fuck No! I take it as a point of pride! Let me tell you what, buddy, for a town of 50,000 it’s good to be known for anything at all. Being the birthplace of Henry Fonda and the site of the “Night of the Twisters” just wasn’t keeping us going, it took the phenomena of blue collar workers, bored teenagers, and plenty of empty space to make us the absolute best place to make, sell, and distribute Crystal Meth. If it sounds like an advertisement, it is! My hometown was awesome! I wish that I could live there now… but still live in L.A. of course. Not because of the Meth but because it’s so fucking fun to watch!
My hometown is what I would call a very small pond. And in this pond there are many, many odd fishes. Kinda like when they build new unmanned submarines that can dive to parts of the ocean that have never been seen by man and there are all of those fish that have glowing lights and strange tentacles and bug eyes… same thing. Sometimes I wish I could go there to disconnect ya know? Just do like 2 designs a month just to pay my 300 bucks a month rent (FOR A HOUSE) and drink $1.75 Miller High Life at a dive bar. The only problem, almost all of the eligible females moved away and went to college never to return.
But it would also be great to live there because there is so much that you could do FOR a place like that. When I was growing up we had NOTHING to do. Seriously. We used to have to put on DIY concerts there because there was no place to play music. We had a venue for a while but the city closed it down (the alley was the restroom) and also the rent money was used for, wait for it… that’s right, METH!
When I lived there, I always told my friends, “Wouldn’t it be weird to be proud of where you came from?” and it was true. I hated the place, it did nothing for me or ANY of its youth and I ran away as soon as I could. But a couple years ago I realized that I was proud of where I came from because it was such a shithole. It motivated me to get out and see as much of the world as I could. Until I got trapped here (damnit). But I still have a sense of pride in knowing that I wanted to get out and do something with my life, and I think I did. I just bought my airline tickets for my 10-year high school reunion in July and I can’t wait to go back.
My favorite Post is Raisin Bran -wait! I take it back! I love Grape-Nuts. I like how deceptive they are. If they could talk (and to me they do) they would say, “I have it all figured out: I can call myself whatever the fuck I want to and it doesn’t matter. I know I kick ass, You know I kick ass. I’m simple, crunchy, and so full of fiber you can build a sod house out of tomorrows duke.” Also, they are expensive; but I think this is only to remind you that they are classy. “You want the good shit? Then you’re gonna have to pay good money for it,” they say. Except this one time I scored the huge box of Grape Nuts for like 2 bucks at Ralphs-woops, I mean Russ’. Shit, been in CA too long. Its all the same, Red Circular Logo, value card. Hmm, kinda like… Post (minus the value card). Ok I figured it out. Post/Ralph’s/Russ’s = The Illuminati / TheFreemasons / OpusDei / Scientology / Skull&Bones / GirlScouts. Conspiracy Theory solved. And it only took 100 posts. You know Russ’s is evil, just look at all of those ss’s. They speak Parseltongue there ya know.
That 2 dollar box of grape nuts lasted me through 3 gallons of milk and for the spring of 2006, I was a force to be reckoned with. Thanks to Grape-nuts. Why the hyphen? “Thats right, I’ve got a hyphen, jealous? what the fuck are you going to do about it?!”
Maybe Grape-Nuts is actually a last name? Like when families of distinction marry and want to carry on both names, cause like I said… classy. Unlike the Corn Crackos (sounds like Grand Island). They’ve got an addiction. The box even says, “Free Sample”. Because the first time is always free, kiddies.
Congrats to Jay-Z. Way to barely step up to the marriage thing. Barely claiming to be in a relationship? Yeah, I’ve been there. I can understand if you want to keep it private because it isn’t anyones business but your own. I dig. But dude, you’re 11 years older than your girlfriend. She makes as much, if not more than you. She has dumps like a truck and is the least trashy hooch you will ever find. Suck it up buddy, you’re almost 40 and she’s almost talented. You can tell us if you’re together. It’s ok, we already know.
So yeah this is kind of a bullshit post (the 99th bullshit post yall!). I’m just gonna start venting cause I’ve been looking really hard at my situation lately and things seem really great but at the same time I’m feeling completely strangled. This kind of thing is really dangerous to say considering anyone could read this (like co-workers and bosses) but oh well. I’m not dropping names.
I know we’ve been slacking on the posts. Mostly my fault. I blame general busy-ness and malaise after a criminally way too long day at work. After I get done I just don’t want to do anything. Seriously, am i a fucking immigrant here? I work 9am-8pm regularly. Past that even. Sure sometimes i wander in closer to 9:30 am but so what. I deserve that extra snooze mashing. I figured it out and that 55 hours a week (+/- 5 or so) is only paying me $9.30 an hour after taxes! I have a college degree goddamnit! I have great fucking ideas! I can write clever copylines like a motherfucker! My concepts are fucking tight!
And because I live in Hollywood half of my income goes to Rent. I know, that’s my fault. Its like buying cable when you aren’t at home to use it. I don’t even get to see all the fun things going on around here because I am working too hard to afford it. I figured it out and I’m losing. The whole winning vs. losing thing I mean. And I figured out that I’m really losing my self-esteem. I’m learning a lot doing this work but its just so fucking thankless. Its like the whole time I’m there it’s over my head that I SHOULD BE DOING MORE; or that THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO COULD DO YOUR JOB AND YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE IT. But sometimes like today when I’m cutting elf bodies apart to make DVD sleeves for Fred Claus and frankenstein-ing a cover together I have to stop for a second and just stare at a few pixels on the screen and think that the arm of the little person in Fred Claus is probably doing better than I am.
The other thing I worked on this week was a Gay ad. No really, it was an ad for a gay soap opera that might or might not go in a gay magazine. Actually it will go in like a half-dozen if they choose mine (1-in-3 chance). And a lot of my crap has been getting chosen at work lately. And when I brag about that kind of thing people ask me, “Do you get paid more if your work sells a lot?” Um, no… it doesn’t work that way. -or- “If they pick your thing do you get some kind of bonus?” Well no, sometimes its kind of a group effort or sometimes they don’t pick my stuff. But i’ve been keeping an unofficial total lately and i’m at about 60-80%. Which is a very good average for this kind of thing. So… I’m losing.
I was fucking around on April Fool’s when I said it was time for a change but sometimes I don’t know how much I was joking about that. If this is how everyone’s career works in Graphic Design, then maybe I don’t want to do Graphic Design. I have friends at other studios now who have better pay, more perks, slightly better hours and are in nicer parts of town (closer to where I live at least). But I know my situation could be A LOT worse. I know people who drive 2 hours a day to get to and from work. I can usually get to work in 10 minutes. Which is amazing. And it could be worse if I would have taken the first job I interviewed for at Liquid Generation where I wouldnt even be making what I do now. (and strangely my job would be doing what i kinda do with this blog).
Despite what I am grateful for, I REFUSE to spend the best years of my life in an office. Is that where inspiration comes from? Are all of my talents being utilized? Is my creativity being rewarded? No, unfortunately not.
I’ve almost been at my job a year. I’m not getting paid much more than when I started and I can honestly say that my hours have on a regular basis kept me from having/making/spending time with friends (what few friends I’ve had time to make here). I’ve missed too many gorgeous sunny southern California days to meet ridiculous deadlines so studios can turn enough of a profit screwing us creatives in the ass to afford to pay over-stroked egos like Tom Cruise multi-million dollar salaries to make shitty uncreative films.
So yeah, I’m stuck. Last night there was an Earthquake in my dream. Maybe that means that the Axe is going to fall and everything I enjoy about life is going to break down. Well maybe in the long run it will be for the better. Or maybe money will start pouring from the San Andreas Fault by way of a life-changing opportunity. This is still the land of dreams right?
BTW, stop having kids, stop sending them to Los Angeles. We’re full, go somewhere else. You’ve got nothing to contribute. We have enough actors, thank you.
Now if you’ll excuse me there is a bum fight going on somewhere behind my apartment. I have to go to the balcony and watch. Might as well get my money’s worth in this neighborhood.
How can you tell if you are in a cult? Your womens dress like this:
I bet their cult leader always has a white suit on and carries around a Lamb. Thats what I would do if I were a cult leader. And in my country 16 is the legal age for everything… but you have to take classes and earn merit badges before you are allowed to do any of it. Because I’m a Progressive Pragmatist.
As long as we are on the subject, Waco was a mass murder, not a mass suicide. Not because Bill Hicks says so (but thats probably good enough for me). But I’ve seen other videos and a full documentary broadcast on HBO that shows videos of the ATF filling the compound with tear gas that was supposed to force the cult members out (which it didn’t). The compound was then filled with another gas that when mixed with tear gas turned into a flammable nerve gas. Tanks ripped holes in the buildings, infra-red cameras indicated the tanks fired into the house (possibly more tear gas) and the whole fucking place burned to the ground. Massacre, not suicide. Even if its only half true, it’s still murder.
And sure I don’t believe everything just because it’s in a “documentary”. But I totally believe HBO, they know cults. By the way, you are all now on the Government watch list.
I’m gonna sit at the welcome table, gonna sit at the welcome table one of these days…
Here’s an 18 minute documentary about “The Amen Sample” from The Winston’s “Amen, Brother/Color Him Father” 45. Amazing how far you can stretch 6 seconds of a nearly 40-year-old drum breakdown.
Be sure to cut this one’s head off. Because if 2-gun Chuck ever comes back from the grave he’ll be armed; and that would make a very dangerous zombie.
I’ve seen websites eulogizing the 84-year-old actor as a beacon of “liberty” but I think thats pretty fucked up. I’m all for us as a society having guns, but there are fucking limits. Most Republicans SHOULDN’T have the right to own guns, they aren’t going to use them if their government needs to be taken down anyway. And isn’t that the reason its in the Bill of Rights anyway? These NRA psychos are the assholes who put the current government into power. Thanks a lot Charlton Heston. douche. I’m going to start the Guns for Liberals™ program. Our motto, “The Left To Bear Arms”. Fuck I’m Clever.
So he was a good actor up until 30 years ago, its sad that we can’t remember that because him being a soulless looney gun homo has overshadowed any achievement in film… except in Bowling For Columbine. Oh sweet nectar, if you haven’t seen this movie then go out now and rent it, download it, borrow it from a liberal friend because it is amazing portrait of our gun crazed society and American hypocrisies in general. At the end Charlton Heston is confronted by Michael Moore with a photo of a kid that died in direct result of the gun-douchery that Heston promotes. There is no answer for what you say in that situation so old Moses-balls gets up and walks away. Good thing he was too stupid to know who Michael Moore was. He was probably just happy that someone was talking to him.
I know I’ve been quite the useless author these days, but between working, moving/unpacking/building Ikea furniture and being sick, this is all I got. But it made me giggle, so here you go.
It’s been a while since I freed the beast and I’ve been asked whats up a few times lately so here is a drop on some new shizzle thats been buzzing in my ear&brain lately.
Word from SXSW this year is that ex-Test Icicle contributor’s Devonte Hynes project Lightspeed Champion is set to explode. This kid is talented and right in line with all of that sloppy britindie (i’m sure this word has been used before but i havent heard it so i’m claiming it in the name of the queen.) coming out lately. He is also uber-linked to Omaha-Saddle Creek which instantly wins points in my book. (Unless you are only on the label because your brother is talented.)
By boy Brady introduced me to his friends in The Devil’s Orchestra sometime in the middle of last year. I caught a couple shows and some rehearsals and recently I saw them at Cinespace here in the ‘hood and the audience response was kinda nuts. Beyond blaming Cocaine which is a distinct possibility I think these kids are something for the metal motherfuckers to check out. It’s a little bit Rush, a little bit of the Sword/Dragonforce thing and some of that Dog Fashion Disco random circus/jazz breakdown thing. All 3 band members are pretty killer players. Warning: Instrumental.
I tried to buy She & Him tickets this week but April 29th @ the Vista in Los Feliz show was already sold out. Thankfully they booked a 2nd date. She & Him consists of 1 parts Zooey Deschanel on Vocals and some piano and 1 part My Morning Jacket slinger M.Ward on guitars and arrangements. Zooey’s voice is adorable and holds up pretty well but at times pushes a little too heavily on the Billie Holliday sound. I won’t hold it against her because the songs are pretty good in comparison to Rilo Kiley’s most recent effort. The album is a bit schizophrenic much as Coconaut Records was but M.Ward totally gives this record the cred and sophistication it needed. I caught M.Ward last year opening for Bright Eyes at the Hollywood Bowl and was floored. His show the blew old farts Yo La Tengo back to the grunge revivalist carpool they belong in. Besides, Is there anything hotter than a blue-eyed brunette?
Ok maybe one thing hotter, Kate Micucci. She is a one woman Renaissance festival. Very creative, maybe…too creative. As in, so creative it would make the world jealous to listen to all that she can do (Art, Music, Acting, Being Nice). I saw and met her in a Barbeque Joint in Chinatown during a no-audience stand up show. Besides the performers there were 2 people there, who eventually left when they finished their meal. So i guess for a little while the employees and I were the whole audience. But SHE WAS AMAZING! She played ukulele and with her diminutive yet powerful voice she sang these adorable, and funny, yet deep and endearing songs. Wait, I mentioned she played Ukulele right? Write this name down.
Priscilla Ahn: clean, pure like irish spring. I caught her show last year at a benefit for a private school for overly believed in children and she was great. She layered her sound with the aid of a Boss loop station (a la KT Tunstall) and was so lovely. She has since been signed, made an album, and will be destroying America’s hearts with the Hotel Cafe tour. I will drop another Hotel Cafe name and tell you about Jim Bianco. This guy is like Tom Waits for the DMB/Jack Johnson set. but dont mishear me, he is really like neither of them, he is the kind of music that you need to hand a copy of to fans of mom-rock to steer them over to more dangerous sounds. I saw him at the Hotel Cafe with Butch Walker, Cary Brothers and Pink guest and he blew everyone away, for real. His music will molest your ears. Butch is still beyond amazing and has a new project called 1969.
So now you have a ton of shit to download and get your spring started right. And I have to go to bed because I’ve been getting to work 15 minutes late everyday for the last 3 months and everyday try to not do so. *sigh* Futility.
Only in this video is Hillary able to fuck Obama, here in the real world, its the other way around. Just the thought of 2 bitter rivals going at it is pretty hot though, right? All of that anger and tension from over a year of arguing, debating, lying and ass-kissing wiped clean in a few quick thrusts. (Thats how I roll) Maybe it would inspire other enemies to put down their guns and turn out the lights. Why be fighting when we could be fucking? I think we need to get Israel and Palestine together with an empty warehouse full of Ecstasy. It should all fall into place after that.
I’d previously posted this guy’s “Real Mario” image. Well he’s not done creeping-us-the-fuck-out. Click the gif and behold a full size and fully “Tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya“-esque rendering of Homer J. Simpson.
To fill a bit of space in this post I would just like to say that I’ve been going to SouthParkStudios.com all week and watching old episodes that I have missed in the absence of cable and this show is still a consistent source of insight and offensive, disgusting humor. Watching this show without *bleeps* is changing my life for the better. Aside from the commercials it seems that all is right with the universe.
Except this guy is probably going to make all the South Park kids real next and ruin that too. Jerk.
I’d heard about it before but it took a co-worker to show me this creepy shit. After playing around with it for the better part of 10 minutes it was concluded that with enough activity she should hurl. (thats right I used the term hurl, it’s a Wayne’s World reference, wanna deal with it?) I think she should have a prehensile tongue that comes out and eats your cursor froggie-style.
To me, this is an anti-marijuana ad just waiting to happen. “Don’t do drugs kids, or you’ll be reduced to THIS!”
I’m not quitting my job, I’d almost never move back to Nebraska unless I had a ton of money that I could escape anytime I please, and it would be nearly impossible at this juncture to do freelance on a fulltime basis.
And I probably wouldn’t kill a Wal-Mart patron… the Walton family on the other hand…
Priscilla Ahn
