Here are some rejected Star Wars products from the dawn of Episode 1 way back in 1998. Its a wonder that some of these didn’t make it into production because they are fucking brilliance! I personally would take the Death Star grill and Han Solo in carbonite mini fridge combo. Once again you have been one-upped, douchebag from Casting Crowns.

via Core77

Thats kind of weird right? Last night I met Bobby Lee at the Comedy Store. I knew he would probably be there though so thats kind of cheating (but not the reason for going there). A new friend (she still has that new friend smell) introduced me to him and he either said I was pretty or handsome, i can’t remember, i tee-hee’d. A few minutes later he grabbed my man-boob and asked if that was ok. Of course it’s ok. You’re semi-famous, you’re allowed.

Ok Michael McDonald, you’re next. (not the one from the Doobie Brothers.)

Its a terrible feeling sometimes. You wake up, you look through your text messages and someone doesn’t want to be your friend anymore. You may say to yourself, “my god, what have I done?” And then you sort through your outgoing text messages. Driving isn’t the hard part of getting drunk, putting that phone away is. (BTW, Don’t Drink and Drive)

In honor of St.Patrick’s Day, Gizmodo is having its 4th annual Drunk Dialing Competition. The person who calls in with the funniest message wins $1000 in ads on their site (and if you had a site or a business that would mean something). I nominate Deejay Scharton for drunken toastmaster. One can never hear the words “Cooter” and “Vagina” too many times in a night. Usually in varied sequences.

I hear that Guinness is trying to make St.Pat’s a national holiday. Good Luck to them, the 1/4 of me that’s Irish salutes you and welcomes that day off. Actually it might be an empty gesture; my boss doesn’t give us many holidays  off and probably doesn’t have much Irish in him. And it would probably be a better idea to take the day AFTER St.Pat’s off.

It’s kinda good to know that someone is trying to make a holiday of a day that has disintegrated into a another reason to get drunk and for mobs of d00dz to get girls in bars to flash their cans. Apparently Mardi Gras isn’t enough anymore. You might call me chauvinistic but if you really wanted to take away the power of the gesture then maybe we shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it when tits find their way into mainstream media. Look at Europe, they hardly notice that type of thing. Just a thought.

Here’s a question to leave you with, What’s the worst drunk dial you’ve made or recieved? Drop a comment.

He’Brew beer. I drink it on Fridays.

I made that one up. And its reason enough that I only took 1 math class in College(unless you count beginning Computer Science). There is a Flickr collection of flowcharts, Venn Diagrams, Bar Graphs and Pie charts of the narratives from rock songs. Some of them are quite amazing. Some of them made me notice that am in not in touch with much of modern hip-hop. It also reminded me how many math classes I spent drawing band names on my notebooks.

Today I was working on an Ad that might make it into Playboy. If you’ll remember, this happened a month ago when I had a Sex in the City DVD Ad that was chosen by their art directors, went through revisions, approved to release, went all the way to Mechanical (which means it was prepped to deliver to the printer) and just as I was going to upload it, HBO killed it. They don’t give us a reason when they do that stuff beyond our estimation that they don’t have it in their budget to do so. Wack.  So I was bummed because of course I told everyone to watch for it and counted my chickens before they were hatched and also because I would have actually been proud of the Ad. I received all of these messages saying, “Congratulations!” and all for nothing. The Ad I was working on today is up against 5 other ones and I don’t think I have a real shot. The concept is pretty good but I actually hope it doesn’t make it because tagline they gave us is a lie. Their tagline is, “It’s Juno for the horror set”. Some asshole in marketing came up with it. Its not true because the movie we are making the ad for sucks, a lot. Piece of shit. Seriously. They had us read the script before they even started filming and i nearly pissed myself being incredulous. I thought, “There’s no way a script this bad will actually get made!” But sure enough, I screened the movie yesterday and it was verbatim. Christ. So many good horror scripts out there (Hello, Ali and I struck gold with Dormstalker?) and they have to make that piece of dung.

I’m not going to tell you what the movie is or which studio is putting it out (Straight to DVD of course) because I’d probably get in trouble. But needless to say it is NOT in any way, shape or form “Juno for the Horror set”. There are no pregnant teenagers in it, there are no A-List Actors in it, It is not an Academy Award-winning script written by a former stripper in Minnesota, it will never play in an arthouse theatre, it will never play in a multi-plex, the female star is not the next big thing (she was on Growing Pains) and it will not lead to the rise in sales of orange tic tacs. If this film were reviewed on a Horror site such as DeadLantern.com, it would recieve a 3 out of 10 for looking semi-professionally done for a horror movie on DV Cam with massive points deducted for not being bloody enough nor giving the audience nearly enough of an interesting plot to suspend their bloody disbelief. (And Deejay would deduct points for not showing tits)

Gah. If they pick my design and keep ANY of that Tagline then I am going to barf on my keyboard for knowing that the first large circulation consumer Ad of mine to be released would be for a movie that bad. And so you know, the tagline from the Sex in the City Ad beat out 4 designs was all mine. It was certainly better than “It’s Juno for the Horror Set”.

The other terrible thing that happened today is that I just now finished the screener for Fred Claus. Thats right. I’m working on the DVD design for Fred Claus. I hate working on Christmas films. ESPECIALLY IN MARCH! Can’t I enjoy my Lenten season without Jesus or Santa Claus?

(Hey Ali, I think they filmed some of Fred Claus by where you work. I’m totally sneaking your apartment into the design.)

Ok I feel better now. Merry Christmas everyone.

I have been going to this site Instructables.com for a little over a year now. On it you will find step-by-step instructions and videos for building, fixing, wiring, soldering, modding, and fine tuning just about anything imaginable. Want to build a robot that makes you coffee in the morning, go there and figure it out. And just recently stumbled upon WonderHowTo.com which is pretty close to the same thing but whereas Instructables is more about things you can make, wonder how to has instructional videos on absolutely ANYTHING! Of course I knew what it would lead to. The most popular instructional videos are all about sex. (But my favorite in that regard being the one about telling a hooker from a cop) But what i’ve been nutting on lately are the videos of how to swindle people. Not that I would mind you, but its good to know in case i’m ever a fugitive or destitute. It seems that most of the Con videos come from a british tv show (which means a shittier, watered down and overly funded version will be on American TV within a year). Ah, truly we have reached the information age.

Sometimes I just want to learn everything that will fit into my brain. Unfortunately I have had to displace a good deal of peoples names. So if you run into me on the street, don’t be offended if I forget your name again, Mom.

“Hey Vader, How are things? I’ve been good, a bounty here, some rebel surveillance there. I’ve been pretty busy lately so I decided to treat myself. I bought this great desk from a chubby Mediterranean stereotype at the Crate&Blaster on Tattooine. It’s really nice. Mostly carbonite. It has sort of a cloud city vibe. Oh yeah and it holds the frozen body of Han Solo, which I think really says, “this guy is the bounty hunter for you”, ya know what I mean? Well I’ve got a couple clones running around the office that I said I’d take to Ice Cream so I’d better wrap this up. Good luck with that kid of yours, yikes! Rebel Alliance, huh? Damn Hippies. Next thing you know he’ll be voting for Nader! Well you take care, buddy. I’ll see you at the company picnic!
-Bob”

I found this tasty thing on The Stylephile. The HAN SOLO IN CARBONITE DESK is almost on par with the Kiss Coffin for overly-obsessive memorabilia. It was made for some douchelicious god-twat from the band (barf) Casting Crowns. It mentioned they are Grammy-Winning but really if its for Christian Rock thats like winning the gold medal in curling. Nobody gives a shit. (See, you don’t even know what curling is.) Its good to see he isn’t using that money to help the poor or anything.

My Christian Rock band is called Soulgasm. Our latest release “Come On, Jesus!” is out now in Chapel Bookstores Everywhere. But back to this sweet desk! There are a few areas where it could be sweeter, like if the slab looked more like the movie for example. I’m assuming the Harrison Ford relief sculpture is the hard part of the design but that thing looks like they took apart a bunch of Jeeps from the Korean War. And the glass looks way too high to be functional.  Sweet concept though. The Carbonite room/Empire battle scene inspired legs are rockin’. It might be even better if it looked like it was levitating.

I’m leaving you with the quote from the site I snagged this link from– Han Solo: “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.”

I have this joke, you might not get it, you kinda have to act it out, and its not very funny. Well here goes: “So yeah the other day I was in a bar and there was this guy and, jeez, whats that thing that Japanese people do? You know, where its like cutting your guts open? And its like really painful and shameful and they have to do it because they have no honor? Damn, whats the word… oh yeah, Karaoke! Thats it!” (Please tell me there is someone out there that thinks its funny. I can explain it to you if you need me to.)

Every so often I take the risk of trying a new bar. There are probably thousands in the L.A. area (maybe hundreds). But for some reason 4 of the last 10 bars that I’ve stumbled into have been infected with the social disease of Karaoke. If you know me then you know that I love to perform and have absolutely no shame about making a total ass of myself in front of a room full of drunken strangers. But I’ve always thought that was the kind of thing that you had to work up to until karaoke came along. Besides, I prefer to get paid for it.

I hate Karaoke. I think it killed live music in bars. My parents made their living up until I was 4 years old playing bars, lounges and supper clubs around the Midwest and Canada. They didn’t stop because of Karaoke but a lot of live bands they knew did. Cover bands can be really bad but there is no substitute for live music.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if people adhered to a few simple rules:

1. You are not __________. (insert selected artists name)
   If you aren’t in on the joke, then its not funny. Its sad. Its really, really sad.
2. Don’t take it too seriously.
   Karaoke whores are out there right now. Going from bar to bar for its karaoke night. Tuesday its at one bar. Wednesday its at the next. You could go every night! But should you? NO. Absolutely not. Some of them actually think that they are a)Really good and are making people happy and b)gonna get discovered. Sorry, no. It’s not American Idol, nobody likes you. We can take a vote if you don’t believe me.
3. Not a 2+ person song? Then don’t bring your friends.
   Yeah, I know its totally Nadine’s last night in town but 2 people really shouldn’t be singing “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen. It has never sounded good in the history of music for 2 people to sing the same thing in 2 different keys at different rhythms while they take turns forgetting words. It sounds like shit being forced into both of my ears. That is not where shit goes. 2 people can take on a 1 person song as long as you take turns. Swap verses, share the chorus. Not for beginners or anyone who can’t split a high and low harmony.
4. You are singing to the crowd, not the screen. Stop staring at it!
   Do you have to look at the screen? Maybe you don’t know the song very well? Maybe you shouldn’t be singing it then. You can glance at it, but don’t stare. Haven’t you given a speech or a presentation? To be fair, a lot of famous performers use prompters for their lyrics. (Rolling Stones, Motley Crue.) When you’ve written more albums than you can count it can get kinda hard to remember something you came up with at 3am 20 years ago. And they aren’t staring at it. You should really only have to see the first word in the verse, the rest should connect.
5. More of an observation than a rule but… Karaoke at your wedding reception?
   You probably aren’t ready for a life-long commitment. I’m sorry but it won’t last …and I’m not buying you a gift.
6. Multiple Offenders: Know your limit.
   This fatty last night sang 3 fucking times after I got to the bar; and probably 3 before I got there. Meanwhile some of our friends got the shaft for arriving later. And she sucked. I wanted to ruin her week and tell her she sucked but something stopped me. One more drink in me and they’d be pulling her down from a noose today. If the bar is empty, sure, go crazy, but if people are waiting and there’s a list? Step aside. 2 is the limit. Repeat Songs are also off limits. (This means you asshole who raped White Wedding twice last night!)

In the interest of disclosure I’ll tell you my karaoke habits. I hate karaoke but am not beyond participation. I follow this strict code of conduct (in addition to the rules listed above). I never pick my own songs. I call it Kamikaze Karaoke®. Don’t try to steal it. I came up with it all by myself so back the fuck off my trademark! Feel free to license its use at your next event. I make very few exceptions but I insist on having someone else pick a song for me. So what if I don’t know it, IT’S NOT REAL!

Last night a girl was pointing to “Don’t you want me?” by the Human League, trying to find a friend to sing it with when I decided to step in. I didn’t know her but what should that matter? We killed it as much as that song can be killed and no, I didn’t need the lyrics. The other success of last night was when my buddy Hal picked “Forgot About Dre” and started the song solo. I leapt for the spare mic and picked up the Slim Shady part. That fucking killed almost as much as Hal + Chad’s “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. (R.I.P. Patrick Swayze). See, all in fun, nobody took it seriously and we limited to 2 songs in the 2 ½ hours we were there.

In conclusion (finally), what’s the compromise that can be met between Karaoke and Live Music, you might be asking? Live Karaoke, fool. Shithook on Thursdays at Duffy’s Tavern in Lincoln, Nebraska where a very skilled live band backs up mostly local band alumni, the occasional batchelorette party and karaoke attention whores not good enough to be in bands (I’m callin’ you out “Whole Lotta Love” guy.) The night before I moved away from Lincoln I was pulled onstage by a friend to perform “Folsom Prison Blues”, but the twist was that we were singing the lyrics to The Who’s “Pinball Wizard”. It raped our minds to follow the verse of one and the melody of the other but we pulled it off and it was original. Everybody won that night.

So keep your feet on the ground and stop reaching for those stars. And if you do, reach for the closest one. (2 star limit please)

I think my acid is kickin’ in. This vid is from last year but whatevs. You probably haven’t seen it.

Warning! I think this video is pretty stupid and not all that funny. However, i chuckled a couple times and its FULL of Harry Potter references. So try to enjoy.

via Moma.org: Bees have a sense of smell fine enough that they can detect some Cancers and states of fertility and ovulation. Does this sound as impossible to you as it does to me? Well as part of a modern art exhibition —you know what, I think it’s witchcraft. I’ll just copy the text from the website:

Precise Object, from the BEE’S project: New Organs of Perception. Prototype. 2007

Susana Soares (Portuguese, b. 1977)
Design Interactions Department (est. 1989), Royal College of Art (UK, est. 1837)

Soares has conceived a series of alternative diagnosis tools that use trained bees to perform health checkups, detect diseases, and monitor fertility cycles. “Bees have a phenomenal odor perception,” explains Soares. “They can be trained to target a specific odor.” The Face Object has two chambers. Bees that detect certain odors in the breath—some of them even connected to forms of cancer—will go into the smaller chamber if they sense them. The Fertility Cycle Object has three chambers: The largest corresponds to the ovulation period, the second to preovulation, and the third to postovulation. The bees will fly into the relevant chamber. The Precise Object has an outer curved tube that prevents bees from flying accidentally into the interior diagnosis chamber, making for a more precise result.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Walgreens and pick up a bee chamber.

I was/am/will always be a fucking nerd. I’ve gotten Weird Al’s autograph
…twice*.

And I also <3 Palindromes and Bob Dylan. Therefore, this video is awesome. (Pushes up glasses)

*1985 and 1997

On NPR this week they interviewed Nobel Prize-winning Economist Joseph Stiglitz who wrote a book about the projected overall cost of this pointless, endless war. On the conservative side it will cost 3 trillion dollars. This is money we should be spending IN AMERICA on schools and healthcare and social security. Why do the nuts always off the people speaking out for peace? I say we off the war pigs and we can plea sanity when they take us to court. Was “avenging” the lives of 3,000 Americans worth our future? How were those people in the WTC more important than the soldiers and innocents that have died since then? (probably over a million)

via Core77 via Swissmiss (</war> merch available)

First it was Will Sasso at a premiere on Monday, and i’ll give him that one, I was on his turf. But today I’m just finishing not enjoying my lunch at work when loud and very black gospel singing explodes from the conference room. Our boss had let a friend “a mover and shaker” named B.J. use our conference room to conduct a meeting of sorts. The first thing I said was, “Good Lawd there Whitney, whats goin’ on in the conference room?” And the people come out of the conference room and across the office I see a woman with Red-braided dreads down to the middle of her back and it’s Debra Wilson. I squint to be sure and she recognizes my recognition and we exchange waves. My boss was talking to her and didn’t even know who she was. Apparently she was pitching a show idea to B.J. or vice versa. I didn’t get to see her sleeves.

Best Whitney Ever. “Bobbay!”

I heard about this spread earlier this week and stubled across the pictures via PopBytes.

Remember when we had to make due with unnatractive female comedians? Well score one point for dangerously out-of-control overpopulation. We get our funny where we get our sexy now. I figured I should use this opportunity to plug 30 Rock so they don’t cancel it. Right now it’s the only show on Network TV that I watch (online of course) because it’s funnier and smarter than anything else out there.

I don’t want to say anything bad about female comedians because a lot of these ladies are really talented and probably making all of the hopelessly deluded would-be startlets very jealous here in L.A. (good, go back to the fucking farms, its too crowded here as it is and you won’t go out with me) So I won’t join in on the backlash. Besides, its way past my bedtime. So I’ll leave you to these pictures and you can just replay old episodes of Strangers With Candy in your head while you stare at Amy Sedaris full as a tick. Or maybe you’re thinking about other things… sick bastard.

According to a less than credible UK paper, Daniel Radcliffe’s life could be in great peril. (Dobby warned him that he must not go back to Hogwarts!) He is currently filming Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and is under heavy protection from ex-SAS (thats limey speak for Navy Seal) Guards. They have been swapping vehicles to throw off Death Eaters any would be assailants. As far as I’ve read, there is just one dude after him; I bet it’s Voldemort! Ok maybe its not he-who-must-not-be-named but rather he-who-must-have-too-much-free-time.

His alleged stalker is just one guy in his 20’s (I guess that means that I’m a suspect). It is also reported that Radcliffe has asked for protection for his dogs. Fuck that, who is watching out for Hedwig? Anyone who is familiar with Harry Potter should know that this kind of cloak-and-dagger can only help his performance of the final Potter Book. Oh man, it makes me creamy thinking about the shit coming up. If you don’t know then I feel as sorry for you as pathetic Lost fans must feel for me. Something lights up in my chest when I see new trailers for this stuff and the music comes up at the end. It’s probably magic. If you haven’t read the books yet then here is your last chance to kill the things before the last 2 movies come out. Trust me when I say that you will be swallowed whole by the story and that this literary fever may not happen again for some time. Unless you have some sort of jesus-boner for that Narnia bullshit. In which case I disown you as a friend human. Messianic lions and Santa Claus bringing you weapons? What the fuck are you thinking!? Magical British Wizard childrens is way better. Duh. The Harry Potter books actually make the movies better when you know whats going to happen and what to look forward to (or what you dread seeing happen to characters you’ve become attached to). Its the kind of two-way experience from reading that doesn’t happen very often so you should probably get out and enjoy it now. Also you’ll have something to talk to strangers about in airports.

I leave you now with an AMAZING plot synopsis of Harry Potter for beginners (firsties).

-intr0vert, Gryffindor House

Sorry celebutards, but it seems that flashing your snatch is now both passe and avoidable. Thanks to Shibue Couture, there is a product that prevents not only your beev from catching cold, but also flashing your vag to the paps.

It’s like a sexy merkin.

But Ali, how do they work?” you may be wondering. I would hope the pictures are self-explanatory (okay, now I’m blushing). The panties go from your…triangle(?) to the top of your crack without wrapping around your hips. A side note to confused guys-where this differs from ordinary thongs is that on any girl with some meat on her bones, the straps unavoidably cut into one’s hips, resulting in pantylines under anything fitted. And I thought normal g-strings were torture devices.

Each cootch cover comes with a liner and spare adhesives (so you can have coverage and get a bikini wax at the same time!). The adhesives mold to your special place (ow), thus making these gems reusable. Just remove the sticky stuff (the tape, people, the tape), rinse the fabric with mild soap and water (you still with me?), put on new adhesive, and you’re ready to whore out again.

Eh, I shouldn’t be too critical. I can appreciate that this could be a lifesaver to someone wearing a formal gown who doesn’t want VPL or to go commando. The website also suggests that their product is perfect for strippers women who love to dance. But what happens when you have to pee? Similar in concept, the ‘C-String‘ looks the same, only it stays in place with the use of wire. Sort of a headband for your crotch. Yeah, these things are actually marketed as ’sexy and elegant’. Christ, what if they fell off whilst wearing a skirt? ‘Scuse me while I pick up my…thingy.

I tried to throw in as many euphemisms for the vagina as I could. Long story short, for 30 bucks a pop, I’ll DIY it with some double-sided tape. Or not.

Hi, my name is Ali and I have a vampire problem.

Now that I got that out of the way, I can nerd out. In a new issue of the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” comic book” series, Buffy sleeps with a fellow slayer. Hot shit. But alas, the hot, ass-kicking blonde is not officially joining the other team. According to Joss Whedon, Buffyverse creator-

“We’re not going to make her gay, nor are we going to take the next 50 issues explaining that she’s not. She’s young and experimenting, and did I mention open-minded?”

Besides, anyone who knows anything about BTVS (cue the chirping crickets), knows that Willow is the token carpet muncher. Can’t wait for some male vamps to gay it up.

Sorry, the only picture I could find of the actual lesbo action was on Perez. But you nerds can buy the comics through Dark Horse, or Amazon, whatev. Or you could just go to Borders and drool over it there. I swear, this shit is like porn for me.